Stuff!!

So my mum has a go at me on the phone on Christmas Day.  She then writes me a letter about 2 weeks ago.  I send her two emails in return.  she phones last Friday (a week ago) and how dare I send her nasty emails (they weren't nasty) and my brothers would never do that.  And they're just concerned grandparents and she's only ever tried to be a good parents.  So it's obviously my fault and I'm obviously not good enough.  The letters and the emails will follow when I get round to it.  So all will make sense.

But the result is I've had a crappy week worrying and thinking about what to do about Mother.  I refuse to apologise when I'm not sorry and I've done nothing wrong.  I was also not willing to explain all on the phone last week as she appears to be totally oblivious to the last 16 years.  I hinted at things not being good enough for her and she wanted examples.  The examples I was not prepared to give as she is oblivious to them and will be horrified and mortified.  Then she'll twist things so it's all my fault and I've hurt and upset her.

So the past has been dragged up (well in my head anyway) and in conversation with friends.  As mother seems to be so oblivious I'm doubting that things happened, I'm wondering if I misinterpreted / misread things she said.  I wondering if I was bad as I though I was.  According to friends that new me at the time it did happen, I didn't misinterpret things and I was worse than I remember myself to be.  So trying to hang on to that.

Ok so I'm rambling and not making sense.  The current argument is the latest in a long line of things that isn't good enough for my mother.  I didn't to well enough in school for her liking, I wanted to go to the local tech college and do nursery nursing not a levels, but I wasn't allowed 'cos that wasn't the done thing.  I did A levels, failed miserably (well I got a C and 2 Es, hated it and felt under pressure to do well.  I thought I was fat (I wasn't).  I had an eating disorder from being 14 - 19 (this is what she's totally oblivious to).

I didn't get into a good enough uni, In a Pride and Prejudice, Jane Austen kind of a way I married beneath me, she thinks Paul's not good enough for me, he doesn't have a good enough education, job or career.  They didn't want me to get married until the end of uni, I got married at the end of my first year.  Being more or less a full time mum currently not having a career isn't good enough for her.  I should be a working career mum.

Yet if I told her all this she would deny the whole lot.  She would say she was just trying to be a good parent and do what's best for me.  Little does she know what is actually best for me isn't what she thinks is best for me.  I would have been better doing nursery nursing than a levels.  I still could have got into uni with the nursery nursing qualification.  Getting married at the end of my first year was right for us.  It did not effect my studying.  I just decided I would rather live with Paul than live with girl friends and have him coming round all the time.

My mother will totally deny having a treating me and my brothers differently although she has.  I'm the girl and the Christian so she has a totally different set of standards for me as for the boys.  Yet my mother would say she has three Christian children when she so doesn't.

So I've had a crappy week thinking about all this.  I've eaten far too much cake, chocolate and sweets this week (comfort food) and feel more fat and crappy about myself. So it actually has comfort food has a more negative than positive effect.    The eating disorder (ED) and the ED tendencies I recovered from and gave up on 10 years ago are so tempting right now.  Yet last year I lost a stone and a half (my baby weight) by sensibly dieting and exercising.  I've put 4lb of that back on since Christmas and feel crappy and fat for it.  I know by eating, dieting and exercising sensibly I could lose this in a couple of weeks.  But the ED way seems so much more appealing right now.  Grrrr on the one hand I think I'm fine and I'm making a fuss about nothing.  On the other hand I've had a feeling down and fat week and think maybe I'm struggling.

Also found a job to keep me occupied while I'm off uni.  But after tax, childcare and losing my child tax credit I'll be worse off than I am now on child benefit and child tax credit.  So what's the point?! The system doesn't encourage people to work.  It's nearly 2 weeks since I finished uni for 6 months and I'm bored already.  And having a crappy week doesn't help.

OK. ranting moan over.