My limits.

My limit this week and last week seems to be children in fed and dressed in the right place at the right time with the right stuff.  I haven’t done any washing for a week or so.  I have run out of clothes.  I have a load of washing clean and wet.  Need to dry it tonight.  I may be running out of clean school uniform.  I thought about taking the washing over to Paul’s today to use the tumble dryer but it was just a thought I didn’t actually do it. 

I’ve had enough, nothing is changing, nothing is improving.  I have been off work for 10 months.  Severely lacking in energy and motivation to do anything.  Someone tell me what I am doing wrong.  Someone tell me how to change, how to heal.  Someone tell me to do or try something I haven’t already tried. 

Today

Struggling to put my thoughts and feelings into coherent words and sentences. Very tired, low and emotuonal. A hard weekend.

Forgot to turn up for something this afternoon. Fortunately was able to rearrange for tomorrow afternoon.

My daughter's best friend has had nits. I hate nits. Mainly because my eye sight is poor and I can't see them. I get paranoid about them. Ended up treating my daughter's hair anyway. I segment the hair and brush it with not comb. But I can't actually see them. I get stressed about it and It's really hard work.

Joy's Wedding

An interesting weekend… Paul’s half-sister got married yesterday.  I was invited, I didn’t want to go.  Strangely, no one questioned if I was invited, no one questioned if I was wanted there, no one questioned if I wanted to go.  Paul’s mum and 2 half-sister’s all assumed that I was invited, they wanted me there and that I wanted to go. 

It was alright.  It went better than I thought it would be.  Paul’s mum and 2 half-sisters made it clear that I was welcome and that they appreciated me bothering to turn up.  What upset me was that Paul was clearly upset in the worship yet the chances of me giving him a hug or asking for a hug or the chances of me asking him what’s wrong or him actually talking to me are fairly minimal.  I just want my husband back.  I just want him to love me and support me and for me to do the same in return. 

The Pastor who took the service had been married 40ish years.  And said he got married in the days when something was broken you fixed it.  I was thinking about this.  Mine and Paul’s relationship was / is broken.  But, why should I have to fix it on my own!? 

We’ve had too much family time for my liking recently.  Paul’s brother and sister in law came over on the Easter bank holiday Monday, then the wedding yesterday and Esther’s family birthday lunch today.  I know I could not turn up and I know I could refuse to go or not turn up.  But it does Joel and Esther good for us to see me and Paul getting on. 

My mental health is utter crap.

So I mental and emotional health are utter crap.  I feel useless, worthless, fat, ugly, insecure, not good enough, a failure.  I’m probably drinking a little too much, but I don’t care.  I feel like I have been at rock bottom for months.  I feel like nothing changes anything. 

My GP referred me to the Community Mental Health Team in February.  At first they said the wait was 12 – 14 weeks.  Now they are saying the wait is 18 – 20 weeks.  At the beginning of January I found a great new GP at my doctors’ surgery who is a Christian and kind of gets me.  But the facts remain that unless I put myself in A & E repeatedly through self-harm, overdoses, suicidal thoughts or suicide attempts then no one will take any notice of me and my struggles. 

Many times I have considered / thought about either taking an overdose and going to A&E or going to A&E because I am struggling with suicidal thoughts.  But what’s the point?!  They won’t do anything.  It won’t change anything.  It remains a fact that A&E, the NHS in general and mental health services are chronically underfunded and under staffed. 

So this evening I had 1 small glass of wine at the pub and drove home (which is fine and legal).  Once the kids were in bed I am now on my 3^rd large glass of wine and lemonade or orange juice.  So here I am feeling like crap, on my own and yes, that’s normal for Friday night or any night. 

This years bah humbug post!!

I often think about writing / blogging then don’t get round to it or write in my diary instead. 

Christmas?  What’s it really about?  Christmas for me is all about Jesus.  The Saviour of the World, the King of Kings, the miraculous birth. 

What do I want to do at Christmas?  Go to church on the Sundays either side of Christmas and go to church on Christmas day.  (I know Christmas Day is a Sunday this year). 

