God stuff.

So, I have this sort of mentor person at church, and I appreciate her giving up her time to have a cup of tea and chat with me, it’s just that we’re not close and not particularly good friends.  So we talk about everyday stuff but when she asks what’s do I feel God’s saying to me at the moment, what have I been reading or what am I struggling with, I don’t really want to / feel able to share these things with her, which kind of defeats the point of having a “m3ntor” typed person!! 

I’ve been reading the Confident Woman Devotional by Joyce Meyer for over a year.  It’s supposed to be daily readings for a year, but it’s more likely to take me closer to eighteen months to read it all.  I tend to read the day’s page, write a couple of notes and a short prayer and then summarise into one key point!  If anyone is also reading this book at the moment, I think one friend is, I’m currently reading in the middle of July!  Some (most) days I won’t read at all.  Other days I’ll read 1, 2, 3, or occasionally 4 days worth. 

So recent summary points…

Ø     God can / will heal my spirit, emotions, mind, will and personality. 

Ø     God blesses me and is changing me to become more like Him. 

Ø     God doesn’t look at my past, he plans for my future. 

Ø     I need to think positively, walk with confidence and expect good things. 

Ø     Jesus is my protection against spiritual warfare. 

Ø     I need to let go of the past, God’s mercy and faith are endless to me.  I need to be faithful to God in return. 

Ø     God will mould and remould me into the person He has called me to be. 

Ø     I need to step out in faith and try new things.  God works through faith not fear. 

Ø     God gives me strength everyday to take action and receive blessings, not to waste time worrying. 

Ø     God gives me the power to be a witness for Him through His Holy Spirit. 

Ø     God wanted men and women to be equal.  I need to use my gifts to bless others. 

Ø     I need to take responsibility for my own actions, only me and God can change me. 

Ø     I need to confront my fears and Satan’s lies and expose the truth. 

Ø     Be honest about my relationships.  Jesus called us to love everyone, not to like everyone. 

Ø     Don’t look at the “what if’s” and “if only’s”.  Move forward in God’s power and be confident. 

Ø     I am God’s creation, unique and God’s plan.  Don’t compare myself to others. 

Ø     What fears involving others do I need to face?  I need the courage to take a stand and deal with it. 

Ø     I should face my fears and just do it, even if I’m afraid whilst doing it. 

Ø     Positive thinking can change reality.  Thinking positively is thinking from God’s perspective. 

Ø     I need to pray for my husband, that he will seek God regularly and lead his family.  I need to look for and practive the truth and God’s way.  

So there you go, my life in daily (but not really daily) readings.  

Enough or not enough?

Should I be happy that I have a husband with a full time job that he sticks at even though he’s bored and a bit fed up?  A job that pays the mortgage, all the bills and for a car?  A husband that is willing to babysit, and put the kids to bed.  Or am I allowed to moan that he doesn’t do the dishwasher everyday and he doesn’t often to anything else to help around the house without being asked to.  He does the washing occasionally / some of the time, mainly if I’m really tired or really busy and the basket is over flowing he might so some.  Should I be happy with what he does do or am I justified in moaning about what he doesn’t do? 

So it’s mother’s day.  Does he get me a card, flowers, chocolate?  Nope, nothing.  Joel gives me a card and a cone with a couple of chocolates in that he made at the childminder’s and a card he made at school.  Esther missed 3 days nursery this week and she’s not been to the childminder’s either so she’s not made me a card.  Because Joel had made stuff Paul didn’t feel the need to buy me anything.  Yeah, thanks a lot, nice to be appreciated.  And I got a bar of chocolate from church as well.  I bought myself a chocolate Orange and I was going to buy some flowers, but Tesco didn’t have any left.  So, should I appreciate what Paul does or moan about what he doesn’t do?!  

The Dentist.

I feel like an idiot.  Went to the dentist and cried lots.  I can’t bare anything poking around in my mouth.  It’s not that it hurts, I just hate the sensation of it.  I can’t keep my eyes open as my eyes are too sensitive to the lights.  I can’t cope with it, I’m scared, fearful, it’s irrational.  The dentist asks me questions like have I had bad experiences in the past, am I ok, would I like a break.  I can’t speak to her ‘cos I’m too busy crying or too busy trying not to cry and thinking just get it over with, don’t talk to me. 

I can’t answer her questions while I’m trying to hold myself together.  I just feel stupid.  I had a good friend offer to come with me, which I appreciate, but it wouldn’t make it any easier, make me any less anxious or make me cry any less.  The only use it might be is if I wrote down the answers to probably questions so she could speak for me. 

She tells me things like you need to brush more often you needs fillings. You need two teeth out I’ll refer you to a specialist.  You’re quite anxious, I’ll suggest sedation to the specialist.  The teeth she says I need out, I though could be filled.  Yes I know my teeth are trashed.  Yes I know it’s my fault.  Comes from having an eating disorder as a teenager and not thinking you’re worth looking after.  Then having post natal depression after having Esther.  And also sleep deprivation doesn’t do anything for my motivation for doing self-care things. 

