YFriday - Take 1!

Last night was really good.  The Satnav on my phone took us a random way and we ended up going round in a huge circle then going what we thought originally was the right way but the Satnav told us it wasn't.  Then my phone battery died a mile away from the venue, but we made it eventually!  We were aiming to get there part way through the support act.  But we actually got there as YFriday started!!  So we were later than planned.  Joel spent the first couple of songs wanting to be carried or stood on a chair cuddling me.  But then he got into it, and was smiling and clapping.  We sat in the balcony which was better for Joel because it's not quite as noisy and he could see everything, but you miss out on the atmosphere on in the balcony.  Joel enjoyed the first hour we were there, then got ready for bed and watched the rest either in the buggy or being cuddled.  I think he fell asleep in the second to last song.  So he didn't get to meet Gav.  


The gig was great though.  I like how the band are normal people and really put the emphasis on worship and praising God and them as a tool to this.  Love the music and songs but it is overall an evening to worship GOD not the band.  Love how they always keep God first and are humble people in awe of our great and awesome God.  I think Sunday will be better without the responsibility of having Joel with me and also for the band it's home turf.  Said hi and got a hug off Gav (the keyboard player) who I've know for 12 years at a guess.  I'm kind of hoping his mum is there on Sunday as I've not seen her for years and she's lovely.  


So in catch up, Thursday was a chill day.  Did not a lot all day.  I can't get rid of this cold, I've had it for at least 2 weeks.  Friday, a friend from my old church looked after Esther and I took Joel to a football skills thing at one of the children's centres.  It was good, he enjoyed it, I could have taken Esther, but it was nice to have the option not to and do something with just Joel.  Went to pick Esther up and had lunch at that friends house, then home via Asda and just chilled for the rest of the afternoon.  


This morning we are again just chilling after our late night, last night.  I'm taking Esther to a birthday party this afternoon.  Joel's had 3 special treats this week and Esther's only having 1 but she's too young to notice this at the moment.  (* special treat - a trip out with just mummy, i.e. no daddy and no sibling).  


So, roll on tomorrow and my 36 hours of parenting.  The longest I've left Joel before is just over 24 hours.  And the longest I've left Esther before is just over 12 hours.  My only worry is Paul being able to pacify Esther and get her back to sleep if she wakes in the night and realises I'm not there.  I know they'll be fine with Daddy the rest of the time.  

I’ve been trying to write this since Sunday so I’ll make some effort to distinguish between the days. 

Sunday morning was a week off, I wasn’t on Sunday school.  Our Pastor preached on being people of influence.  He preached from 1 Corinthians 9: 24 – 27 and had 3 points.  1) We should be better than average.  We need to compare ourselves to God’s standard not to other people.  2) We need to live for something bigger than ourselves.  We need to live our lives for the Kingdom of God and for what is to come.  This is what should come through when times are tough, when things fall apart.  3) We need to reach for our potential in Christ.  There has to be things we do differently that we live to fulfil God purposes for our lives. 

We can pray about things all the time but sooner or later we have to do something about it.  Ouch!  This hit home for a couple of different reasons.  One of which I’ll share now, the other one I’m not ready / able to talk about yet. 

Our house group leader asked me after the service if I would lead house group on Tuesday evening.  I said yes then came home and read the study and thought ouch, and I thought a certain person has put me up to this (but I was wrong) and suggested to our house group leader that she ask me to lead.  I read the study and thought yes I can lead the study, it doesn’t mean I have to share ;-)  Then went to the Kilburn outreach on Sunday evening as Paul was playing and needed me to do the words.  There was a full band on Sunday evening instead of just one person leading.  Each band member gave their testimony including Paul ;-) then our worship leader preached. 

The retired pastor who runs the Kilburn outreach said to me thanks for sending me your testimony (I emailed it to him), let me know when you’re ready to share it in a service, I thought yeah right!  Then in the service I really felt that God was saying to me that you should share on Tuesday and you can do it!

On Monday I took Joel out and left Esther with Paul.  We went to the Silk Mill to look at trains and planes and then had a picnic in the river gardens.  So that was fun!  In the evening I babysat and my friend left me her laptop and didn’t tell me the password, lol so I couldn’t actually use it.  Then my phone battery died.  So I was internetless and had a good quiet time and started to read a booklet I’ve had for ages.  I also rang Paul for the bible study questions for Tuesday night so I could think about the answers and I wrote my testimony of post natal depression and how I think God has healed me. 

