Who's looking after me?

I feel lonely at the moment, which is silly when I have lots of family and friends.  Paul spends too much time on his computer as usual and not enough time with me.  I feel I have been supporting some of my friends a lot lately but feel a bit like, who’s supporting me?! 

At some times in my life I’ve had really close girl friends and loved it.  Sadly one of these lives nearly 200 miles away.  And we don’t talk as much as we should.  Another of these lives just over 100 miles away.  Another of these I fell out with just over 5 years ago, a long story and it was mostly not my fault. 

I’ve have good friends in Derby.  But we have busy lives and don’t spend as much time together as we would like to and also one or two have their own stresses and problems at the moment. 

I’m torn between I’m better and stronger than I think I am (prayed and prophesied over me a few months ago) and I’m ill and more ill than I think I am.  The question is, if I consider myself as “ill” am I going to or am I prepared to do anything about it, and the answer is no.  So I may as well focus on the positives not the negatives. 

There are certain traits of ED behaviours, thoughts and mind sets that I have never been able to get rid of or leave behind.  Since the big argument with Mother, maybe 3 months ago these thoughts have been surfacing again.  However you have to believe me when I say this has nothing to do with working (voluntarily) for Fsd.  My involvement has given me a greater vocabulary to describe the things I do and a greater understanding of why I think certain things but I think it is no way triggering. 

The behaviours and thoughts I never got rid of… Feeling self-conscious, having low-self-esteem (despite outwardly being a confident person).  Feeling like I never fit in, I’m not “cool” enough, I don’t wear the right / fashionable clothes, I’ll never be good enough or fit in with the “in” crowd whatever setting that may be in. 

From being about 19 to 24 or 25 I would say I ate normally and had no issues with food.  When Joel was a few months old I did weight watchers by myself (I bought the books on ebay) and los a stone of the stone and a half I put on while I was pregnant.  After I’d had Esther I’d put a stone on again.  When Esther was about 3 months old to about 15 / 16 months old I had PND.  During which time the thoughts in the above paragraph were strong and looking back I think I over ate / binged / comfort ate. 

When Esther had just turned 2 I finally found some motivation and energy to diet sensibly.  I did Weight Watchers online this time.  I’ve never been to a Weight Watchers meeting and I won’t go.  The whole idea of getting weighed in front of people and going to a meeting to talk about diet and food is just a big NO, I won’t do it!  So over about 6 months I lost just over a stone and went down to about 10st 4lb from about 11st 6lbs.  I did this sensibly through a healthy diet and exercise. 

I was unhappy about the amount of rubbish and food I ate over Christmas but I didn’t have the energy or motivation to do anything about it.  It wasn’t until this big argument with mother that I lost any more weight, that was the beginning of March.  Mum inadvertently brought up the past and lots of thoughts, feeling and situations from when I had an ED.  I was feeling down and lazy.  So accidentally or through laziness did that Kellogg’s diet for a week or so.  That’s where you  have cereal for 2 meals and a normal meal for one meal.  I lost 3lbs in a week just because I was being lazy and eating cereal for 2 meals.  In the last 3 months or so I’ve only lost about 3lbs.  But I’m happily back into a size 12.  I’m being quite lazy with lunch over the last month or two though.  Having low fat / low calorie snacks instead of lunch because I’ve gone off bread and I can’t be bothered to make anything.  I often still tend to go for low fat / low calorie options when buying food.  Apart from nice / naughty foods like cake or ice cream.   Occasionally I will binge on these then feel bad for it and maybe compensate by missing a meal. 

However, this is just me, where I’m at right now.  I eat what I like, when I like.  This is pretty much always 2 meals a day.  My third meal will often be snacks and not really a meal but this is ok.  I don’t consider my eating to be disordered, I think I’m just being lazy about making meals. 

Then I can’t decide if my general lack of enthusiasm for most things is due to lack of sleep or due to perhaps mild lingering / returning depression.  If I do label it that, I think am I going to do anything about it?  No I’m not going to the doctors, I don’t want medication and I might consider counselling, but it would have to be with a Christian counsellor. 

The children have been sleeping badly and rarely sleeping through the night for about / at least 6 months.  I mostly think this is the reason for my general flatness / lack of enthusiasm for things.  Then sometimes I think maybe there’s more to it than that.  But that goes back to going between thinking I’m better and stronger than I think I am and maybe I’m more ill than I think I am. 

I don’t know what I’m saying really, I’m just rambling, writing my thoughts down.  I need to make a conscious effort to pick myself up and take myself out of this rut, but I need some energy and motivation do that, which I currently don’t have.  To pick myself up, I need to do things for me.  Go to bed earlier, wash my hair more often, read more / at least 20 minutes a day.  I need to make more time for me, instead of sitting on the laptop all evening most evenings as it doesn’t require effort and doing things to take care of me do require effort! 

I know all the theory.  Eat 3 (healthy) meals and have more energy etc.  But healthy meals require effort to prepare and cook.  And snacks you can just pick up and eat.  Anyway I should either sort the washing out or go to bed.  So I’ll stop posting my random writings. 

Do leave a comment or a hello or send me a facebook message if you read this as I do wonder who actually reads this.  Thanks.