:-(

Just heard that a friend, her daughter and the family are going through a terrible time right now.  I can't explain.  But anyone who reads this pleas pray for my friend and her daughter, her husband and son too.  Please pray for peace and healing.  God knows the rest.  Thanks.

Fact and Feeling.

Mum and Dad came yesterday.  It was better than I thought it would be.  We went to Attenborough Nature Reserve and did the shorter of the two walks.  The children got bored of walking but liked looking at the boats and feeding the ducks.  The downside of this nature reserve is that it has no play area or playground.  Mum was same old same old.  Doesn’t ask so how are you or so what have you been doing?  She comes across as uninterested in these things.  She was asking me about uni. 

I spent most of Friday cleaning the house.  I did the front room, bathroom and kitchen and got Paul to hoover upstairs.  Mother made no comment on the house and didn’t decide to clean anything so it must have been up to her standards!  When I was cleaning on Friday I was resentful that I had to clean extra thoroughly because they were coming.  Mum will come round and start cleaning things, even if I cleaned them the day before.  She didn’t do that today.  J

I was trying to work out on Friday with everything with my mum, what is actually true, what is what I think and feel and what is somewhere in between?! 

Fact

I didn’t do well enough in school for her liking

She thinks Paul should get a better education

She thinks I should have got a better / graduate job after uni

She is oblivious to how she treats and has treated me and my brothers differently and would / will be mortified when someone tells her

My thoughts an feelings

I should have tried harder in school, but was not interested in academics really.  I’m happy with Paul, yes his job won’t last forever but God has a plan and that’s ok.  I decided to put having a family before having a career and mother things I should have done it the other way round.  I feel like I’m not good enough / a failure because she had a career and a family, I just have a family.  Although I am only 30 this year and she didn’t have my older brother until she was 30. 

As usual I started writing this yesterday and I can’t remember what else I was going to write.  So I’ll post this as it is and edit it if I remember!  

Moaning.

I’m having a moan, sorry. I feel the positive me is fighting the negative me at the moment. I’m hoping I’m not being too specific.  I don’t think I’ve written anything that will offend any of my friends that read this.  I can’t actually remember these day who knows about my blog and who doesn’t.  And of those that know I don’t know if they actually read it.  


The negative me… A church worker is bugging me.  She’ll moan that she did all of Sunday school herself. Yet surely she should delegate and give us parts of the programme and jobs to do, not just do it all herself. Surely we shouldn’t have to ask for parts of the Sunday school programme to do?! And I think I annoyed her last Tuesday, I didn’t mean to. I went to pick Nic up, then she’d forgotten her purse and hadn’t had any breakfast. So I popped back in for my purse and went to buy her a sandwich. She didn’t know where the sandwich shop was so I had to go with her. From her perspective I should have been helping with toddler group, it was busy and I disappeared. From my perspective, I’ve been trying to get Nic to go to Talk it over (Crisis Pregnancy Support) for weeks, so if that meant missing toddler group and buying her a sandwich, that’s fine by me! I didn’t plan it that way, it just kind of happened! 


Then on Tuesday, 2 ladies were talking and I was sat with them. One told the other about a surprise leaving do for someone and invited her. But never said anything to me about being invited, am I not friends with this person too? Then one asked other if she would consider running the parenting course with her at some point next year. Yet again I am not included in this conversation at all or asked if I want to help, or do the course or run crèche again. Sorry, just bugs me. 


Then today at church I had no one to talk to. There were people around but no one I felt I could just go and join in their conversation or sit with them without them looking at me as if to say what do you want etc. I’m not mentioning any names, but the usual people. I hate feeling like this at church. I know it’s partly me being paranoid and over sensitive, but it’s also other people’s attitudes as well. Sorry I know I am stuck record on certain subjects, but I need to vent! 


I’ve been going to First Steps Derbyshire (FSD, eating disorders (ED) charity) for 2 months now. Some things have been a real eye opener. I have a whole new vocabulary with which to talk about eating disorders! I realise that when I was at my most ill with my ED, I wasn’t half as ill as a lot of people who access the support of the charity. Even the thought of being an in-patient on an eating disorders unit in hospital scares me even now! 


Everyone is so lovely, none judgemental and friendly at FSD. I’ve met loads of lovely people, made some friends, heard some amazing stories of recovery and scary stories of people being ill. When I first went people were friendly, I didn’t feel judged on my appearance, and I was welcomed. I can’t help but think and wish that church should be like that. I FEEL judged on my appearance at church but I KNOW this is mostly me being oversensitive and paranoid, but I also know there’s a little bit of truth in it even though I exaggerate things in my head. 


I don’t want to paint church in a negative light, especially to a new friend who thinking of coming to check it out.  There are things I love about church and things that bug me.  The things that bug me are above and the main thing is the general clickiness of the 18 – 30’s.  The things I love about church are meeting with God, the great worship, the band, the pastors, the teaching, the friendship and the support.  


For example I went to one of the smaller churches last month and we were praying at the end.  I was in a group praying with some ladies from my house group and felt really blessed to be friends and have the support of these women of God.  Yet most of these women are old enough to be my mum.  I do kind of wish I had this support and level of friendship from people my own age in church as well.  Well I do but just from a smaller number of closer friends.  My age group in church are generally not so open or approachable.