On Tuesday we went to a coffee morning at a friends house which was good.  They children played nicely and let us mums chat, lol.  I found out today that I didn’t get the job, which is annoying.  Apparently I wasn’t empathetic enough in my answers to case study questions about how I would work with families.  This is nit picking and means that they gave the job to someone with more experience, but they don’t actually tell you that. I’m not that bothered.  I have new things to do, parenting course, voluntary admin work, meeting with my mentor sort of person from church, Aqua fit if I make it next week!!  And also looking forwards to the Hope Centre opening in January and getting stuck in and getting involved.  So God has a plan and this job wasn’t it.  That’s fine. 

So house group, I was still undecided as to whether I would share the testimony I had written or whether I would chicken out.  However in the words of my children “I DID IT”!!  I think it helped that there were only 6 people there, the one before there were 12 people there.  The ladies said I’d been brave to share and that sharing could only be a good thing and was a step forward.  I said that I had had post natal depression and not many people knew.  I didn’t dwell on that or really expand on what I felt like when I had it or what it was like to live with it.  I gave the dates I had it then spoke about how God healed me and how I’ve had the best two weeks for months. 

Wednesday, we went to the fun day at church.  I had my friend’s son and my half sister in law to help me.  It was so nice to have my children around but not be totally responsible for them!!  I helped as well, ended up running the bouncy castle, tidying up etc.  This evening I went round to a friend’s house from church who I’ve asked to chat and pray with me, to be a sort of mentor.  We had a really good talk, but hard.  It’s really helps that she’s actually interested, asks questions, listens.  That’s more than my parents, lol. 

There's a post on its way!

There is a post on its way.  I've been writing it since Sunday but have not had chance to finish it.  This is mainly because I've been out the last 4 nights.  It will appear soon!!

Prophecy.

Last night I went my usual girls group (not house group). Girls group is usually about 4 girl friends and we meet once a fortnight (on the opposite weeks to house group which is also fortnightly) and just chat and pray. But this week had a guest speaker (which is a first) and Katja also invited some other friends. 

Kate (who is a friend of 2 friends so I’ve met her once or twice) came to talk about prophecy. We went around the room sharing what we think prophecy is, if anyone has prophesied over us and have we prophesied over other people. 

So I thought Kate was going to say, pair up and ask God for a word for each other or spend a few minutes quiet and ask God for a word for someone in this room. So I prayed, God please speak to me and give me a word for someone here. I sometimes get words for people or more usually God nudges me and says do this for that person e.g. encourage them, cook someone cake or a meal, or buy that person some flowers / chocolate they need encouraging or sent friends encouraging cards with a verse or two in it.

So anyway I hardly ever / very rarely get pictures. But almost as soon as I prayed God gave me a picture of Jo worshipping in church with her hands raised praising God. So we were chatting on Facebook when we got home and I said God wants to say to you don’t be afraid or self conscious. Be free in worship you will be able to do it. Jo said that God had given her the same word that evening as well. It’s really blessed me that Jo said God gave her the same word for herself. 

Also a lady there that I didn’t know mentioned a friends mum who died a few months ago and I was then thinking about them and their recent status updates and God gave me a word for her. With the picture for Jo being right it gave me the confidence to email her with the word. So I emailed her and said that I felt that God gave me a word for her. I think / felt that God said Be encouraged, keep going, God is with you, you will come through. I just wanted to encourage her. 

There were things I could have shared at the group last night that I didn’t get chance to we ran out of time as Katja had to leave for work at 10pm. A couple of people shared experiences of negative / false prophecy and I didn’t get chance to share my experiences of false / negative prophecy. I did share and example of when someone prophesied over me but didn’t get chance to share when I had prophesied / had a word for someone else. 

I had two songs going round in my head last night that are two of my favourites at the moment.  Moving Forward by Israel Houghton http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3TPBrwbRSxc and Hold nothing back by Jesus Culture http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VJsc2louPes. 

