The Dentist.

I feel like an idiot.  Went to the dentist and cried lots.  I can’t bare anything poking around in my mouth.  It’s not that it hurts, I just hate the sensation of it.  I can’t keep my eyes open as my eyes are too sensitive to the lights.  I can’t cope with it, I’m scared, fearful, it’s irrational.  The dentist asks me questions like have I had bad experiences in the past, am I ok, would I like a break.  I can’t speak to her ‘cos I’m too busy crying or too busy trying not to cry and thinking just get it over with, don’t talk to me. 

I can’t answer her questions while I’m trying to hold myself together.  I just feel stupid.  I had a good friend offer to come with me, which I appreciate, but it wouldn’t make it any easier, make me any less anxious or make me cry any less.  The only use it might be is if I wrote down the answers to probably questions so she could speak for me. 

She tells me things like you need to brush more often you needs fillings. You need two teeth out I’ll refer you to a specialist.  You’re quite anxious, I’ll suggest sedation to the specialist.  The teeth she says I need out, I though could be filled.  Yes I know my teeth are trashed.  Yes I know it’s my fault.  Comes from having an eating disorder as a teenager and not thinking you’re worth looking after.  Then having post natal depression after having Esther.  And also sleep deprivation doesn’t do anything for my motivation for doing self-care things. 

I wrote to the dentist, and explained my history.  The one I saw a few weeks ago for an introduction to the practice appointment had received it and read it.  The one I saw today obviously hadn’t taken it out of my notes and read it.  Might write her a letter, attach my first one and also state the above. 

I’m trying to be pro-active and do something about my trashed teeth.  Took me months to get up the courage to make an appointment and register with a dentist.  Now trying to find the courage to go back again 4 weeks.  Hate this.