FSD

So FSD – Firsts Steps Derbyshire.  I’ve been going for about 2 months now.  Firsts Steps Derbyshire is Derbyshire’s only charity which helps and supports people with eating problems and eating disorders (EDs).  (Don’t worry, I’m ok / doing fine I think!)  I can’t remember if I’ve written about this before or not.  Over Christmas I saw an article in the Derbyshire Evening Telegraph about a lady’s story of having Anorexia, her recovery and now her pregnancy.  The article talked about how FSD has supported her through it all.  

I was looking for things to do during my 6 months off uni.  I’ve started helping out at “The Base” youth club run in Chaddesden by my church.  And I thought volunteering at FSD would be a good, different and interesting thing to do.  They run various things including a monthly coffee morning, and 2 weekly support groups one for 11 - 25’s and one for anyone (sufferers, parents, carers, friends etc).  I went to a coffee morning and met people and said who I was, my experience of having an eating disorder and that I was interested in volunteering.  I’ve been going to the anyone support group for nearly 2 months and I’ve been to 2 coffee mornings.  The staff and volunteers know I’m not a sufferer / service user and that I’m interested in volunteering.  I’ve filled in the volunteer application form and I’m waiting for an interview / chat with the volunteer coordinator.

I’m enjoying supporting this charity and attending the groups and hope to be an official volunteer soon.  It’s a very safe and friendly environment.  It’s so non-judgmental and everyone is made to feel welcome.  I love the secret Facebook group, lol.  People are so supportive of each other on it and people make new friends on the group, then meet in real life!  I’ve done this twice.  One girl I saw on the group then realised she goes to my church.  So I met her at church and we’ve been out for a drink.  And another friend I met on the group, realised she was a Christian from what she was writing, we talked on Facebook a bit then I met her before the support group one evening as she was too nervous to go to the group on her own.  So I met her for a drink then we went to the group together.

However having said all this being around people with EDs it does kind of drag up the past and there’s still part of me thinks they have an ED and they’re doing ok so why can’t I do it.  But a lady at church gave me a word / prophesied over me a couple of months ago that I am stringer than I think I am and God will protect me.  I can’t remember what else or the exact word without going to find my note book. 

And there are names and terms for things that I did and do and didn’t know what they were called.  Things like restricting, triggering, ED behaviours, bingeing, purging etc.  It has also greatly increased my understanding of ED’s and other mental health issues / problems. 

Maybe I should explain.  If you don’t already know I had an eating disorder from being about 14 – 20.  (I’m 30 this year).  I had anorexia / the mentality of a person with anorexia but because I wasn’t dangerously thin / dangerously low weight there was no help or support.  I went to the doctor’s a couple of times and just got brushed off and told to eat more healthily and was given advice on healthy eating.  I went twice to youth counselling / advice typed places.  Once to one in York, I can’t really remember what it was called or what happened, I remember them giving me a book to read but don’t remember anything else.  I remember a friend, a lad from school taking me.  I also went once to a similar place in Derby, and again I can’t actually remember what happened.  But I only went once so they can’t have been that helpful! 

My help and support came from my church friends in York and then Paul once I moved to Derby and we became friends.  My parents either didn’t know about or ignored my eating problems.  Even now I think they’re oblivious to the eating problems I had and how they partly caused them and the effect they had on me.  I’ve been well for pretty much 10 years, which is great.  Again you may know you may not, I had post natal depression after having Esther for about 15 months.  I didn’t want medication or secular counselling so I never went to the doctor’s about it.  But I ate through having PND.  I think if I was going to relapse / return to my ED I think it would have happened when I had PND. 

I also lost my baby weight sensibly and successfully after having both children.  I think I lost a stone after I had Joel and a stone and a half after I had Esther.  I know weight what I did before I was pregnant with Joel so I was happy with that until recently. 

I have written a lot about the big fall out I had with mother over Joel and his speech therapy.  Well when that happened it really dragged up the past for me.  It would have been the beginning of March, I think it coincided with when I started going to FSD.  It was really triggering for me and really tempted me to return to my ED and ED behaviours.  Mother really upset me and for me it dragged up the past of having an ED.  The ED that she totally oblivious or in denial that I ever had. 

She made me feel like crap and really down for about a month.  I was hurt, upset and unhappy.  I couldn’t control the situation, I couldn’t control my mother, so what do I do / think about doing?  Turning to the thing I control, what I eat or don’t eat.  I didn’t eat properly for a few weeks maybe, but I still had 2 meals, just skipped lunch mainly.  But it was a classic return to ED behaviours and being triggered by things, almost a textbook example. 

Anyway I was kind off brought out of that by going on my friend’s church’s youth weekend.  3 big meals prepared for me for 2 ½ days, I had to be fine with that and to set an example for the girls I knew were struggling.  Then I went straight into working at YPlay, a weekend at my parents, work again and Esther’s birthday and a weekend at Paul’s dad’s.  So not eating or skipping meals was just not an option, so I was snapped out of it by necessity.  In the last week I not skipped meals, I’m dieting sensibly trying to cut out the rubbish (cake, crisps, chocolate, sweets, chips, coke, ice cream and lucozade) and eat more fruit and veg etc.  Tried being the operative word, I’ve failed miserably and then feel rubbish ‘cause I think I’ve failed. 

Although I’ve been pretty much free of and ED for 10 years I’ve never quite got over the low self-esteem, low self-worth, lack of self-confidence, feeling not liked and unpopular etc.  I pretty much got over the feeling and thinking I look fat thing, I know I’m not fat and have been pretty good about this.  However I’ve not got over feeling / thinking that I’m ugly, not good enough, don’t wear the right clothes / nice clothes, don’t have the right friends / do not feel in the in crowd. 

My current problem is I’m bored!  I have too much time on my hands and not enough to do.  I have the argument with mother hanging over me and not really resolved.  And Joel’s development, speech therapy and education to do my best to help and support him and get him the best services and most appropriate help and support. 

When this thing with mother blew up I lost about 3 or 4lbs through either eating three healthy meals with no rubbish / junk or from eating 2 meals.  I was pleased with this.  But the last 3 weeks I’ve just eaten too much and too much rubbish / crap.  The problem is I have no will power / self-restraint.  If there’s chocolate / cake / sweets in the house I eat too much of them.  I can’t just have a bit each day.  Unless it’s cake that I’ve made then I will have a piece or two a day.  I hate to call it bingeing but it probably is. 

I have a (very) sweet tooth and crave sugar when I’ve not had much.  On a good day I’ll have coke zero / diet coke instead.  And partly I shop and eat ‘cause I have nothing better to do.  The best option is just not to have sweets / chocolate / cake in the house.  Which some of the time I’m good at, but the last 3 weeks I’ve been bad at!  So I eat too much rubbish, then feel fat and crap.  See I need better things to fill my days with uni / work etc. 

Anyway I started writing this last night and now I can’t remember what else I wanted to write and I need to go and make the children’s packed lunches.