Essay

This essay is taking me so much longer than it should.  It’s not particularly hard, I just can’t quite get my head round it and I’m lacking in motivation, discipline and uninterrupted time to work. I'm just over half way through and it's due in on Thursday.  I really shouldn't leave these things to the last minute.  I should have started this way before I did.  

Also going through a what am I doing, I can’t do this stage.  The thought of placement and 2 more years of modules, essays and placements.  But what options and opportunities have I got if I don’t graduate?  A low paid career in child care or as a teaching assistant (no offence to any friends who do these jobs).  When I qualify at least I have a profession and more of a chance of a graduate job. 

The disagreement I had with a fellow student is playing on my mind.  I was trying to say being realistic isn’t necessarily being oppressive.  She said I’m oppressive and judgemental and can’t go into social work with opinions like that.  Which is of course playing on my mind as you’re not good enough to be a social worker. 

Oh well, back to the essay.  I’m also dreading 3 1/2 days at mother’s house.  Making an effort to be nice to her etc.  Wish I had the guts to say we’re not coming because we don’t want to, but I don’t.  

My bah, humbug post!

I dislike a lot of things about Christmas.  I hate the commercialisation of Christmas.  I dislike trekking to my parents at Christmas.  I don’t mind going to the in-laws though, that involves less stress.  I hate Christmas shopping but don’t begrudge spending money on people, I’d quite happily give all the family cash for Christmas.  As a result of this, most of our Christmas presents have been bought on Amazon. 

However, I love the real Christmas.  I love Christmas in church, love the bits of Christmas that are all about Jesus.  If we must trek around all the family at Christmas I prefer to do this without missing anything at church.  We can’t even do that this year.  We’re going to the panto in York on Friday 21^st.  Then coming home on Christmas Eve.  The problem is the Christmas play at church and the carol service are on the 23^rd.  L We can’t come home on Saturday evening as my older brother isn’t going to my parents until Sunday.  So one of the few things I love about Christmas and I have to miss it.  And the carol service at the church I grew up in, in York is on the 16^th, so I can’t even go to that. 

Can I cope with 3 days in my parents’ house without falling out with my mother, that remains to be seen.  Oh well that’s the end of my Christmas rant.  

Ranting

Yes I’m grumpy, yes I’m annoyed so yes I write a blog post.  Someone really annoyed and upset me at uni today. 

At uni I was talking about a friend who is a single mum, has two children in care, a 6 year old and a 10 day old.  She was abused as a child, had her first child at 14 or 15.  She has lived with her mum who has brought her kids up until they went into care and until 4 or so years ago when she moved out with the now 6 year old.  She was on drugs for a number of years but has now been clean and on methadone for 7 years.  She has a mild learning disability.  The 6 year old has behavioural problems.  The 6 year old is approx. to years behind at school possibly due to neglect, a learning disability and behavioural problems. 

She wanted a baby, so she slept with at least 2 guys (possibly one night stands or possibly very short relationships) to get pregnant.  She chose to bring a child into this world when she knew she would be on her own.  Now she is complaining that she has no help. 

What I was trying to say at uni is that my friend lacks parenting capacity and skills and is unwilling to go anywhere to learn them.  So she is struggling with a 6yr old and a 10 day old. With her background as listed above the life prospects of the youngest two aren’t great.  I have said before she is unlikely to cope. 

But apparently I am being arrogant, judgemental and oppressive.  And how can I think of practicing as a social worker when I live in a middle class bubble and have these attitudes.  She really upset me.  I merely think I was being realistic.  However I don’t / didn’t explain myself very well and I am rubbish at defending myself when put on the spot. 

The uni person said she buried her first child at 14, she is a product of the care system.  She now has a husband and 3 well educated children in good schools and is doing a degree.  She’s in her early 30s I think.  And because she did all these things I am being oppressive towards my friends by saying that she can’t.  I think I am realistic if you look at my friend’s life history and background she has had few opportunities and no education etc.  I don’t think I’m being judgemental. 

This has really upset me and annoyed me hence ranting about it.  

Teenage blog!

So, as a teenager I wrote a diary for 8 years regularly and odd bits thereafter.  From 1996 (age 14) to 2004 (age 22) I’ve thought about writing a book, but wondered if it would be worth reading!  I’ve also been thinking about writing a blog of my teenage years and bits of my diary.  Might get round to starting it this evening, lol.  Only been thinking about it for months / years!!  So here’s the link anyway… 

http://diaryofadisorderedeatingteenager.blogspot.co.uk/

Who's looking after me?

I feel lonely at the moment, which is silly when I have lots of family and friends.  Paul spends too much time on his computer as usual and not enough time with me.  I feel I have been supporting some of my friends a lot lately but feel a bit like, who’s supporting me?! 

At some times in my life I’ve had really close girl friends and loved it.  Sadly one of these lives nearly 200 miles away.  And we don’t talk as much as we should.  Another of these lives just over 100 miles away.  Another of these I fell out with just over 5 years ago, a long story and it was mostly not my fault. 

I’ve have good friends in Derby.  But we have busy lives and don’t spend as much time together as we would like to and also one or two have their own stresses and problems at the moment. 

I’m torn between I’m better and stronger than I think I am (prayed and prophesied over me a few months ago) and I’m ill and more ill than I think I am.  The question is, if I consider myself as “ill” am I going to or am I prepared to do anything about it, and the answer is no.  So I may as well focus on the positives not the negatives. 

There are certain traits of ED behaviours, thoughts and mind sets that I have never been able to get rid of or leave behind.  Since the big argument with Mother, maybe 3 months ago these thoughts have been surfacing again.  However you have to believe me when I say this has nothing to do with working (voluntarily) for Fsd.  My involvement has given me a greater vocabulary to describe the things I do and a greater understanding of why I think certain things but I think it is no way triggering. 

