My limits.

My limit this week and last week seems to be children in fed and dressed in the right place at the right time with the right stuff.  I haven’t done any washing for a week or so.  I have run out of clothes.  I have a load of washing clean and wet.  Need to dry it tonight.  I may be running out of clean school uniform.  I thought about taking the washing over to Paul’s today to use the tumble dryer but it was just a thought I didn’t actually do it. 

I’ve had enough, nothing is changing, nothing is improving.  I have been off work for 10 months.  Severely lacking in energy and motivation to do anything.  Someone tell me what I am doing wrong.  Someone tell me how to change, how to heal.  Someone tell me to do or try something I haven’t already tried. 

Today

Struggling to put my thoughts and feelings into coherent words and sentences. Very tired, low and emotuonal. A hard weekend.

Forgot to turn up for something this afternoon. Fortunately was able to rearrange for tomorrow afternoon.

My daughter's best friend has had nits. I hate nits. Mainly because my eye sight is poor and I can't see them. I get paranoid about them. Ended up treating my daughter's hair anyway. I segment the hair and brush it with not comb. But I can't actually see them. I get stressed about it and It's really hard work.

Joy's Wedding

An interesting weekend… Paul’s half-sister got married yesterday.  I was invited, I didn’t want to go.  Strangely, no one questioned if I was invited, no one questioned if I was wanted there, no one questioned if I wanted to go.  Paul’s mum and 2 half-sister’s all assumed that I was invited, they wanted me there and that I wanted to go. 

It was alright.  It went better than I thought it would be.  Paul’s mum and 2 half-sisters made it clear that I was welcome and that they appreciated me bothering to turn up.  What upset me was that Paul was clearly upset in the worship yet the chances of me giving him a hug or asking for a hug or the chances of me asking him what’s wrong or him actually talking to me are fairly minimal.  I just want my husband back.  I just want him to love me and support me and for me to do the same in return. 

The Pastor who took the service had been married 40ish years.  And said he got married in the days when something was broken you fixed it.  I was thinking about this.  Mine and Paul’s relationship was / is broken.  But, why should I have to fix it on my own!? 

We’ve had too much family time for my liking recently.  Paul’s brother and sister in law came over on the Easter bank holiday Monday, then the wedding yesterday and Esther’s family birthday lunch today.  I know I could not turn up and I know I could refuse to go or not turn up.  But it does Joel and Esther good for us to see me and Paul getting on. 

My mental health is utter crap.

So I mental and emotional health are utter crap.  I feel useless, worthless, fat, ugly, insecure, not good enough, a failure.  I’m probably drinking a little too much, but I don’t care.  I feel like I have been at rock bottom for months.  I feel like nothing changes anything. 

My GP referred me to the Community Mental Health Team in February.  At first they said the wait was 12 – 14 weeks.  Now they are saying the wait is 18 – 20 weeks.  At the beginning of January I found a great new GP at my doctors’ surgery who is a Christian and kind of gets me.  But the facts remain that unless I put myself in A & E repeatedly through self-harm, overdoses, suicidal thoughts or suicide attempts then no one will take any notice of me and my struggles. 

Many times I have considered / thought about either taking an overdose and going to A&E or going to A&E because I am struggling with suicidal thoughts.  But what’s the point?!  They won’t do anything.  It won’t change anything.  It remains a fact that A&E, the NHS in general and mental health services are chronically underfunded and under staffed. 

So this evening I had 1 small glass of wine at the pub and drove home (which is fine and legal).  Once the kids were in bed I am now on my 3^rd large glass of wine and lemonade or orange juice.  So here I am feeling like crap, on my own and yes, that’s normal for Friday night or any night.