Don't want to do this!

So what would I like to do today?  Stay in bed, have a lie in, not take the children to school, stay in bed and read a book, then have a nap, then read some more and watch some iplayer.  I'm 2 weeks behind on Call the midwife and 3 weeks behind on The Voice I think.  Sadly that's not going to happen.  

I slept reasonably well, about 11 - 6.  I feel like crap this morning though, really tired and down.  Got up and took the children to school.  Now in the uni library.  I just submitted my draft work of my dissertation so far through "turn it in" and it came back at 9% so that's ok. "Turn it in" looks at plagiarism and if you've quoted stuff without referencing it etc. I'm up to 7000 words now, so 3 - 4000 words to go and 3 weeks. I've finished the first draft of my chapter 2 and the second draft of my chapter 1 so I'm not doing too badly!!

Need to plod on despite feeling rubbish. Any progress is good progress. And if I stay at home I'm very unlikely to do as much work as I would in the library. So on to proof reading and editing chapter 3...

Half Term

So the obligatory I should be working blog post.  I’m back in the library after not coming in for about 12 days.  I wrote last week off for uni work.  I had 4, 5 – 6 hour shifts at work, 2 lectures and took Joel and Esther out to play twice plus Joel had a hospital appointment.  At the beginning of half term Me, Joel and Esther went to Newcastle for the weekend.  Which was fun, tiring and some good but hard conversations. 

Last weekend we went to York on Friday and came back yesterday evening.  I don’t have the energy or time right now to fully overview half term or both weekends.  We went to the Viking museum on Saturday afternoon, as Joel is doing the Viking Museum this half term at school.  Esther wanted to go swimming and Joel wanted to go to the cinema but no one was really willing to take them. 

Saturday and most of Sunday there were 9 of us.  Sunday evening there were 14 of us for dinner and 19 later on.  A combination of aunties, uncles and cousins plus my parents and brothers.  Monday was my Grandma’s funeral.  It was a lovely service and was well attended.  Even though it was my Grandma’s funeral, Everybody who’s anybody in my mother’s life turned out to support her which was really lovely to see.  Joel and Esther went to play with my old youth leader while we went to the crematorium then we picked them up and took them to the after do / lunch at a hotel with us. 

Didn’t enjoy the weekend though, hard work, no fun, felt very unsupported by those that were there.  Supported though by friends who text and messaged me, thank you.  J I can’t be doing with my family or extended family.  No one talks to me, no one’s interested in me.  Some of them say hello and gave me a hug, then didn’t talk to me for the rest of the day / evening.  I’m fed up of being ignored, not fitting in and not feeling wanted or part of the family.  I don’t know why, I have my suspicions that it’s because I’m not rich enough, not posh enough, not girly enough (not bothered about make up or a posh hair do), have no interest in the (upper) middle class bubble that they all live in.  Who knows?!  But I’ve had enough of it. 

Anyway, must try and concentrate, must do some work.  I need to finish my chapter 2 and start my chapter 3.  Word count wise I’ve got anything from 100 – 300 words to write.  In content I need to detail my journal articles a bit more and say more about the research studies.  Hopefully get chapter 2 finished this afternoon.  Anyway, as usual, back to it!  

Grandma

So, my Grandma's funeral is Monday 16th.  What hymns would a 96 year old supposedly non Christian choose for her funeral?  Apparently Onward Christian Soldiers and Angels Voices Ever Ringing Round Thy Throne of Light.  Both of which I know the tunes to but only know the first couple of lines without the words.

Mother says Grandma wasn't a Christian and who knows where she is now 'cos she's not in heaven.  I beg to differ.  She has always shown and interest in Church, went occasionally and I don't think it's for mother to say where her heart was.  She has heard the gospel more than once over the course of her life.  And just because she never told mother that she had given her heart to Christ or become a Christian, I don't think that means that she never did it.  I wouldn't be surprised if she quietly believed in her old age.  That's what I think anyway.

Anyway, I have 4 half days at work this week and 2 half days at uni.  And we're going to York Friday - Monday.  So busy, busy, busy and I need to go to bed.  Night all.

This week.

So, my progress, I’ve written 700 words so far this week, which is great.  Mainly written on Saturday, Monday and Tuesday.  My overall total is 4500 words, which sounds impressive!  Only 5500 to go in 6 weeks!  Minus half term when I’m unlikely to do any work, so make that 5 weeks. 

So my Grandma died yesterday about 5.30pm.  My mum rang about 6pm.  I cried for about half an hour, probably shock more than anything.  I’ve been ok since.  I wasn’t close to her and didn’t really have a relationship with her.  I last saw her at Christmas.  She was 96.  Last week, maybe Tuesday or Wednesday she had a mini stroke.  She rallied and was back in her residential home a couple of days later.  My aunty, uncle and his wife all visited last weekend.  My dad has just been to Portugal for a week so wasn’t around. 