The behaviours and thoughts I never got rid of… Feeling self-conscious, having low-self-esteem (despite outwardly being a confident person).  Feeling like I never fit in, I’m not “cool” enough, I don’t wear the right / fashionable clothes, I’ll never be good enough or fit in with the “in” crowd whatever setting that may be in. 

From being about 19 to 24 or 25 I would say I ate normally and had no issues with food.  When Joel was a few months old I did weight watchers by myself (I bought the books on ebay) and los a stone of the stone and a half I put on while I was pregnant.  After I’d had Esther I’d put a stone on again.  When Esther was about 3 months old to about 15 / 16 months old I had PND.  During which time the thoughts in the above paragraph were strong and looking back I think I over ate / binged / comfort ate. 

When Esther had just turned 2 I finally found some motivation and energy to diet sensibly.  I did Weight Watchers online this time.  I’ve never been to a Weight Watchers meeting and I won’t go.  The whole idea of getting weighed in front of people and going to a meeting to talk about diet and food is just a big NO, I won’t do it!  So over about 6 months I lost just over a stone and went down to about 10st 4lb from about 11st 6lbs.  I did this sensibly through a healthy diet and exercise. 

I was unhappy about the amount of rubbish and food I ate over Christmas but I didn’t have the energy or motivation to do anything about it.  It wasn’t until this big argument with mother that I lost any more weight, that was the beginning of March.  Mum inadvertently brought up the past and lots of thoughts, feeling and situations from when I had an ED.  I was feeling down and lazy.  So accidentally or through laziness did that Kellogg’s diet for a week or so.  That’s where you  have cereal for 2 meals and a normal meal for one meal.  I lost 3lbs in a week just because I was being lazy and eating cereal for 2 meals.  In the last 3 months or so I’ve only lost about 3lbs.  But I’m happily back into a size 12.  I’m being quite lazy with lunch over the last month or two though.  Having low fat / low calorie snacks instead of lunch because I’ve gone off bread and I can’t be bothered to make anything.  I often still tend to go for low fat / low calorie options when buying food.  Apart from nice / naughty foods like cake or ice cream.   Occasionally I will binge on these then feel bad for it and maybe compensate by missing a meal. 

However, this is just me, where I’m at right now.  I eat what I like, when I like.  This is pretty much always 2 meals a day.  My third meal will often be snacks and not really a meal but this is ok.  I don’t consider my eating to be disordered, I think I’m just being lazy about making meals. 

Then I can’t decide if my general lack of enthusiasm for most things is due to lack of sleep or due to perhaps mild lingering / returning depression.  If I do label it that, I think am I going to do anything about it?  No I’m not going to the doctors, I don’t want medication and I might consider counselling, but it would have to be with a Christian counsellor. 

The children have been sleeping badly and rarely sleeping through the night for about / at least 6 months.  I mostly think this is the reason for my general flatness / lack of enthusiasm for things.  Then sometimes I think maybe there’s more to it than that.  But that goes back to going between thinking I’m better and stronger than I think I am and maybe I’m more ill than I think I am. 

I don’t know what I’m saying really, I’m just rambling, writing my thoughts down.  I need to make a conscious effort to pick myself up and take myself out of this rut, but I need some energy and motivation do that, which I currently don’t have.  To pick myself up, I need to do things for me.  Go to bed earlier, wash my hair more often, read more / at least 20 minutes a day.  I need to make more time for me, instead of sitting on the laptop all evening most evenings as it doesn’t require effort and doing things to take care of me do require effort! 

I know all the theory.  Eat 3 (healthy) meals and have more energy etc.  But healthy meals require effort to prepare and cook.  And snacks you can just pick up and eat.  Anyway I should either sort the washing out or go to bed.  So I’ll stop posting my random writings. 

Do leave a comment or a hello or send me a facebook message if you read this as I do wonder who actually reads this.  Thanks.  

:-(

Just heard that a friend, her daughter and the family are going through a terrible time right now.  I can't explain.  But anyone who reads this pleas pray for my friend and her daughter, her husband and son too.  Please pray for peace and healing.  God knows the rest.  Thanks.

Fact and Feeling.

Mum and Dad came yesterday.  It was better than I thought it would be.  We went to Attenborough Nature Reserve and did the shorter of the two walks.  The children got bored of walking but liked looking at the boats and feeding the ducks.  The downside of this nature reserve is that it has no play area or playground.  Mum was same old same old.  Doesn’t ask so how are you or so what have you been doing?  She comes across as uninterested in these things.  She was asking me about uni. 

I spent most of Friday cleaning the house.  I did the front room, bathroom and kitchen and got Paul to hoover upstairs.  Mother made no comment on the house and didn’t decide to clean anything so it must have been up to her standards!  When I was cleaning on Friday I was resentful that I had to clean extra thoroughly because they were coming.  Mum will come round and start cleaning things, even if I cleaned them the day before.  She didn’t do that today.  J

I was trying to work out on Friday with everything with my mum, what is actually true, what is what I think and feel and what is somewhere in between?! 

Fact

I didn’t do well enough in school for her liking

She thinks Paul should get a better education

She thinks I should have got a better / graduate job after uni

She is oblivious to how she treats and has treated me and my brothers differently and would / will be mortified when someone tells her

My thoughts an feelings

I should have tried harder in school, but was not interested in academics really.  I’m happy with Paul, yes his job won’t last forever but God has a plan and that’s ok.  I decided to put having a family before having a career and mother things I should have done it the other way round.  I feel like I’m not good enough / a failure because she had a career and a family, I just have a family.  Although I am only 30 this year and she didn’t have my older brother until she was 30. 

