So, I'm ok.  Yesterday I went to the park with a friend, 4 children, 2 bikes and a double pushchair.  The children had fun, so did us mums, hard work though.  Didn't do a lot yesterday afternoon which was nice.  Lost Esther to her God parent's for a couple of hours.  Tuesday is church day.  Toddler group from 10 - 12 and I'm helping run a creche for the parenting course we're running from 1 - 2.30.  So I take Joel to school, go to church and pick Joel up from school.  This evening was house group.  I was asked to lead it at the last minute yesterday evening so I hadn't had much time to prepare, I think it was ok though.

However, this whole thing with mother is hanging over me, I'm dwelling on it, thinking about it too much.  I'm ok / fine but a bit down at the same time if that makes sense.  Mother just makes me feel rubbish and I don't know what to do about it.  It's just the fact that she's so oblivious to everything.  And she makes it out to be all my fault.  When it's so not.  I don't know how to respond to her email.  Because I'm not in the wrong, she is.  Arrrrgh don't know what to do and to keep thinking about it makes me feel rubbish.

Bubble and B*****ks

Bip,

I am saddened by your assertive and critical response to my query.  I thought I sent a loving, caring letter to you.

I do forget things and that will get worse with age, as will fussing.

We all have our faults.  Paul’s Epistles tell us ‘none of us is perfect, no, not one’. 

But is there a place for unfriendly comments in a loving family? 

John and Mark are never anything but loving and caring to me and would never be rude or hurtful.  This may be a mother-daughter thing, but is it helpful?

But you will decide how you want to be.

Love mum

A lovely email I had from Mother first thing this morning.  She is totally oblivious to hurting and upsetting me.  Happy in her middle class wealthy bubble of her successful business and her perfect boys.  How dare the Sunday Christian go all high and mighty and biblical on me.  Her letter was not unfriendly then?  This email also reads John and Mark are perfect loving boys.  Why are you mean and nasty to me.  It's all your fault why have you been mean to me.  Grrrrr oblivious to reality.

Now to a nice calm coffee before the school run.

I'm not sure I would seriously go down the returning to ED route.  It's a tempting thought.  I think if it was going to happen I'd have done  it when I had PND.

This may sound blunt but unless you're seriously ill with an ED, or you want medication or counselling for depression there is no help.  Thankfully I have friends around me and yes I'm talking to them or they read this!

Today is a better day.  Today is a mother will be mother and I can't change her sort of day.  She as no idea how much she upsets and hurts me.  When she does these things.  Maybe I should tell her.

Ultimately I know my worth is found in God.  My freedom is found in Christ.  And I should spend time around people that build me up not put me down.  I just wish things were different but I don't have the guts or the confidence to change things.  But it's not always so easy to remember and hang on to these things.  When I've had a down couple of days it's easy to let these things go.

Also I don't have the will power to just not eat any more.  I need to find some motivation and will power to eat more healthily and  properly and sensibly and cut out the comfort and junk food.  I say as I'm eating the sweets and cake from Joel's party bag, well he won't eat them!   Yesterday I was upset.  Everything I wrote was true.  But today is a better more positive day.  So things don't bug me as much.

The result.

Mother phoned me last Friday (a week ago) saying what do I think I'm doing sending her two nasty emails.  I've really hurt her and upset her and she's only ever tried to be a good parent.  If I won't talk to her how are we supposed to move this relationship forward.

She doesn't give a thought to the point that she might have upset and hurt me.  You will gather from the emails that I sent her that I have explained and explained what is happening with Joel and why it's happening but it's not good enough for her.  And she's horrified that I dare be so blunt and abrupt with er.  But I've tried explaining it nicely and politely many times and she's not listened or remembered.

Yes Joel has a speech disorder / a speech delay.  He gets 10 mins one to one a day with the teaching assistant doing speech therapy games / exercises set by the speech therapist.  This is age appropriate for Joel, he's only 5!  When they're doing work at their tables in the classroom either the teacher or the teaching assistant always sits on Joel's table.  He is happy, he has friends, he likes school, he's making progress.  I don't know what more my parents want.  They think they will get a better service by paying for it.  They think they'll get some flick of a switch miracle cure and Joel will be able to talk properly if they pay for it.

Mother doesn't understand why I get upset and cross with her when she's apparently just being a concerned grandparent and wants the best for Joel.  Yes she might, but she goes the wrong way about it.  I told her that it was her problem if the help Joel gets at school isn't good enough for her.  And there was always something that wasn't good enough for her.  But she wanted examples.  The examples that are in this post http://survivorandstillhere.blogspot.com/2012/03/stuff.html and that I was not prepared to give on the phone last week as she is totally oblivious to all of it as she lives in her middle class bubble.  If I explain she'll say why didn't I say something at the time (which is a fair point) but we've never been close friends and she's never really been approachable.  She'll twist things so that I've hurt and upset her and she's only ever tried to be a good parent.  She won't be able to accept that she's done things wrong, that she's treated me and my brother's differently.  She'll be horrified and mortified that these things happened and she wasn't aware of it.  Although I've been wanting to ask her for years if she knew that this, this and this happened and if she did why the heck didn't she do anything about it.

