Writing.

At the moment I have a list of things to write about but haven't really got round to making them any more than a list of titles.  Hopefully I'll expand on them soon.  Right now it's -3 outside and for the 2nd time in 8 days we have no heating or hot water.  And my bed is calling me, I'm tired!!  Night all.  

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My week.

A friend (CF) shared with me a week or two ago that she has a blog.  That she’s made online friends through it and has met them in real life but the only real life friend who knows about it is her boyfriend.  Then she told me, I felt honoured that she’s trusted with it and I’ve spent ages reading it.  One thing she does that I’m going to steal is she calls people by nicknames or initials of nick names, so giving them and identity for the purpose of the blog, but they still remain anonymous at the same time. 

Monday – eye check up for Joel. GPJ’s for lunch, driving lesson, house jobs.  Chilled, played with children and did house stuff etc. 

Tuesday – Church toddlers, DM and her children for tea, MS came round for an hour in the evening. 

Wednesday – Parenting course, GPA had the children, took Esther swimming, sounds like they had a great time.  Chilled, played with children and did house stuff etc. 

Thursday – St. Peter’s church toddlers, chilled, played with children and did house stuff etc. 

Friday - Chilled, played with children and did house stuff etc.  GPA came for tea. 

Tomorrow – Not a lot planned Chilling, playing jobs etc and probably a walk to ASDA.  Fashion show and gift market at CCD. 

Sunday – Church, Paul’s playing and I’m not on Sunday School, Chilling, playing jobs, Paul will go to Kilburn in the evening. 

And such is an average and mundane week, we don’t do a lot or anything exciting.  I suppose logically the night’s Esther has slept through I’ve had more energy and have got more done.  The highlight’s of my week: I predict Saturday evening, then times I’ve spent with friends.  Low points of this week: getting Joel ready for nursery first thing in the morning when Esther’s not slept through and I’m tired and grumpy.  And taking Joel’s eye patches (more on those another time) off because it hurts him.  Things I should have done and haven’t: Cancel my Ofsted registration and childminding insurance and chased up the quote for a new bath room.  So that’s it, nothing new and nothing exciting. 

Things I’ve read this week: CF’s blog.  Matthew 18: 21 – 35 – God says we should forgive not 7 times but 77 times in the same way he has shown us love, mercy, compassion and forgiveness we should show these things to others.  Matthew 5: 1 – 16 – The Beatitudes, blessed are the... for they shall / theirs is... Blessed describes someone whose condition of life is to be envied for its dependence on God.  As Christians we should be a living, breathing love letter from God to our friends and families.  

The Future.

So the other post I’ve been meaning to make for over a week.  The thing I didn’t share from YFriday (31/10/10)... Before I had Joel and when Joel was a baby, I always said that I could have 2 or 3 children, have 10 years off work and still have 20 years for my career.  I thought this was my idea and my time frame.  However I realised / God spoke to me / I really felt that actually this is God’s timing.  I actually think this is why I haven’t got any of the jobs I have applied for.  Why I was unsuccessful for silly reasons that were just nit picking at answers where I could have said a little bit more.  I realised that I had been going my own way and following my own agenda not God’s agenda. 

I know this is taking this verse slightly out of context but it came to mind that evening.  “e all like sheep have gone astray, each of us has turned to his own way, but the Lord has laid on Him the iniquity of us all” Isaiah 53:6. 

So the rough plan is: 2006 – I had Joel, 2009 – I had Esther.  2011 – Joel will go to school.  2012 – Esther will start nursery.  2013 – Esther will start school.  I will go back to uni to do an MA in Social Work in September 2012 / 2013.  I will go back to work in 2014 / 2015?  I don’t know, that’s a possible rough time scale.  It could all change again!!!  But I am no longer job hunting. 

However I am not a long term full time mum, so I said to God if that’s the plan to have 10 years off, what am I going to do, I need things to do other than being mum.  God answered this prayer on Sunday evening. 