As usual I started writing this yesterday and I can’t remember what else I was going to write.  So I’ll post this as it is and edit it if I remember!  

Moaning.

I’m having a moan, sorry. I feel the positive me is fighting the negative me at the moment. I’m hoping I’m not being too specific.  I don’t think I’ve written anything that will offend any of my friends that read this.  I can’t actually remember these day who knows about my blog and who doesn’t.  And of those that know I don’t know if they actually read it.  


The negative me… A church worker is bugging me.  She’ll moan that she did all of Sunday school herself. Yet surely she should delegate and give us parts of the programme and jobs to do, not just do it all herself. Surely we shouldn’t have to ask for parts of the Sunday school programme to do?! And I think I annoyed her last Tuesday, I didn’t mean to. I went to pick Nic up, then she’d forgotten her purse and hadn’t had any breakfast. So I popped back in for my purse and went to buy her a sandwich. She didn’t know where the sandwich shop was so I had to go with her. From her perspective I should have been helping with toddler group, it was busy and I disappeared. From my perspective, I’ve been trying to get Nic to go to Talk it over (Crisis Pregnancy Support) for weeks, so if that meant missing toddler group and buying her a sandwich, that’s fine by me! I didn’t plan it that way, it just kind of happened! 


Then on Tuesday, 2 ladies were talking and I was sat with them. One told the other about a surprise leaving do for someone and invited her. But never said anything to me about being invited, am I not friends with this person too? Then one asked other if she would consider running the parenting course with her at some point next year. Yet again I am not included in this conversation at all or asked if I want to help, or do the course or run crèche again. Sorry, just bugs me. 


Then today at church I had no one to talk to. There were people around but no one I felt I could just go and join in their conversation or sit with them without them looking at me as if to say what do you want etc. I’m not mentioning any names, but the usual people. I hate feeling like this at church. I know it’s partly me being paranoid and over sensitive, but it’s also other people’s attitudes as well. Sorry I know I am stuck record on certain subjects, but I need to vent! 


I’ve been going to First Steps Derbyshire (FSD, eating disorders (ED) charity) for 2 months now. Some things have been a real eye opener. I have a whole new vocabulary with which to talk about eating disorders! I realise that when I was at my most ill with my ED, I wasn’t half as ill as a lot of people who access the support of the charity. Even the thought of being an in-patient on an eating disorders unit in hospital scares me even now! 


Everyone is so lovely, none judgemental and friendly at FSD. I’ve met loads of lovely people, made some friends, heard some amazing stories of recovery and scary stories of people being ill. When I first went people were friendly, I didn’t feel judged on my appearance, and I was welcomed. I can’t help but think and wish that church should be like that. I FEEL judged on my appearance at church but I KNOW this is mostly me being oversensitive and paranoid, but I also know there’s a little bit of truth in it even though I exaggerate things in my head. 


I don’t want to paint church in a negative light, especially to a new friend who thinking of coming to check it out.  There are things I love about church and things that bug me.  The things that bug me are above and the main thing is the general clickiness of the 18 – 30’s.  The things I love about church are meeting with God, the great worship, the band, the pastors, the teaching, the friendship and the support.  


For example I went to one of the smaller churches last month and we were praying at the end.  I was in a group praying with some ladies from my house group and felt really blessed to be friends and have the support of these women of God.  Yet most of these women are old enough to be my mum.  I do kind of wish I had this support and level of friendship from people my own age in church as well.  Well I do but just from a smaller number of closer friends.  My age group in church are generally not so open or approachable.  

FSD

So FSD – Firsts Steps Derbyshire.  I’ve been going for about 2 months now.  Firsts Steps Derbyshire is Derbyshire’s only charity which helps and supports people with eating problems and eating disorders (EDs).  (Don’t worry, I’m ok / doing fine I think!)  I can’t remember if I’ve written about this before or not.  Over Christmas I saw an article in the Derbyshire Evening Telegraph about a lady’s story of having Anorexia, her recovery and now her pregnancy.  The article talked about how FSD has supported her through it all.  

I was looking for things to do during my 6 months off uni.  I’ve started helping out at “The Base” youth club run in Chaddesden by my church.  And I thought volunteering at FSD would be a good, different and interesting thing to do.  They run various things including a monthly coffee morning, and 2 weekly support groups one for 11 - 25’s and one for anyone (sufferers, parents, carers, friends etc).  I went to a coffee morning and met people and said who I was, my experience of having an eating disorder and that I was interested in volunteering.  I’ve been going to the anyone support group for nearly 2 months and I’ve been to 2 coffee mornings.  The staff and volunteers know I’m not a sufferer / service user and that I’m interested in volunteering.  I’ve filled in the volunteer application form and I’m waiting for an interview / chat with the volunteer coordinator.

I’m enjoying supporting this charity and attending the groups and hope to be an official volunteer soon.  It’s a very safe and friendly environment.  It’s so non-judgmental and everyone is made to feel welcome.  I love the secret Facebook group, lol.  People are so supportive of each other on it and people make new friends on the group, then meet in real life!  I’ve done this twice.  One girl I saw on the group then realised she goes to my church.  So I met her at church and we’ve been out for a drink.  And another friend I met on the group, realised she was a Christian from what she was writing, we talked on Facebook a bit then I met her before the support group one evening as she was too nervous to go to the group on her own.  So I met her for a drink then we went to the group together.

However having said all this being around people with EDs it does kind of drag up the past and there’s still part of me thinks they have an ED and they’re doing ok so why can’t I do it.  But a lady at church gave me a word / prophesied over me a couple of months ago that I am stringer than I think I am and God will protect me.  I can’t remember what else or the exact word without going to find my note book. 

And there are names and terms for things that I did and do and didn’t know what they were called.  Things like restricting, triggering, ED behaviours, bingeing, purging etc.  It has also greatly increased my understanding of ED’s and other mental health issues / problems. 

