My second reply.

So maybe I should have a bit more diplomatic in my last email. But in essence I still would have said the same thing. Thank you for all the concern, but we've got an appointment coming up soon. We'll be making a decision about further intervention after meeting with the professional involved and after Joel has been reassessed. 

We have been waiting for an appointment for reassessment for about a month. I have told you at least once, that we were waiting for this and that it is in hand, you have not remembered this and beg me to have him reassessed. 

There's no point getting a random speech therapist off the internet or from the yellow pages. When we see the professional involved I will ask if they are bound by budgets and if we would get a "better" or more frequent service by paying for it. And IF this is the case could they recommend someone. 

The help, support and speech therapy Joel gets in school IS good enough and is age appropriate. You are fussing and you are being over the top. Writing me an emotional over the top letter is not going to help anyone and that makes me feel like we are not doing enough to help Joel when we are e. We are supported by our friends, Joel's teacher and teaching assistant in what we think and what I have written here. I've not spoken to Joel's Head Teacher since the beginning of January but in essence I know she will support us as well. And Joel's school just got a very good Ofsted report. 

My first reply

Mother, what’s the point in explaining things to you if you don’t listen to me?  What did you think you were going to achieve by handwriting a letter instead of emailing me or having a go at me on the phone?  What difference does it make?  You just repeat yourself then don’t listen or take any notice of my responses. 

Joel is a happy, healthy, popular boy with friends.  He likes school and is enjoying, achieving and making progress.  You beg me to ask for Joel to be reassessed when this is already in the process of happening.  I told you he was waiting for an appointment for reassessment early in the New Year so you have not listened to or remembered this.  Joel has been waiting about a month for an appointment for reassessment with the speech therapy department.  This appointment came through today. 

There will be no quick fix or rapid cure for Joel’s speech.  You seem to expect this or thing you can achieve this by paying for a “better” service, this is not going to happen immediately, although we may not rule this out in the future. 

By hassling me and periodically having a go at me you merely succeed in upsetting and annoying me.  I have told you time and again what is happening and how things are progressing.  Part of the reason you don’t understand Joel’s speech is because you don’t see a lot of him.  Friends who see him more regularly say what progress he is making and how he’s improved.  There will be no immediate flick of a switch and Joel will be able to speak normally and clearly.  You seem to be expecting this.  

The letter from Mother.

You will guess why I am writing.  About Joel's talking, again.  He is 5 and we can't understand what he's saying.  Any improvement is very slow.  We can't bare the thought of him being unhappy, frustrated, teased or even bullied as he grows up.

Your council is offering what help they can afford to give but, don't you agree he needs more?  I have been investigating a little and even children who have grommets are expected to clarify their speech within a few month s of their operation.

I can't bare the though of him being handicapped during his childhood.  please. please, please ask for him to be reassessed by the speech therapist or take up our offer of a private therapist.

Dad and I agree, I am not fussing, this is serious and has to be addressed seriously to give our Joel the best possible chance to catch up to where he needs to be.

This is not a criticism of your parenting (yet it so obviously is) you and Paul are lovely parents.  But you trusted my advice on his glaucoma as a baby, please trust us now.  Don't be cross.  Joel and Esther are the apples of our eye, you know that.  Lots of love Mum and Dad.

Stuff!!

So my mum has a go at me on the phone on Christmas Day.  She then writes me a letter about 2 weeks ago.  I send her two emails in return.  she phones last Friday (a week ago) and how dare I send her nasty emails (they weren't nasty) and my brothers would never do that.  And they're just concerned grandparents and she's only ever tried to be a good parents.  So it's obviously my fault and I'm obviously not good enough.  The letters and the emails will follow when I get round to it.  So all will make sense.

But the result is I've had a crappy week worrying and thinking about what to do about Mother.  I refuse to apologise when I'm not sorry and I've done nothing wrong.  I was also not willing to explain all on the phone last week as she appears to be totally oblivious to the last 16 years.  I hinted at things not being good enough for her and she wanted examples.  The examples I was not prepared to give as she is oblivious to them and will be horrified and mortified.  Then she'll twist things so it's all my fault and I've hurt and upset her.