I invited mum over to Derby last Saturday as I thought she was on her own, but she said she was ok and my aunty was there for the weekend.  Then my uncle and his wife ended up going as well.  On Monday I offered to go to York, but she said she was ok.  Then Tuesday morning, my Grandma got out of bed, fell over and broke her wrist.  My brother visited York from Tuesday to Thursday.  Again on Tuesday or Wednesday I spoke to mum and offered to go over on Friday, so after my brother had left and she was indecisive and said she’d let me know. 

Then on Thursday morning, my Grandma had a heart attack, my brother was there and was understandably quite upset to witness it.  But again she made a remarkable recover and rallied initially before dying yesterday evening. 

Mum said in an email how lovely it was to have my brother there and that she appreciated him having 2 days off work to visit.  Yet I offered twice and was ignored.  My dad got back Thursday evening so is back to support mum.  I’m not that upset about her dying, it was going to happen sooner or later.  The last few times we’ve seen her we didn’t know if it would be the last. 

I think I’m more annoyed and upset about my mother’s attitude of the last week or so and making a big deal about my brother visiting when I had offered and wasn’t wanted.  But that’s my mother all over and she doesn’t change.  One rule for the boys and another for me.  She skyped my brother in Spain last night and I assume phoned my other brother.  Yet I got a 2 minute phone call yesterday. 

She did ring this morning though and said were there any dates we couldn’t do for the funeral.  That was nice of her but I said we were flexible, I have uni but I have a good attendance rate so missing a lecture or two won’t matter.  I think we can miss 3 out of 10 before we get into trouble, but I rarely miss any.  Joel has a hospital appointment on the potential day of the funeral, an appointment we’ve been waiting about 6 weeks for.  But again although this is inconvenient it doesn’t matter and can easily be rearranged. 

Paul had a phone call on Monday saying could he do a second interview on Friday.  But they then phoned yesterday and said it was cancelled.  So we’re not sure what’s going on there, he’s not had a returned call with the reason for cancellation yet. 

Yet again I’m moaning before working.  Must do some work.  Yesterday afternoon I was going to work in the library but ended up going to a friend’s house instead.  Right, 300 words to write to meet my 1000 word target for this week. 

Quick one

So Saturday afternoon I decamped to the university library and wrote 400 words.  I need to be writing 1200 words a week though, I'm still behind.  I've taken the children to school and come in to the library again.  If this is the best / only way to get work done then so be it.  Paul winds me up by just sitting at the computer doing nothing / playing his game.

In other news, in the nicest possible way, my Grandma is on the way out.  She had another mini stroke last week and is apparently very frail and sleeping a lot.  My Dad's disappeared to Portugal for a week.  My Aunty and Uncle (Mum's brother and sister) have gone to York.  I've offered to go up a couple of times but haven't had a Yes I want you from mother, so haven't bothered going yet.  If she asks or wants me to go then I will otherwise I'm staying put.

So, how many words can I write today!?

Yes, I'm still moaning.

This is not good!  Yes I know I should get off Facebook and get off Blogger.  Not enough work happening.  I should have written 2000 words in the last 2 weeks and I’m on about 400 words.  I might have to decamp to the university library next week to make sure I do some work. 

I have no motivation, no energy, no focus and no concentration.  It’s silly, I’m stressed because I have loads of work to do yet I can’t get on with it because I’m stressed and struggle to concentrate.  Chronic fatigue, depression and stress are not a good combination for accomplishing anything. 

Having Paul around doesn’t help.  I’m sick of the sight of his computer game, it just winds me up the way he spends 12 hours a day on it and thinks this is reasonable.  I wrote him a list of jobs 2 months ago when he finished work, he ignored it.  He cleans the kitchen and bathroom occasionally and does the dishwasher most days.  But there’s loads of jobs he could be doing and decorating, but he just never asks if there’s any jobs he could be doing and never does anything on his own initiative. 

Anyway I’ll stop wasting time and stop moaning.  

Interview and dissertation.

So Paul has an interview, right now.  He was really nervous, I think he quite wants this job.  He didn’t apply for it.  He applied for an IT Technicians job and the agency phoned him and said we have another vacancy that we think is more suited to your experience and CV.  It’s IT Trainer – Team Leader.  So, praying friends, please pray. 

If he got it, we think we could run two cars as it’s more money than his last job.  We always assumed that any job he got after being made redundant would be a pay drop.  I think it’s boosted his confidence just that someone’s looked his CV and recommended him for a job.  He has been an IT Trainer for 10 years, he does have a lot of experience, but he doesn't have much in the way of qualifications to prove on paper what he can do.  He did above and beyond his job role for many years.  So hopefully his knowledge and experience will come through. 

As usual I should be working.  I had a tutorial with my dissertation yesterday.  Basically my first draft of my first chapter is fine / good.  It just needs minor editing.  I can cope with minor editing!!  And she said she likes my writing style.  I just need to keep going with it, find some discipline and motivation to keep going with it.  I need to be writing 1000 words a week or more and I’m not.   Either I’m too tired or my head is too full of other stuff or everything else to concentrate. 

Anyway, to praying for Paul, then to lunch then hopefully to some focused dissertation studying!!