My mental health is utter crap.

So I mental and emotional health are utter crap.  I feel useless, worthless, fat, ugly, insecure, not good enough, a failure.  I’m probably drinking a little too much, but I don’t care.  I feel like I have been at rock bottom for months.  I feel like nothing changes anything. 

My GP referred me to the Community Mental Health Team in February.  At first they said the wait was 12 – 14 weeks.  Now they are saying the wait is 18 – 20 weeks.  At the beginning of January I found a great new GP at my doctors’ surgery who is a Christian and kind of gets me.  But the facts remain that unless I put myself in A & E repeatedly through self-harm, overdoses, suicidal thoughts or suicide attempts then no one will take any notice of me and my struggles. 

Many times I have considered / thought about either taking an overdose and going to A&E or going to A&E because I am struggling with suicidal thoughts.  But what’s the point?!  They won’t do anything.  It won’t change anything.  It remains a fact that A&E, the NHS in general and mental health services are chronically underfunded and under staffed. 

So this evening I had 1 small glass of wine at the pub and drove home (which is fine and legal).  Once the kids were in bed I am now on my 3^rd large glass of wine and lemonade or orange juice.  So here I am feeling like crap, on my own and yes, that’s normal for Friday night or any night.