Maybe I should explain.  If you don’t already know I had an eating disorder from being about 14 – 20.  (I’m 30 this year).  I had anorexia / the mentality of a person with anorexia but because I wasn’t dangerously thin / dangerously low weight there was no help or support.  I went to the doctor’s a couple of times and just got brushed off and told to eat more healthily and was given advice on healthy eating.  I went twice to youth counselling / advice typed places.  Once to one in York, I can’t really remember what it was called or what happened, I remember them giving me a book to read but don’t remember anything else.  I remember a friend, a lad from school taking me.  I also went once to a similar place in Derby, and again I can’t actually remember what happened.  But I only went once so they can’t have been that helpful! 

My help and support came from my church friends in York and then Paul once I moved to Derby and we became friends.  My parents either didn’t know about or ignored my eating problems.  Even now I think they’re oblivious to the eating problems I had and how they partly caused them and the effect they had on me.  I’ve been well for pretty much 10 years, which is great.  Again you may know you may not, I had post natal depression after having Esther for about 15 months.  I didn’t want medication or secular counselling so I never went to the doctor’s about it.  But I ate through having PND.  I think if I was going to relapse / return to my ED I think it would have happened when I had PND. 

I also lost my baby weight sensibly and successfully after having both children.  I think I lost a stone after I had Joel and a stone and a half after I had Esther.  I know weight what I did before I was pregnant with Joel so I was happy with that until recently. 

I have written a lot about the big fall out I had with mother over Joel and his speech therapy.  Well when that happened it really dragged up the past for me.  It would have been the beginning of March, I think it coincided with when I started going to FSD.  It was really triggering for me and really tempted me to return to my ED and ED behaviours.  Mother really upset me and for me it dragged up the past of having an ED.  The ED that she totally oblivious or in denial that I ever had. 

She made me feel like crap and really down for about a month.  I was hurt, upset and unhappy.  I couldn’t control the situation, I couldn’t control my mother, so what do I do / think about doing?  Turning to the thing I control, what I eat or don’t eat.  I didn’t eat properly for a few weeks maybe, but I still had 2 meals, just skipped lunch mainly.  But it was a classic return to ED behaviours and being triggered by things, almost a textbook example. 

Anyway I was kind off brought out of that by going on my friend’s church’s youth weekend.  3 big meals prepared for me for 2 ½ days, I had to be fine with that and to set an example for the girls I knew were struggling.  Then I went straight into working at YPlay, a weekend at my parents, work again and Esther’s birthday and a weekend at Paul’s dad’s.  So not eating or skipping meals was just not an option, so I was snapped out of it by necessity.  In the last week I not skipped meals, I’m dieting sensibly trying to cut out the rubbish (cake, crisps, chocolate, sweets, chips, coke, ice cream and lucozade) and eat more fruit and veg etc.  Tried being the operative word, I’ve failed miserably and then feel rubbish ‘cause I think I’ve failed. 

Although I’ve been pretty much free of and ED for 10 years I’ve never quite got over the low self-esteem, low self-worth, lack of self-confidence, feeling not liked and unpopular etc.  I pretty much got over the feeling and thinking I look fat thing, I know I’m not fat and have been pretty good about this.  However I’ve not got over feeling / thinking that I’m ugly, not good enough, don’t wear the right clothes / nice clothes, don’t have the right friends / do not feel in the in crowd. 

My current problem is I’m bored!  I have too much time on my hands and not enough to do.  I have the argument with mother hanging over me and not really resolved.  And Joel’s development, speech therapy and education to do my best to help and support him and get him the best services and most appropriate help and support. 

When this thing with mother blew up I lost about 3 or 4lbs through either eating three healthy meals with no rubbish / junk or from eating 2 meals.  I was pleased with this.  But the last 3 weeks I’ve just eaten too much and too much rubbish / crap.  The problem is I have no will power / self-restraint.  If there’s chocolate / cake / sweets in the house I eat too much of them.  I can’t just have a bit each day.  Unless it’s cake that I’ve made then I will have a piece or two a day.  I hate to call it bingeing but it probably is. 

I have a (very) sweet tooth and crave sugar when I’ve not had much.  On a good day I’ll have coke zero / diet coke instead.  And partly I shop and eat ‘cause I have nothing better to do.  The best option is just not to have sweets / chocolate / cake in the house.  Which some of the time I’m good at, but the last 3 weeks I’ve been bad at!  So I eat too much rubbish, then feel fat and crap.  See I need better things to fill my days with uni / work etc. 

Anyway I started writing this last night and now I can’t remember what else I wanted to write and I need to go and make the children’s packed lunches.  

Essay catch up...

The last 2 weeks (3 weekends) have been a bit mad and busy.  Definitely not sustainable for any length of time! 

Youth weekend was really good.  Made me feel about 10 years younger than I am, lol!  Went climbing and loved it.  Got to the top of the easy wall and half way up the harder one, then gave up due to damage control.  I could have done the high ropes but didn’t again due to damage control.  Climbing didn’t do my trashed knee any good and much as I wanted to do the high ropes I knew it wouldn’t do my knee any good.  The 3 meetings were good.  Phil asked me to pray for girls who responded to the appeal for prayer after one of them, which was scary and totally out of my comfort zone.  3 teenage girls were struggling with eating related issues and just wanted to give them a hug and tell them I know how they’re struggling but recovery is possible.  But it’s not that easy in 2 days!  I chatted to them a bit and hopefully gave them some positive input. 