In the last month I’ve not had any “low / down” days.  I’ve had a few stressful / annoying early mornings that means from 7.30 – 9.00am.  That is trying not to get annoyed with Joel when he’s being annoying and not getting dressed / eating breakfast when I want him to and needing to be all fed and dressed and out of the door by 8.50am.  Some days he doesn’t want to walk to nursery and I make him so he’s stroppy.  But come 9.00 or 9.10 if we’re really late Joel’s happy and settled in nursery and I am no longer stressed.  Before I would have been down for the rest of the morning at least.  I’m looking forwards to a few mornings coming up when Paul will be around so I can take Joel to school on his bike cos he will be at home to have Esther.  Joel will love that.  :-)

During these odd stressful hours I’ve felt like the devil (or whatever you want to call him) was having a go saying you’re not healed, you’re no better, you’re worthless, you’re no good.  But God counter acted all that on Sunday evening by saying or just me feeling that I AM HEALED, I can get upset and fed up but that’s ok, that’s a normal part of being a parent, I’m HEALED.  So the devil can GET LOST!!  I remember as a teenager a friend saying as part of a prayer in a prayer time “and the devil can just get lost” and I’ve always remembered the phrase, lol.  Sometimes I feel like I’m actually having a conversation with God, make of that what you will. 

Carrying on with Sunday evening, the way I thought was my way is not my way but God’s way.  So I was seeking God for the next step.  I went out for prayer after the preach on Sunday evening (I’ll share what the preach was in another post).  Our pastor prayed for me and the lady who preached prayed for me as well.  She said that God sees my obedience to Him and He sees my heart and knows what I’m passionate for / about.  I felt that God gave me new direction on Sunday and answered my prayers from last Sunday and during the week.  I think the plan is / His plan for me is to get involved with the Hope Centre as much as possible.  As I said above I am no longer job hunting and am looking forwards to the Hope Centre opening. 

As I phrase it I worked church toddles last Tuesday for the first time in a long time and enjoyed it.  It’s good to be doing something useful and that I’m good at not just looking after my children.  One of the Tuesday volunteers has a new job and can’t do toddlers any more so I’m looking at whether I can work it on a permanent basis but there’s a few practicalities to sort out.  I think I’ve mentioned before that I’m doing some Admin for the Pregnancy Crisis Centre that’s being set up at the Hope Centre and there’s other new projects that will start soon so I’m looking forwards to all that and getting stuck in.  There’s a slight issue with child care in that some things at the Hope Centre I’ll want to do without my children, but I have a few friends who are willing to look after the children for me so hopefully one of them will be free at the right time when needed.  But I feel that child care is a minor issue and it’ll be sorted / things will fall in to place at the right time. 

The other thing if I’m no longer job hunting is money.  We can live off what Paul earns, child benefit and child tax credit.  My God shall provide all my needs (Isaiah 58:11) and we never go without for anything.  It’s just extra things / things that we want but not that we need which is where the extra money would make a difference if I had a job and we had extra money coming in.  But it’s by no means essential. 

So bring on the future, bring on the Hope Centre opening and all that God will do.  Be expectant and excited.  :-)

Time!

I really should make more time for writing.  I've got a post that I've been writing for about a week and still haven't got round to finishing.  And it's too late to finish now.  Hopefully tomorrow, but it's on it's way.  

The past - my eating disorder

 Can’t believe it’s taken me a week to get round to writing this.  In sharing this, this is where I hope that my parents and brothers don’t read or find this.  Last Wednesday morning on the parenting course we were talking about child abuse and domestic violence.  It’s always a hard one to cover.  One lady is watching her daughter suffer from domestic violence and her daughter won’t leave and she doesn’t understand why.  Another lady was abused by two different step dad’s, not sure at what age whether a child or a teenager and has 2 of her own children in care. 