So the experience I shared of when someone prophesied over me was from before I knew what prophecy was.  Or I knew people prophesied in the bible but didn’t know God still spoke through prophecy today.  I was somewhere between 11 and 15 and I can’t remember whether this was said to me or my mum.  But my Pastor at the time said that I would grow up to be an effective and powerful woman of God.  This has always stayed with me.  A friend pointed out recently that when I was struggling at school and hated it at the same time I was also spiritually growing into a Godly woman, I would have been about 16 at this point. 

From time to time older friends at church comment how I’m growing in God or how I’ve changed in this way or that and it always takes me back to what my pastor at the time said.  Sadly he died of cancer I think when I was 17, but I still see his wife occasionally.  Who as it happens was with me the first time God spoke to me, the night I should have become a Christian but chickened out.  Then a month or two later when I did make that commitment she was there, although I can’t remember if it was her or another leader that prayed with me but I know she as there. 

So as I wrote on Facebook last night “well that was an interesting evening. It's amazing how God speaks when you take time out to spend it with Him”. 

 

I wrote a list the other day of things I want to share / write about on my blog, which hopefully I’ll get round to starting soon. 

YFriday :-)

7 days to YFriday in Leicester 


9 days to YFriday in Newcastle :-)  


A whole 36 hours off being mummy.  :-) 


Going to the final two gigs of my favourite band.  :-)  


Taking Joel to Leicester.  


Seeing Helen S in Newcastle 


Not that I'm at all excited!!! 


http://www.yfriday.co.uk/

Everyday happenings and some reflections.

A bit of a catch up... On Saturday I was super mum for the day :-).  I made Flapjack, leek and potato soup, mixed pepper risotto and little cakes with Joel (all of which are now gone).  Plus making a dent in the huge mountain of washing and doing the dishwasher a couple of times. 

Sunday was one of those where I went to church but didn’t feel like I’d been to church.  I was late for a Sunday school meeting before the service, then changed a nappy, then by the time we got upstairs we’d missed most of the first song.  Then two songs later I was going down to Sunday School.  I do enjoy doing Sunday school and it’s good to be useful.  But again by the time all the children have been collected, we’ve tidied up, I’ve collected my own children, changed nappies if needed and gone back upstairs most people have gone. So I miss out on chatting to people and leave feeling like I’ve not really been to church. 

I took Joel out on his bike (with stabilisers) and Esther on Joel’s trike on Sunday afternoon.  It’s the first time Esther’s been on Joel’s trike and she was most impressed. 

It occurred to me over the weekend that although Mother said sorry, I don’t mean to hassle you and I should have told her to shut up (again, as if I would have got away with that) she is probably actually upset / annoyed with me and is probably telling my brothers the opposite to what she said to me.  I.e. she said to me sorry for hassling you but she’s saying to my brother’s Helen had a go at me for hassling her / has been rude to me etc.  But hey ho I can’t do anything about that if she is. 

I don’t generally make an effort to talk to my parents, I leave it to Mother to ring me when she wants to.  Maybe I should make an effort to be in touch with them more, it might improve out relationship, but I doubt it.  The thing is though is she rings and asks how we all are, how the children are etc and what we’ve been up to.  But if I actually give her a long answer or say in any detail what we’ve been up to she’s not actually interested so usually, I just don’t bother. 

Monday, my driving lesson was good, my test is now booked for the middle of December.  My instructor asked me how ready I thought I was to take my test and I said I think I’m better than I think I am, lol.  I knew what I meant.  But my instructor agreed with me and said he thinks I’m better than I think I am.  

My interview went well I think.  One of the people they should have interviewed was ill and they have to rearrange that interview so it could be a while before I hear.  On the plus side though there was one job advertised but there’s actually two jobs going. 

Tuesday morning I took Joel to the children’s hospital for a hearing test.  He was very good through it and then we saw the consultant.  He thinks that Joel has glue ear and it can be treated by grommets or hearing aids.  Although hearing aids are less intrusive and don’t require surgery there’s no guarantee Joel will like them or wear them without a fight.  So we decided to go for grommets.  Paul’s request was that they put the grommets in when Joel has his next eye check up which also has to be under general anaesthetic or vice versa so the operation is not an extra trip to hospital / an extra general anaesthetic / an extra ordeal for my boy.  This should happen in December or January. 