Work was the same old same old.  It was fine and fun when we were busy but boring when we were not so busy.  Car MOT cost £200 more than planned, so I won’t see any of my pay when I get it.  Holiday club at church was good.  Although it was the usual case of doing half a job at helping and half a job of parenting.  And YPlay came as well, so I was more or less working and not getting paid for it!  I got brownie points for making a tray of tea for the YPlay staff though, lol. 

York was alright.  Mother was a bit off with me not as chatty as normal.  My friend’s wedding was a good day.  Although it was one expensive wedding!  They had the reception at Castle Howard which is like having your wedding reception at Chatsworth! 

Dave and Cat Paul’s (brother and sister in law) came on the bank holiday Monday.  We went to Sawley Marina for lunch.  We ended up at Freddy’s instead of going for a walk though as it was so wet.  And we went to Liz and Baz’s (Our old Pastor’s) for tea, which was good to see them and catch up.  Tuesday was house group at Milly’s and she made curry which is always very nice! 

We ended up going to Thomas Land for Esther’s birthday despite it costing £88 for 4 of us!!  We decided to ask for money from the Uncles (John, Mark and Dave) and some from my parents which covered out trip.  The Uncles never buy sensible presents anyway so we told them what we wanted!  We had a good day though.  Apart from Esther got scared on one ride and refused to go on 2 others after that, woops! 

Bournemouth was alright / good.  Paul’s dad appreciated the effort we’d gone to, to go down. We didn’t do much, hung out with Paul’s Dad, Step Mum, half-brother and two half-sisters.   Paul did a bit of running people around and making himself useful!! He took his sister to a volley ball match, his step granddad home and helped his dad set up for the exhibition.  And also going in errands with his dad just to keep him company.  We saw his Gran, aunt and uncle (who live together).  But we didn’t see the rest of the family.  Paul’s mum had told us not to go to his Nanny and Granddad’s cos his Nanny is ill.  And there’s another Aunty and cousins but we couldn’t get round everyone in 2 ½ days.  We went to the model railway exhibition that his dad was involved in on Saturday afternoon and Sunday morning.  We also looked after Karenza (half-sister, same age as Esther) for most of Sunday.  We had a text from Paul’s dad when we got home saying he really appreciated us making the effort to go down. 

Paul got a ticket for speeding on Sunday morning which really annoyed me.  I’m not annoyed that he got caught, he was speeding he deserved to get caught.  I’m annoyed that he speeds in the first place and doesn’t respect the law and that it’s effectively £200 that we haven’t got down the drain.  It’s 3 points on his licence and a £60 fine or do a £105 speed awareness safety course plus transport ‘cos it’ll be in Dorset. 

Anyway, craziness is over, back to boring normality.  I would prefer a balance of the two as I’ll be bored again soon.  When life is toddler groups, coffee / lunch with friends, washing and cleaning it gets boring very quickly.  I’m not saying my friends are boring.  I appreciate the love support and friendship from my friends, I just like to have something else besides it like work or uni.  

Bored.

Much respect for my friends who are full time stay at home mum's and home educators.  I'm just not cut out for either.

Four weeks after I handed my last essay in and I'm bored.  Well actually I was bored a week or two after.  After the novelty of lots of free time had worn off.  My kitchen and bathroom are super clean.  I even cleaned the inside of the windows (a rare occasion).  This morning I have to wait in for someone to come and fix the boiler, we are missing out church toddler groups.  One of the  few things I have to do in the week that's doesn't involve having coffee or lunch out.  So toddler groups, going out for coffee or lunch and house work, there must be more to life than this!  I need a job to save me from boredom.  not fussed about the money, just something to do and some good work experience.

Mother's not phoned in the last week.  Not sure what to do on that front.  I guess see how Joel's four sessions go with the speech therapist.  Two before the holidays and two after.  I'm contemplating going to the GP and saying Joel's had grommets and his hearing is now normal.  He's had his tongue cut as he had tongue tie.  His speech is still not developing as we would like and speech therapy work with him is very slow progress.  Can they suggest anything else / refer us to a paediatrician  or doctor who assess special needs generally.  Or see if the GP just says it's education / school's responsibility.

Right, I guess I'll go and find something to do.

Storm over.

Well the storm seems to have finally blown over.  Mother just phoned being all normal, although not quite as chatty as usual.  She thanked me for my Mother's day card then my dad moaned at me for not phoning her yesterday.  They were asking about uni and what we did yesterday and that was about it.  Mother said hello to the children.  Not as chatty as usual as she didn't ask what I'd been up to, how the children are or how Paul is.  Not that our conversations are predictable or anything.  What annoys me is in asking about uni I told them yet again that I've finished until September cos they second half of first year is placement and I'm doing mt placement next year.  I've told them this several times, they don't remember things I tell them and they never actually seem interested.  I told them I passed everything but they didn't ask about my grades.

So, my grades:

Attitudes and Values Group Presentation - A

Attitudes and Values Essay - B-

Human Growth and Development Group Presentation - B

Social Policy Essay - B-

Inter-professional Practice Essay - C+

I'm chuffed 'cos I thought I'd got like a D- in the Attitudes and Values essay and I got a B-.  

I've not written about church yesterday yet, but I will at some point.  I need to put the children to bed now.  

3 Days

So I've not been up to much, I've been bored and lazy.  If I stopped being lazy then I might not be so bored, but hey ho!  Thursday, I had coffee with one of the mum's from school.  Then didn't do a lot after that.  Messed around on Facebook mainly.  Friday, Esther was at her childminder's.  A uni friend popped round for a bit then I finished a job application and took it back to the school.  I also cleaned the inside of most of the window's which is a rare occasion!!  Friday early evening is a youth club outreach.  It was good, although I always feel I'm not good enough at talking to the young people and am not friendly enough.  I'd rather hide in the kitchen and run the tuck shop!  This morning I wasted watching rubbish on iplayer, still it was entertaining rubbish!  Met a student from church for coffee this afternoon which was good.  I won't go into details, I don't think she'd want me to.