I thought about sharing, I would have done but we kept moving on quite quickly and I missed my chance.  Then it comes to thinking about me.  And also to one of the things on my list of things I want to write about.  My eating disorder.  I had an eating disorder from being about 14 – 19.  I had Anorexia, well I had the mentality of a person with anorexia, regularly starved myself and lost a bit of weight but I never lost weight for it to be of medical concern.  There were several underlying causes / reasons behind it. 

I hated school and was made to do A-levels.  I was pressured to achieve at school but I only ever worked to pass I never worked for good grades.  I was bullied at school, initially for being a Christian but then just because I was an easy target and I didn’t fight back / retaliate.  Another reason is I was regularly told by my Mum and once or twice by an aunty / close family friend that I was fat and I was putting weight on.  I took this to heart and with the other contributing factors stopped eating.  I hated myself, hated life apart from God and church and Christian friends.  I had low self worth, low self confidence and low self esteem. 

My parents didn’t know or if they did know they never questioned me about it and never offered me any help of support, never did anything about it.  In recent years, the last 2 or 3 it occurred to me that it could be considered emotional abuse / some sort of neglect.  I know emotional abuse is such a grey hazy area and is hard to define.  I don’t think I can really label what happened as abuse.  But there was certainly some mild neglect and lack of care and concern.  My parents must have had some incline into what was going on. 

In the end it was Paul who was the main factor to be getting better when I was 18.  He made me eat, he loved me, made me feel valued, pretty, wanted, made me feel good about myself.  At some point on my year out I missed a period due to my body taking the first steps to protect itself as it as shutting down.  This was a wake-up call that I needed to do something about my eating disorder. 

I wonder now if it was a minor problem that I now exaggerate.  But on talking to friends who knew me at the time I am led to believe the opposite that it was a bigger issue than I made of it.  This is the very shortened version of the story of my eating disorder.  Maybe I will expand another time. 

10 years on and I’ve been happily married for 8 years.  I eat, physically, emotionally and mentally I am so much better.  However I very rarely enjoy food or want to eat.  I eat because my body needs food and I have to.  I need the energy from food to live / look after the children etc.  My having post natal depression was a 16 month big blip to me being better.  My saving grace through having post natal depression has been that I kept eating and did not give it up, however sorely I was tempted.  I didn’t want to eat.  But common sense said I need food because I needed the energy to function and to look after the children.  I found that breast feeding was a bit help to keep me eating. 

The subject last night at house group was very relevant to this, we were talking about David being on the run from Saul and he decides to settle with the Philistines in Ziklag(1 Samuel 30).  The questions were “How do you understand and make sense of difficult days?  What do you do when they come?”  “Where do you turn when trouble comes?” And “Are there any areas where you are recovering and it involves a fight? How can you help each other?” 

When I had an eating disorder I didn’t make sense of it at the time, I made sense of it years later.  On difficult days I didn’t eat, and hid!  On better days I talked to my church friends.  On he whole I’ve been pretty much recovered for 9 years now which is great.  Just a few traits remain like not enjoying food / eating.  I have been able to help others through talking about my experiences. 

Yeast and dough!

“The Kingdom of God is like yeast...worked all through the dough”.  Matthew 13:33

“Let the Holy Spirit direct your lives”.   Galatians 5:16

Jesus has the ability to transform and the transforming power of His Kingdom needs to permeate our lives like yeast works through dough. 

But we can’t simply know about the Kingdom, and then leave it on a shelf.  Like yeast, it must be introduced to the dough and worked at. 

 God through His Holy Spirit will feed us spiritually.  We need to keep instep with the Holy Spirit and allow him to work in every area of our lives.  So let’s not allow indifference, compromise or discouragement to hamper the Holy Spirit’s outworking.  Rather let’s be open to all that Christ wants to change in us. 

My prayers is that my life will honour God as I seek to keep in step with His ways.  My prayer is that I will be open to the Holy Spirit working in my life. 