I’m a bit annoyed though.  The first time we saw the speech therapist 15 – 18 months ago, she asked if Joel passed his neo natal hearing test, which he did and that was it.  The 3 times we’ve seen speech therapist none have suggested that we get Joel’s hearing tested.  You would have thought this would be routine?  A couple of people had suggested that we get Joel’s hearing tested so we went to the GP and requested it explaining our reasons and he referred us to the children’s hospital. 

This morning was the parenting course I’m doing.  It was good although some bits are boring and other bits I find useful.  One thing we’ve done with Joel is started asking him to hang his own coat up and put his shoes on the stairs when we come in (just getting him to be a bit more independent).  It’s supposed to take 3 weeks on average to change behaviour or for a behaviour to become habit.  But 10 – 12 days on he has done it at least once now without being asked to.  :-)

This afternoon has been productive as well, washing, tidying, hovering etc.  Boring everyday stuff but so nice / good to have the energy and motivation to do it. 

I’m doing well, which is great.  I’m feeling fine, calm, happy, peaceful.  I’ve been ill, I have a cough and a cold and have done since Sunday.  But I’m ok, although I didn’t go to the Aqua Fit I was looking forwards to on Tuesday night as I didn’t want to risk getting any worse. 

So on feeling better my next challenge is to be more organised, to get more done in the day so I don’t need to do jobs in the evening so I can find time for quiet times to spend time with God, find time to write this blog, and do the pregnancy crisis admin.  However the pregnancy crisis admin will be easier to do once I have a set couple of hours a week to do it without children.  This will definitely happen in January, if not before. 

So that’s it I think, I’m sure to have forgotten something I was planning to write, I should keep a note of things I want to write about when I think of them so I don’t forget!  I need to learn how to format this blog better and add photos etc, I need someone to teach me. (Sarah?!)  

Another Interview

So another job interview.  I think the 5^th or 6^th one in 10 months.  Not sure what I feel about this.  Yes I’d love a job, but it has to be the right days and hours, my family will always come first and be more important.  Three days work is the most I’m willing to do and four days at home.  Father God, your will be done.  If the job is right I will get the right days and hours.  If not I won’t get it and that’s fine too. 

Now more about the small changes I’ve made and new things I’m doing to help myself (that I mentioned on Sunday).  I’m doing a parenting course at our local children’s centre as it’s a good way to meet people, it’s something to do and I’m bored and I will learn something through doing it!!  I by no means agree with all the content to the course but there’s some ideas and things in there that I like and am trying.  It’s a morning with adults and without children so is a nice break. 

Also my church (City Church Derby, http://www.derbycitychurch.co.uk/) is setting up the Hope Centre (http://www.derbycitychurch.co.uk/pages/news.php).  This is really exciting and if I haven’t got a job I’m looking forwards to getting stuck in and getting involved.  One of the other new things I am doing is voluntary admin work for the Pregnancy Crisis centre that will be based in the Hope Centre. 

Thirdly, I think I’m going to go to Aqua Fit at Queen Street on a Tuesday evening the weeks that house group isn’t on.  I enjoy Aqua Natal when I was pregnant with Joel, I think this will be more fun than going swimming on my own and again it’s a good way to meet people.  I looked at when the various Aqua Fit classes are and this one fitted in best. 

Fourthly, maybe I should have put this first, writing this blog.  My written diary is not happening and is between me and God.  I figured by typing my diary my closer friends can read it (I’ve only told closer friends that I’ve started it) and it’s between me, God and my friends.  :-)

Just realised something I forgot to write on Tuesday evening.  During the prayer time I could really feel God’s presence and closeness.  And just felt like he gave me a hug and said you’re doing ok!!    

Like Monday, today I’ve been really tired due to Esther sleeping badly.  Went to soft play with Jo, my two and my mindee this morning and haven’t done a lot this afternoon.  Went to bed when my mindee went home.  Not nice that Paul is ill, but good to have him around I got an afternoon nap! 

Now I feel I must at least make an attempt at tackling the washing I’ve been avoiding all day. 

Time to share a song I’ve had in my head all day: :-)

Father God You are my Rock

It’s you I trust

And my heart is longing after you

It’s you I love

I want to know you to be always with you

To be always by your side

And when I and shaken you are my foundation

All my life I’ll testify

Great are you lord exalted on high

Great are you lord exalted and

I will find my shelter in the shadow of your wing

I will find my shelter in Your open arms of love

My Father God

Hassled again!