But on the whole I've been messing around on facebook or watching iplayer when I should be doing house jobs.  Just makes me feel useless and lazy.  But they're boring and I have no motivation to do them.  That's normal and life though I guess.

I feel like this whole thing with mother is hanging over me all the time though.  Makes me feel rubbish.  Mum emailed me on Monday, I replied on Wednesday and I've not heard from her since.  I just hate the way she makes out that I've hurt and upset her when all I've done is stand up for myself and stand up for Joel.  I refuse to apologise when I've not done anything wrong.  Anyway I'll stop.  I'm sure I'm starting to sound like a stuck record.  Can you tell it's really bugging me!

Reassessment.

So Joel has his speech therapy assessment this morning.  The therapist said Joel's not made the progress she would like in the last year but he has made progress.  They're taking a slightly different tact, changing the scheme of work slightly and adding some new games.  The speech therapist is coming in herself and doing four sessions with Joel.  The teaching assistant said this is almost unheard of, and she can't remember the last time the speech therapist did this.  The teaching assistant will continue to do short 10 minute daily speech therapy sessions with him.  There's no point paying for private speech therapy when it won't be any more beneficial or any different.

As I said in my reply to mother.  His teacher and teaching assistant are happy with his progress.  He has made progress in his toileting (which is now sorted and normal), his reading, writing and word learning.

I think my current goal and aim is just to hope they're talking to me.  And to get through the Easter weekend staying there but avoiding conflict.  We're going to a wedding on Easter Saturday and mum and Dad are supposed to be looking after the children.  We'll go Friday sometime and leave Sunday sometime.  Might try and make it a short weekend.

Right, it's lunch time and I have jobs to do.  I had better get off here.

My reply

My reply to Mother's email on Monday.  

Hi Mum.  I had no intentions of hurting or upsetting you.  My emails were merely an honest, blunt reply to your queries.  You periodically ask the same questions and make the same suggestions and you receive the same answers.  You wrote me a letter saying the same things you said to me on the phone on Christmas day and you received the same answers I have given you in the past.  You just don’t seem to take on board or remember this information. 

Joel had his speech therapy assessment today.  The speech therapist says he has not made the progress she would have liked.  But he has made progress and this is positive.  The speech therapist is planning on doing 4 sessions with Joel over the next month or two.  I can’t remember without looking when they are scheduled for.  Joel’s teaching assistant will continue with the daily speech therapy with a new scheme of work and some different games to play. 

You have to also look at other areas of his development though.  He has mastered toileting.  His reading, word recognition and writing are the lower end of average for his class but he is not really behind, just a little.  He’s by no means bottom of the class.  This has been said by his teacher and teaching assistant on several occasions.

There is no benefit at the minute of additional private speech therapy.  They would only do the same things that happen in school all ready.  Joel is too young and doesn’t have the concentration for hour long sessions. 

Take care.  

So, I'm ok.  Yesterday I went to the park with a friend, 4 children, 2 bikes and a double pushchair.  The children had fun, so did us mums, hard work though.  Didn't do a lot yesterday afternoon which was nice.  Lost Esther to her God parent's for a couple of hours.  Tuesday is church day.  Toddler group from 10 - 12 and I'm helping run a creche for the parenting course we're running from 1 - 2.30.  So I take Joel to school, go to church and pick Joel up from school.  This evening was house group.  I was asked to lead it at the last minute yesterday evening so I hadn't had much time to prepare, I think it was ok though.

However, this whole thing with mother is hanging over me, I'm dwelling on it, thinking about it too much.  I'm ok / fine but a bit down at the same time if that makes sense.  Mother just makes me feel rubbish and I don't know what to do about it.  It's just the fact that she's so oblivious to everything.  And she makes it out to be all my fault.  When it's so not.  I don't know how to respond to her email.  Because I'm not in the wrong, she is.  Arrrrgh don't know what to do and to keep thinking about it makes me feel rubbish.

Bubble and B*****ks

Bip,

I am saddened by your assertive and critical response to my query.  I thought I sent a loving, caring letter to you.

I do forget things and that will get worse with age, as will fussing.

We all have our faults.  Paul’s Epistles tell us ‘none of us is perfect, no, not one’. 

But is there a place for unfriendly comments in a loving family? 

John and Mark are never anything but loving and caring to me and would never be rude or hurtful.  This may be a mother-daughter thing, but is it helpful?

But you will decide how you want to be.

Love mum

A lovely email I had from Mother first thing this morning.  She is totally oblivious to hurting and upsetting me.  Happy in her middle class wealthy bubble of her successful business and her perfect boys.  How dare the Sunday Christian go all high and mighty and biblical on me.  Her letter was not unfriendly then?  This email also reads John and Mark are perfect loving boys.  Why are you mean and nasty to me.  It's all your fault why have you been mean to me.  Grrrrr oblivious to reality.

Now to a nice calm coffee before the school run.

I'm not sure I would seriously go down the returning to ED route.  It's a tempting thought.  I think if it was going to happen I'd have done  it when I had PND.

This may sound blunt but unless you're seriously ill with an ED, or you want medication or counselling for depression there is no help.  Thankfully I have friends around me and yes I'm talking to them or they read this!

Today is a better day.  Today is a mother will be mother and I can't change her sort of day.  She as no idea how much she upsets and hurts me.  When she does these things.  Maybe I should tell her.

Ultimately I know my worth is found in God.  My freedom is found in Christ.  And I should spend time around people that build me up not put me down.  I just wish things were different but I don't have the guts or the confidence to change things.  But it's not always so easy to remember and hang on to these things.  When I've had a down couple of days it's easy to let these things go.