I wrote to the dentist, and explained my history.  The one I saw a few weeks ago for an introduction to the practice appointment had received it and read it.  The one I saw today obviously hadn’t taken it out of my notes and read it.  Might write her a letter, attach my first one and also state the above. 

I’m trying to be pro-active and do something about my trashed teeth.  Took me months to get up the courage to make an appointment and register with a dentist.  Now trying to find the courage to go back again 4 weeks.  Hate this.  

Essay

This essay is taking me so much longer than it should.  It’s not particularly hard, I just can’t quite get my head round it and I’m lacking in motivation, discipline and uninterrupted time to work. I'm just over half way through and it's due in on Thursday.  I really shouldn't leave these things to the last minute.  I should have started this way before I did.  

Also going through a what am I doing, I can’t do this stage.  The thought of placement and 2 more years of modules, essays and placements.  But what options and opportunities have I got if I don’t graduate?  A low paid career in child care or as a teaching assistant (no offence to any friends who do these jobs).  When I qualify at least I have a profession and more of a chance of a graduate job. 

The disagreement I had with a fellow student is playing on my mind.  I was trying to say being realistic isn’t necessarily being oppressive.  She said I’m oppressive and judgemental and can’t go into social work with opinions like that.  Which is of course playing on my mind as you’re not good enough to be a social worker. 

Oh well, back to the essay.  I’m also dreading 3 1/2 days at mother’s house.  Making an effort to be nice to her etc.  Wish I had the guts to say we’re not coming because we don’t want to, but I don’t.  

My bah, humbug post!

I dislike a lot of things about Christmas.  I hate the commercialisation of Christmas.  I dislike trekking to my parents at Christmas.  I don’t mind going to the in-laws though, that involves less stress.  I hate Christmas shopping but don’t begrudge spending money on people, I’d quite happily give all the family cash for Christmas.  As a result of this, most of our Christmas presents have been bought on Amazon. 

However, I love the real Christmas.  I love Christmas in church, love the bits of Christmas that are all about Jesus.  If we must trek around all the family at Christmas I prefer to do this without missing anything at church.  We can’t even do that this year.  We’re going to the panto in York on Friday 21^st.  Then coming home on Christmas Eve.  The problem is the Christmas play at church and the carol service are on the 23^rd.  L We can’t come home on Saturday evening as my older brother isn’t going to my parents until Sunday.  So one of the few things I love about Christmas and I have to miss it.  And the carol service at the church I grew up in, in York is on the 16^th, so I can’t even go to that. 

Can I cope with 3 days in my parents’ house without falling out with my mother, that remains to be seen.  Oh well that’s the end of my Christmas rant.  

Ranting

Yes I’m grumpy, yes I’m annoyed so yes I write a blog post.  Someone really annoyed and upset me at uni today. 

At uni I was talking about a friend who is a single mum, has two children in care, a 6 year old and a 10 day old.  She was abused as a child, had her first child at 14 or 15.  She has lived with her mum who has brought her kids up until they went into care and until 4 or so years ago when she moved out with the now 6 year old.  She was on drugs for a number of years but has now been clean and on methadone for 7 years.  She has a mild learning disability.  The 6 year old has behavioural problems.  The 6 year old is approx. to years behind at school possibly due to neglect, a learning disability and behavioural problems. 

She wanted a baby, so she slept with at least 2 guys (possibly one night stands or possibly very short relationships) to get pregnant.  She chose to bring a child into this world when she knew she would be on her own.  Now she is complaining that she has no help. 

What I was trying to say at uni is that my friend lacks parenting capacity and skills and is unwilling to go anywhere to learn them.  So she is struggling with a 6yr old and a 10 day old. With her background as listed above the life prospects of the youngest two aren’t great.  I have said before she is unlikely to cope. 

But apparently I am being arrogant, judgemental and oppressive.  And how can I think of practicing as a social worker when I live in a middle class bubble and have these attitudes.  She really upset me.  I merely think I was being realistic.  However I don’t / didn’t explain myself very well and I am rubbish at defending myself when put on the spot. 

The uni person said she buried her first child at 14, she is a product of the care system.  She now has a husband and 3 well educated children in good schools and is doing a degree.  She’s in her early 30s I think.  And because she did all these things I am being oppressive towards my friends by saying that she can’t.  I think I am realistic if you look at my friend’s life history and background she has had few opportunities and no education etc.  I don’t think I’m being judgemental. 

This has really upset me and annoyed me hence ranting about it.  

Teenage blog!

So, as a teenager I wrote a diary for 8 years regularly and odd bits thereafter.  From 1996 (age 14) to 2004 (age 22) I’ve thought about writing a book, but wondered if it would be worth reading!  I’ve also been thinking about writing a blog of my teenage years and bits of my diary.  Might get round to starting it this evening, lol.  Only been thinking about it for months / years!!  So here’s the link anyway… 

http://diaryofadisorderedeatingteenager.blogspot.co.uk/