So, I got an email from my mum this morning, I swore at my phone and that was it!  I did not get upset or annoyed.  That’s progress!!  The email was hassling me about Joel’s speech again and shouldn’t he be seeing a speech therapist.  I sent her a lengthy reply explaining the schools, local authority and NHS Trust’s policy and said we had taken up all the services / support Joel has been offered.  She was saying shouldn’t he be seeing a speech therapist half an hour a week.  He get 10 mins one to one a day with the nursery teaching assistant doing games / exercises to encourage his speech.  I also told her to stop hassling me about it.  She emailed back and said you didn’t need to send me a long reply you could have just told me to shut up.  Like I could have done that, I wouldn’t have got away with that.  Maybe she’ll leave me alone for a bit now. 

Despite that I’ve had a good day though.  Went to a friend’s for tea and cake this morning :-) and have been at home doing the boring house stuff this afternoon.  I really should check out with friends whether they mind being named on my blog instead of saying one friend this and another friend that all the time.    

Friendship

So, yesterday (Tuesday).  Another good day.  A positive meeting with Joel’s teaching assistant, church toddlers, and a lovely afternoon with a friend and her girls.  Then came house group which was good, although hard at the same time.  Felt like I should have shared, but chickened out then got a friendly telling off for not sharing.  It was all or nothing last night and it ended up being nothing.  I’m feeling fine, happy and calm, but wasn’t quite up to sharing all last night. 

We were studying David and Jonathan and talking about friendship.  Some people were saying they have friends but do not have best friends.  I should have joined in the conversation about friends at house group but didn’t.  I need my friends, I have friends and close friends.  My closer friends are my support network partly due to the uselessness of my parents.  Really hoping this is a safe place to slag my parents off as I always want to on Facebook but can’t ‘cos my brothers use it. 

Really thought I was going to get picked on to share last night, just a friendly what do you think about this or what’s your experience of this, was so glad when that didn’t happen!!  It sounds silly but when you’re making friends you don’t want to scare people off by saying what you need from your friends.  And I hope I give to my friends in friendship and support what I take from them. 

The things I wrote on Sunday evening I should probably have shared at house group last night, but I chickened out.  Maybe next time.  A certain friend was singing my praises again last night as well, well I did give her a friendly push in the right direction on Sunday night, lol.  She needed to though was grateful and thankful for my “so are you going up or not? I’ll come with you!”  She said something else about me encouraging her as well, but can’t think what now. 

Something a different friend told me recently has annoyed / upset me partly because it’s a pet hate of mine!!  (I hope it’s ok to share this).  I hate church politics because they shouldn’t happen.  Two friends of mine have been upset / hurt by their vicar / pastor who told them that they shouldn’t wear their babies in (slings in) church because it’s saying this is the right way to parent your children if you do it differently then you’re wrong.  What the vicar said in its self is wrong and so was the way he said it.  The person it was said to has such a different attitude to the comment the vicar made.  I hate church politics and I hate it when people are hurt by church.  My friend’s attitude is very much this is the way I choose to do things but each to their own and how you parent your children is up to you.  Lovely friend please don’t be put off church, I hope you can either sort this out and stay where you are or put it behind you and move on. 

Today as been good too.  I’m doing a parenting course at our local children’s centre as it’s something to do (I’m bored), it’s a good way to meet people and I will learn something!!  This afternoon I gave the kitchen a good clean, then tackled the washing and the dishwasher, so a successful day!! 

I’ll have to leave it there and get to bed.  Night all. 

Tired but calm and happy.

Tired, happy and calm that about sums up my day.  The children slept badly, we were not up and ready in time for nursery and I cancelled my driving lesson.  Had a sofa morning messing around on the internet.  Then a rare occasion, I got all 3 of us to sleep at the same time in the afternoon. 

Then came the things that would normally have stressed me out and annoyed me, but I remained calm and peaceful, thanks God!  A trip to the doctors and ended up coming home via town and getting the children tea in town because it was late.  Really feeling changed and healed today.  We’ll see how tomorrow goes.  I’ve not got much done as usual but feel this is purely down to lack of sleep rather than my usual lack of motivation. 