Also I don't have the will power to just not eat any more.  I need to find some motivation and will power to eat more healthily and  properly and sensibly and cut out the comfort and junk food.  I say as I'm eating the sweets and cake from Joel's party bag, well he won't eat them!   Yesterday I was upset.  Everything I wrote was true.  But today is a better more positive day.  So things don't bug me as much.

The result.

Mother phoned me last Friday (a week ago) saying what do I think I'm doing sending her two nasty emails.  I've really hurt her and upset her and she's only ever tried to be a good parent.  If I won't talk to her how are we supposed to move this relationship forward.

She doesn't give a thought to the point that she might have upset and hurt me.  You will gather from the emails that I sent her that I have explained and explained what is happening with Joel and why it's happening but it's not good enough for her.  And she's horrified that I dare be so blunt and abrupt with er.  But I've tried explaining it nicely and politely many times and she's not listened or remembered.

Yes Joel has a speech disorder / a speech delay.  He gets 10 mins one to one a day with the teaching assistant doing speech therapy games / exercises set by the speech therapist.  This is age appropriate for Joel, he's only 5!  When they're doing work at their tables in the classroom either the teacher or the teaching assistant always sits on Joel's table.  He is happy, he has friends, he likes school, he's making progress.  I don't know what more my parents want.  They think they will get a better service by paying for it.  They think they'll get some flick of a switch miracle cure and Joel will be able to talk properly if they pay for it.

Mother doesn't understand why I get upset and cross with her when she's apparently just being a concerned grandparent and wants the best for Joel.  Yes she might, but she goes the wrong way about it.  I told her that it was her problem if the help Joel gets at school isn't good enough for her.  And there was always something that wasn't good enough for her.  But she wanted examples.  The examples that are in this post http://survivorandstillhere.blogspot.com/2012/03/stuff.html and that I was not prepared to give on the phone last week as she is totally oblivious to all of it as she lives in her middle class bubble.  If I explain she'll say why didn't I say something at the time (which is a fair point) but we've never been close friends and she's never really been approachable.  She'll twist things so that I've hurt and upset her and she's only ever tried to be a good parent.  She won't be able to accept that she's done things wrong, that she's treated me and my brother's differently.  She'll be horrified and mortified that these things happened and she wasn't aware of it.  Although I've been wanting to ask her for years if she knew that this, this and this happened and if she did why the heck didn't she do anything about it.

I've been ranting, raving, moaning and repeating myself  for far too long.  But you get the point.  I'm hurt, upset and annoyed and have been for maybe 2 weeks.  It's not good!  I don't know what to do now though.  Two close / good friends both suggested that I A) Accept that things aren't great, that me and mum are not likely to be friends or see eye to eye but let the current storm blow over and continue as we have been doing for years which is seeing them periodically and letting the children have an unbiased and happy relationship with their grandparents. While me and Paul aren't close to them and aren't particularly friends with them but we spend time with them anyway 'cos they're my parents and we ought to make and effort.  Or B) talk to mother explain all of the last 16 years, let her have her hissy fit at me and be hurt and upset 'cos I've hurt her and it's all my fault.  Then see what happens after that, face the unknown reaction after the initial storm and hope that baring all will produce and begin a friendship with mother.

Option A is the way it's been for years, it's not ideal but it works and we lie with it.  Option B is currently too hard and too unknown.  I'm not prepared to put myself in the position and to make myself vulnerable.  At the moment she's not talking to me and she's upset 'cos how could I be like this to her.  At the minute I don't know what to do and can't see the way forward.  But need to get out of the upset miserable place I've been in for the last week.  It doesn't help that the children aren't sleeping well at the moment so I've been really tired for the last couple of weeks.  And I'm bored.  It'll be two weeks on Monday since I handed my last essay in. I'll miss uni the time I'm off.  Still thinking about getting a job.  Although I need to find one that's financially viable!  Right I'm going to bed.  Night to anyone who actually reads this.

My second reply.

So maybe I should have a bit more diplomatic in my last email. But in essence I still would have said the same thing. Thank you for all the concern, but we've got an appointment coming up soon. We'll be making a decision about further intervention after meeting with the professional involved and after Joel has been reassessed. 

We have been waiting for an appointment for reassessment for about a month. I have told you at least once, that we were waiting for this and that it is in hand, you have not remembered this and beg me to have him reassessed. 

There's no point getting a random speech therapist off the internet or from the yellow pages. When we see the professional involved I will ask if they are bound by budgets and if we would get a "better" or more frequent service by paying for it. And IF this is the case could they recommend someone. 

The help, support and speech therapy Joel gets in school IS good enough and is age appropriate. You are fussing and you are being over the top. Writing me an emotional over the top letter is not going to help anyone and that makes me feel like we are not doing enough to help Joel when we are e. We are supported by our friends, Joel's teacher and teaching assistant in what we think and what I have written here. I've not spoken to Joel's Head Teacher since the beginning of January but in essence I know she will support us as well. And Joel's school just got a very good Ofsted report. 

My first reply

Mother, what’s the point in explaining things to you if you don’t listen to me?  What did you think you were going to achieve by handwriting a letter instead of emailing me or having a go at me on the phone?  What difference does it make?  You just repeat yourself then don’t listen or take any notice of my responses. 

Joel is a happy, healthy, popular boy with friends.  He likes school and is enjoying, achieving and making progress.  You beg me to ask for Joel to be reassessed when this is already in the process of happening.  I told you he was waiting for an appointment for reassessment early in the New Year so you have not listened to or remembered this.  Joel has been waiting about a month for an appointment for reassessment with the speech therapy department.  This appointment came through today. 

There will be no quick fix or rapid cure for Joel’s speech.  You seem to expect this or thing you can achieve this by paying for a “better” service, this is not going to happen immediately, although we may not rule this out in the future. 