I want to share about the parenting course from yesterday morning and a new friend of mine that really needs prayer.  But I really need to do some jobs so it’ll have to wait til later this evening or tomorrow. 

(Notes from Inspiring Women Every Day, Jul/Aug 2010, by Anne Le Tissier)

My 36 hours off. :-)

I caught the train to Newcastle to see little Helen.  She’s younger than me and shorter than me, hence the nick name!!  Her dad cooked us lunch then we went to the hospice / hospital where her mum has been living for the last year.  This was hard as I’ve heard from Helen and her Dad how she is but this is the first time I’ve actually seen her. 

We then went back to Helen’s for a bit to chat then in to town for a drink and cake before the gig.  The final YFriday gig was great.  Really good worship, great how the band honour and give glory to God in all they do.  They thanked their families for all their support as well, which was good. 

Me and Helen were talking not long ago about how God often makes us emotional / makes us cry in worship when we are actually ok to grab our attention.  Well I was expectant, expecting to meet with God that evening through the worship and open to whatever he wanted to do.  However I really wasn’t expecting what happened!!  I don’t think I’m quite up to fully explaining and sharing.  But something I thought was my plan and my idea I realised was actually God’s plan and God’s idea and that I had not been following it.  So lots of tears, sad and happy ones, awesome worship, I really felt I had met with God.  A great night.  I’m still feeling a bit like did that really happen?!?!  Bumped in to a few friends at the gig from various places which was lovely to see them. 

Monday I had breakfast with Helen then got the train to Thirsk to see another Helen.  We had a lovely afternoon catching up.  I then had to change trains in York on the way home and had a pleasant chat to and a drink with mum during my half hour wait.  She didn’t bug me about Joel and we got on without her annoying me too much, lol. 

Can’t remember if I’ve written about this in previous posts.  Me and Mum get on when she’s not annoying me or bugging me but we’ve never been close and I don’t really talk to her about anything in any depth.  I know I need to make more an effort to get on with mum and to share things with her.  I find this really hard though.  It’s 2 steps forwards and 3 steps back.  Something I had got better at but then slipped back into was to call her mum not mother.  I call her mother because she doesn’t like it.  I need to make more of an effort with this again.  I felt God said to me a couple of years ago that I need to discuss certain things with mum.  To say did you know that this, this and this happened.  And for me, if you did know why didn’t you do anything about it and why didn’t you support me?!  I’ve had opportunities to discuss things with her but have chickened out.  As a teenager my support came from my church and other Christian friends, not my parents. 

Then got the train home to my babies.  Esther had a couple of grumpy times because I wasn’t there.  First thing Monday morning and after her sleep on Monday.  But other than that they were fine without me.  

Seeking first God's Kingdom and His Righteousness

I’ve got lots to say, lol and I think I’ll split it into 3 posts.  So Seeking first God's righteousness, I read about this in my Bible notes on Sunday morning on the train.  “But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well” Matthew 6:33.  Seek God’s righteousness – to live in right relationship with God.  It is only as we seek to live in line with God’s ways that His Kingdom rule is established. 

Seeking God’s righteousness by way of seeking to live in right relationship with God will be evidenced in how we relate to others.  We are to actively uphold God’s people, care for the poor and oppressed.  E shall selflessly look out for the interest of others.  We shall submit to our husbands (;-)) and honour our parents (a hard one).  We shall not exasperate our children but encourage them, I am very determined on this one. 

I was challenged to think on does my lifestyle and relationships prove I am seeking first God’s Kingdom?  “For the kingdom of God is not a matter of eating and drinking, but of righteousness, peace and joy in the Holy Spirit” Romans 14:17. 

My prayer is I will seek God’s Kingdom and his righteousness first everyday.  And that God will help me to uphold the oppressed, look out for the interests of others, submit to my husband, honour my parents and encourage my children. 

More to come on my 36 hours off and the awesome evening that was Sunday night.   

(Notes from Inspiring Women Every Day, Jul/Aug 2010, by Anne Le Tissier)