A song that has been going round in my head the last couple of days:

I have a hope so sure an anchor for my soul

My peace in the worst of times I trust in God alone

Let every voice declare it now

My God reigns, His love will never fail me

My God reigns, He’s ruling over all

In all my life, in every situation I know

     My God is greater, my God is over all

My God is greater, my God is greater

My God is greater, my God is great over all

By faith I have believed and on this truth I stand

No power in life or death can take me from his hand

Above all sickness, above all fear

Above every heartache here

In earth and heav’n, my God reigns.

Above all power, above all thrones

The greatest love I’ve ever known

Today, forever, my God reigns.

A God day!

Well, today has been a very God day!  We have this guest speaker at church called William Lee.  He spoke last night, this morning and this evening.  I was on Sunday school this morning so missed it but was there last night and this evening.  This guy William Lee was a gypsy and an alcoholic.  He got saved and now is a man of God whom God uses powerfully.  He’s very down to earth, very normal very funny, very unassuming.  He says he’s not surprised when God heals people he prays for now he’s surprised when people don’t get healed! 

I’ve not had a great week, I’ve been down, had no energy or motivation, just general depression stuff, nothing in particular that was wrong.  But it’s been 16 months of post natal depression / general depression.  I had a better time in the Spring but then was down again over the summer.  I had just got to a point where something had to change.  I have been trying to make small changes myself things to help, I’m doing a couple of new things and have one or two other new things planned.  I’m giving up work in two weeks.  These things are good but don’t make the depression go away.  Something had to go, something had to change. 

I have been expectant this afternoon.  Looking forwards to this evening, knowing God would move and would do something but not having a clue what.  I love Sunday evening services and miss them now they are monthly not weekly.  There’s something about them, the worship is different the atmosphere is different to mornings, I can’t put my finger on it but I like it.  This evening the worship was great, the preach was good, then comes the ministry time.  I used to be scared of these, But more on that another time. 

The speaker / preacher was praying for new Christians then he said something about not all illness is physical and he wanted to pray for emotional illness this evening for people suffering from anxiety and depression.  That was enough for me.  I went out for prayer.  Our senior pastor came to pray for me and asked me what I wanted prayer for, I said I had post natal depression, but not many people new.  As I was saying the words I couldn’t believe I was admitting this to him.  He prayed for me.  Then the pastor of our church’s outreach service (in Kilburn) came over and said to Paul (who was stood behind me :-) ) Can I pray for your lovely wife ;-) I then said it again and couldn’t believe I was repeating it that I had post natal depression.  He prayed for me. 

I could really feel God’s presence and closeness.  I believe God heals and has healed me.  I said above something had to change, something needed to happen and it did.  We will see in the morning if I feel human and can get up without dragging myself reluctantly out of bed.  But I am expectant and believing that this is the change I as waiting for and God has healed me. 

I believe God does and can heal and he has healed me before.  A few years ago probably 6 or 7 there was a Canadian speaker at church called Marc Dupont.  He also has a healing ministry, God heals people through him praying for people.  I had been having problems with my knee for about 4 or 5 years and had had two lots of physio and was on a waiting list for an operation.  But at one of the Marc Dupont meetings our assistant pastor prayed for me and my knee was healed.  I have had no problems with it since even through two pregnancies when you might expect these things to flare up. 

So my God saves, my God heals, my God is great! 

Writing this will probably become a daily occurrence but I need to go to bed.  So that’s it for today.  

My blog, take 1!

Hello to anyone that actually reads this.  Not sure where to start.  I know I need to talk / write more and be more open and honest with myself and talk more with my friends.  So thought I'd try this bloging thing.

I've been to church this evening and one thing the guest speaker prayed at the end was "I pray against negativity and negative words that have been spoken over you" (I will expand on this at some point).  This is particularly relevant to me and kind of why the title of this is "Survivor and still here", not even sure that makes sense but hey ho.  One thing I know is WITH MY GOD I CAN.

I've had a hard 16 months and I'm hoping things are picking up.  I'm voluntarily giving up work in 2 weeks which FEELS right but logically and financially doesn't make sense.  I don't know.  There's my first wafflings.