By hassling me and periodically having a go at me you merely succeed in upsetting and annoying me.  I have told you time and again what is happening and how things are progressing.  Part of the reason you don’t understand Joel’s speech is because you don’t see a lot of him.  Friends who see him more regularly say what progress he is making and how he’s improved.  There will be no immediate flick of a switch and Joel will be able to speak normally and clearly.  You seem to be expecting this.  

The letter from Mother.

You will guess why I am writing.  About Joel's talking, again.  He is 5 and we can't understand what he's saying.  Any improvement is very slow.  We can't bare the thought of him being unhappy, frustrated, teased or even bullied as he grows up.

Your council is offering what help they can afford to give but, don't you agree he needs more?  I have been investigating a little and even children who have grommets are expected to clarify their speech within a few month s of their operation.

I can't bare the though of him being handicapped during his childhood.  please. please, please ask for him to be reassessed by the speech therapist or take up our offer of a private therapist.

Dad and I agree, I am not fussing, this is serious and has to be addressed seriously to give our Joel the best possible chance to catch up to where he needs to be.

This is not a criticism of your parenting (yet it so obviously is) you and Paul are lovely parents.  But you trusted my advice on his glaucoma as a baby, please trust us now.  Don't be cross.  Joel and Esther are the apples of our eye, you know that.  Lots of love Mum and Dad.

Stuff!!

So my mum has a go at me on the phone on Christmas Day.  She then writes me a letter about 2 weeks ago.  I send her two emails in return.  she phones last Friday (a week ago) and how dare I send her nasty emails (they weren't nasty) and my brothers would never do that.  And they're just concerned grandparents and she's only ever tried to be a good parents.  So it's obviously my fault and I'm obviously not good enough.  The letters and the emails will follow when I get round to it.  So all will make sense.

But the result is I've had a crappy week worrying and thinking about what to do about Mother.  I refuse to apologise when I'm not sorry and I've done nothing wrong.  I was also not willing to explain all on the phone last week as she appears to be totally oblivious to the last 16 years.  I hinted at things not being good enough for her and she wanted examples.  The examples I was not prepared to give as she is oblivious to them and will be horrified and mortified.  Then she'll twist things so it's all my fault and I've hurt and upset her.

So the past has been dragged up (well in my head anyway) and in conversation with friends.  As mother seems to be so oblivious I'm doubting that things happened, I'm wondering if I misinterpreted / misread things she said.  I wondering if I was bad as I though I was.  According to friends that new me at the time it did happen, I didn't misinterpret things and I was worse than I remember myself to be.  So trying to hang on to that.

Ok so I'm rambling and not making sense.  The current argument is the latest in a long line of things that isn't good enough for my mother.  I didn't to well enough in school for her liking, I wanted to go to the local tech college and do nursery nursing not a levels, but I wasn't allowed 'cos that wasn't the done thing.  I did A levels, failed miserably (well I got a C and 2 Es, hated it and felt under pressure to do well.  I thought I was fat (I wasn't).  I had an eating disorder from being 14 - 19 (this is what she's totally oblivious to).

I didn't get into a good enough uni, In a Pride and Prejudice, Jane Austen kind of a way I married beneath me, she thinks Paul's not good enough for me, he doesn't have a good enough education, job or career.  They didn't want me to get married until the end of uni, I got married at the end of my first year.  Being more or less a full time mum currently not having a career isn't good enough for her.  I should be a working career mum.

Yet if I told her all this she would deny the whole lot.  She would say she was just trying to be a good parent and do what's best for me.  Little does she know what is actually best for me isn't what she thinks is best for me.  I would have been better doing nursery nursing than a levels.  I still could have got into uni with the nursery nursing qualification.  Getting married at the end of my first year was right for us.  It did not effect my studying.  I just decided I would rather live with Paul than live with girl friends and have him coming round all the time.

My mother will totally deny having a treating me and my brothers differently although she has.  I'm the girl and the Christian so she has a totally different set of standards for me as for the boys.  Yet my mother would say she has three Christian children when she so doesn't.

So I've had a crappy week thinking about all this.  I've eaten far too much cake, chocolate and sweets this week (comfort food) and feel more fat and crappy about myself. So it actually has comfort food has a more negative than positive effect.    The eating disorder (ED) and the ED tendencies I recovered from and gave up on 10 years ago are so tempting right now.  Yet last year I lost a stone and a half (my baby weight) by sensibly dieting and exercising.  I've put 4lb of that back on since Christmas and feel crappy and fat for it.  I know by eating, dieting and exercising sensibly I could lose this in a couple of weeks.  But the ED way seems so much more appealing right now.  Grrrr on the one hand I think I'm fine and I'm making a fuss about nothing.  On the other hand I've had a feeling down and fat week and think maybe I'm struggling.

Also found a job to keep me occupied while I'm off uni.  But after tax, childcare and losing my child tax credit I'll be worse off than I am now on child benefit and child tax credit.  So what's the point?! The system doesn't encourage people to work.  It's nearly 2 weeks since I finished uni for 6 months and I'm bored already.  And having a crappy week doesn't help.

OK. ranting moan over.

If anyone actually reads this.  I know some friends know about this but don't know if anyone actually looks.

I really should write more.  So much going on in my head at the moment.  Writing would help.

Uni is finished til September.  The second half of first year is placement.  I'm doing my placement next year.  I've got good grades though.  A, B, B-, C+ and one essay I'm waiting to get back.

My mother's not talking to me 'cos I've apparently hurt her and upset her and sent her nasty emails.  Not that having a got at me on the phone on Christmas Day is nasty or sending me a letter saying the same things is nasty. (To be explained at a later date.  

As usual I'm going to bed.  Really need to make more time for writing.