So the past has been dragged up (well in my head anyway) and in conversation with friends.  As mother seems to be so oblivious I'm doubting that things happened, I'm wondering if I misinterpreted / misread things she said.  I wondering if I was bad as I though I was.  According to friends that new me at the time it did happen, I didn't misinterpret things and I was worse than I remember myself to be.  So trying to hang on to that.

Ok so I'm rambling and not making sense.  The current argument is the latest in a long line of things that isn't good enough for my mother.  I didn't to well enough in school for her liking, I wanted to go to the local tech college and do nursery nursing not a levels, but I wasn't allowed 'cos that wasn't the done thing.  I did A levels, failed miserably (well I got a C and 2 Es, hated it and felt under pressure to do well.  I thought I was fat (I wasn't).  I had an eating disorder from being 14 - 19 (this is what she's totally oblivious to).

I didn't get into a good enough uni, In a Pride and Prejudice, Jane Austen kind of a way I married beneath me, she thinks Paul's not good enough for me, he doesn't have a good enough education, job or career.  They didn't want me to get married until the end of uni, I got married at the end of my first year.  Being more or less a full time mum currently not having a career isn't good enough for her.  I should be a working career mum.

Yet if I told her all this she would deny the whole lot.  She would say she was just trying to be a good parent and do what's best for me.  Little does she know what is actually best for me isn't what she thinks is best for me.  I would have been better doing nursery nursing than a levels.  I still could have got into uni with the nursery nursing qualification.  Getting married at the end of my first year was right for us.  It did not effect my studying.  I just decided I would rather live with Paul than live with girl friends and have him coming round all the time.

My mother will totally deny having a treating me and my brothers differently although she has.  I'm the girl and the Christian so she has a totally different set of standards for me as for the boys.  Yet my mother would say she has three Christian children when she so doesn't.

So I've had a crappy week thinking about all this.  I've eaten far too much cake, chocolate and sweets this week (comfort food) and feel more fat and crappy about myself. So it actually has comfort food has a more negative than positive effect.    The eating disorder (ED) and the ED tendencies I recovered from and gave up on 10 years ago are so tempting right now.  Yet last year I lost a stone and a half (my baby weight) by sensibly dieting and exercising.  I've put 4lb of that back on since Christmas and feel crappy and fat for it.  I know by eating, dieting and exercising sensibly I could lose this in a couple of weeks.  But the ED way seems so much more appealing right now.  Grrrr on the one hand I think I'm fine and I'm making a fuss about nothing.  On the other hand I've had a feeling down and fat week and think maybe I'm struggling.

Also found a job to keep me occupied while I'm off uni.  But after tax, childcare and losing my child tax credit I'll be worse off than I am now on child benefit and child tax credit.  So what's the point?! The system doesn't encourage people to work.  It's nearly 2 weeks since I finished uni for 6 months and I'm bored already.  And having a crappy week doesn't help.

OK. ranting moan over.

If anyone actually reads this.  I know some friends know about this but don't know if anyone actually looks.

I really should write more.  So much going on in my head at the moment.  Writing would help.

Uni is finished til September.  The second half of first year is placement.  I'm doing my placement next year.  I've got good grades though.  A, B, B-, C+ and one essay I'm waiting to get back.

My mother's not talking to me 'cos I've apparently hurt her and upset her and sent her nasty emails.  Not that having a got at me on the phone on Christmas Day is nasty or sending me a letter saying the same things is nasty. (To be explained at a later date.  

As usual I'm going to bed.  Really need to make more time for writing.

As usual I would love to have more time to write than I do!

This evening I have had a good chat with my mentor typed person, our 3rd meeting.  3 or 4 months ago I could not explain why God had put this particular person's name in my head to ask to be my mentor and a support to me.  Now, all is clear, we are similar in so many respects in areas of our pasts, our characters and our husbands characters!  I can really see why God put us together now.  :-)

Then fish and chip with the hubby, so a lovely evening.  Even if he didn't pause the Grand Prix while we were eating!  There are more pressing things to do than to blog more.  :-( Hopefully I'll have time to write properly soon.

Reflections

So this week was uni induction and enrolment.  My reflections - I thrive on being busy and juggling different things.  I still had the children ready and sorted and the cooking and washing done.  When I'm not busy I get bored and unmotivated and can't be bothered to do anything.  This week I've had 3 days in uni and still have got everything done and have been out 3 nights this week.  Looking forwards to starting properly in a week.  Will see how it goes...