I've been ranting, raving, moaning and repeating myself  for far too long.  But you get the point.  I'm hurt, upset and annoyed and have been for maybe 2 weeks.  It's not good!  I don't know what to do now though.  Two close / good friends both suggested that I A) Accept that things aren't great, that me and mum are not likely to be friends or see eye to eye but let the current storm blow over and continue as we have been doing for years which is seeing them periodically and letting the children have an unbiased and happy relationship with their grandparents. While me and Paul aren't close to them and aren't particularly friends with them but we spend time with them anyway 'cos they're my parents and we ought to make and effort.  Or B) talk to mother explain all of the last 16 years, let her have her hissy fit at me and be hurt and upset 'cos I've hurt her and it's all my fault.  Then see what happens after that, face the unknown reaction after the initial storm and hope that baring all will produce and begin a friendship with mother.

Option A is the way it's been for years, it's not ideal but it works and we lie with it.  Option B is currently too hard and too unknown.  I'm not prepared to put myself in the position and to make myself vulnerable.  At the moment she's not talking to me and she's upset 'cos how could I be like this to her.  At the minute I don't know what to do and can't see the way forward.  But need to get out of the upset miserable place I've been in for the last week.  It doesn't help that the children aren't sleeping well at the moment so I've been really tired for the last couple of weeks.  And I'm bored.  It'll be two weeks on Monday since I handed my last essay in. I'll miss uni the time I'm off.  Still thinking about getting a job.  Although I need to find one that's financially viable!  Right I'm going to bed.  Night to anyone who actually reads this.

My second reply.

So maybe I should have a bit more diplomatic in my last email. But in essence I still would have said the same thing. Thank you for all the concern, but we've got an appointment coming up soon. We'll be making a decision about further intervention after meeting with the professional involved and after Joel has been reassessed. 

We have been waiting for an appointment for reassessment for about a month. I have told you at least once, that we were waiting for this and that it is in hand, you have not remembered this and beg me to have him reassessed. 

There's no point getting a random speech therapist off the internet or from the yellow pages. When we see the professional involved I will ask if they are bound by budgets and if we would get a "better" or more frequent service by paying for it. And IF this is the case could they recommend someone. 

The help, support and speech therapy Joel gets in school IS good enough and is age appropriate. You are fussing and you are being over the top. Writing me an emotional over the top letter is not going to help anyone and that makes me feel like we are not doing enough to help Joel when we are e. We are supported by our friends, Joel's teacher and teaching assistant in what we think and what I have written here. I've not spoken to Joel's Head Teacher since the beginning of January but in essence I know she will support us as well. And Joel's school just got a very good Ofsted report. 

My first reply

Mother, what’s the point in explaining things to you if you don’t listen to me?  What did you think you were going to achieve by handwriting a letter instead of emailing me or having a go at me on the phone?  What difference does it make?  You just repeat yourself then don’t listen or take any notice of my responses. 

Joel is a happy, healthy, popular boy with friends.  He likes school and is enjoying, achieving and making progress.  You beg me to ask for Joel to be reassessed when this is already in the process of happening.  I told you he was waiting for an appointment for reassessment early in the New Year so you have not listened to or remembered this.  Joel has been waiting about a month for an appointment for reassessment with the speech therapy department.  This appointment came through today. 

There will be no quick fix or rapid cure for Joel’s speech.  You seem to expect this or thing you can achieve this by paying for a “better” service, this is not going to happen immediately, although we may not rule this out in the future. 

By hassling me and periodically having a go at me you merely succeed in upsetting and annoying me.  I have told you time and again what is happening and how things are progressing.  Part of the reason you don’t understand Joel’s speech is because you don’t see a lot of him.  Friends who see him more regularly say what progress he is making and how he’s improved.  There will be no immediate flick of a switch and Joel will be able to speak normally and clearly.  You seem to be expecting this.  

The letter from Mother.

You will guess why I am writing.  About Joel's talking, again.  He is 5 and we can't understand what he's saying.  Any improvement is very slow.  We can't bare the thought of him being unhappy, frustrated, teased or even bullied as he grows up.

Your council is offering what help they can afford to give but, don't you agree he needs more?  I have been investigating a little and even children who have grommets are expected to clarify their speech within a few month s of their operation.

I can't bare the though of him being handicapped during his childhood.  please. please, please ask for him to be reassessed by the speech therapist or take up our offer of a private therapist.

Dad and I agree, I am not fussing, this is serious and has to be addressed seriously to give our Joel the best possible chance to catch up to where he needs to be.

This is not a criticism of your parenting (yet it so obviously is) you and Paul are lovely parents.  But you trusted my advice on his glaucoma as a baby, please trust us now.  Don't be cross.  Joel and Esther are the apples of our eye, you know that.  Lots of love Mum and Dad.