I’m so Bah humbug, I’m such a scrooge.  I think I’ve written similar posts at Christmas before.  I strongly dislike a lot of things about Christmas.  I dislike the hype, the commercialisation, the shopping, the food, the trees, the presents, the family time, the fakeness, the obligations. 

I’ve ditched a lot of Christmas this year.  Paul, Joel and Esther put the tree up.  I’ve avoided nearly all the shopping and wrapping.  I’ve bought presents for Paul, Joel and Esther.  I’ve found out what my family want and instructed Paul in what to buy.  Paul’s done all the rest of the Christmas shopping on Amazon and all the wrapping.  It’s not that I begrudge giving and spending money on people, I don’t at all.  I just hate the shopping.  I’d quite happily give everyone money / vouchers and skip the shopping part. 

The food – I don’t intend on cooking anything out of the ordinary!!  Going to my parents for the weekend so no cooking for me!!  I’m not that fussed about turkey or roast dinners.  I don’t like Christmas pudding, mince pies or Christmas cake. 

I’m not into playing happy families and fake family time.  I spend approximately 3 or 4 weekends a year with my older brother and his wife.  I spend a bit more time than that with my younger brother maybe 6 weekends.  My brothers are not my friends and they know very little about me or my life.  My older brother especially is snobby, arrogant, ignorant and rude.  My parents again have never been my friends or emotionally supportive and they don’t know much about my life or my friends. 

Going to the in-laws is worse.  I’m not going this year, I have refused to go.  I have been married 14 years and I still feel like I don’t know my in-laws very well or that I really have a relationship with them.  Well Paul’s Dad and step-mum anyway.  I get on with his mum.  He’s spent roughly £250 on presents for his family and extended family and another £100 on Premier Inn to go and stay for 3 nights.  I just don’t get it.  I just don’t see the point.  I’d rather buy Christmas presents for close friends who openly love and support me day in day out than for extended family who we see for 2 weeks of the year and who we don’t talk to for months on end. 

I am also not up for playing happy families when me and Paul are barely talking and have no relationship or marriage.  He lives like a bachelor / house mate with a bit of parenting thrown in most of the time.  So I said to Paul that I’m not going.  So there’s my Bah humbug post for now!!

What do I want for Christmas?  I want my marriage back.  I want my husband to be my partner and my best friend.  I want my husband to support me and talk to me.  I want a new school place for Joel, I want him to be happy, to make new friends, to be more confident.  Failing a miraculous change in my husband, I want my independence, I want to move out, I want my own house.  I want to be well.  Screw you chronic fatigue and depression, I just want to feel ok, to feel good and have energy.  I want to grow in my relationship with God, I want to stick by His side, to trust Him and have faith in Him unreservedly.  The things I want for Christmas are mainly thing that money can’t buy, but that God can provide. 

Being selfish I want:

-       My driving license back

-       More hours at work

-       My own house

-       Financial independence

So we’ll see what 2017 brings!!  

Grades.

So… my grades…

Children’s module – 60%

Law – 69%

Adults – 52%

Dissertation – due back on 28^th May

Placement – due back at the beginning of October 

If I get 60% or more in my dissertation and Placement I’ll scrape a 2:1.  Otherwise I’ll scrape a 2:2, which I don’t know if or how it will affect my job applications.  But still I’ve done a 3 year degree over 4 years, I’ve been ill for 2 of those years and have done all 4 years with 2 young children and negligible support from extended family and a little support from Paul.  So a 2:2 would be fine, it’s just I got a 2:1 in my first degree and I thought I’ve done it before, I can do it again!  

Politics!

I have refrained from posting my political opinions on Facebook.  But I’m gutted!  5 years ago I had no real political opinions. Four years of a social work degree and studying social policy have taught me a better understanding of politics. 

So my understanding, Scotland chose not to vote for independence.  Yet now the majority of Scotland have voted for the SNP which has caused Labour and the LibDems to lose a load of seats which has had a huge impact on Westminster and the political make up of England and the whole of the UK. 

This country now faces another 5 years of austerity, cut backs, tax breaks for the rich.  I may well be being stereotypical.  I haven’t done the research but I heard that 66% of the UK voted.  What’s the betting that was the wealthiest 66% of the UK?  People think their vote doesn’t matter or count, it does!