Yes, I'm still moaning.

This is not good!  Yes I know I should get off Facebook and get off Blogger.  Not enough work happening.  I should have written 2000 words in the last 2 weeks and I’m on about 400 words.  I might have to decamp to the university library next week to make sure I do some work. 

I have no motivation, no energy, no focus and no concentration.  It’s silly, I’m stressed because I have loads of work to do yet I can’t get on with it because I’m stressed and struggle to concentrate.  Chronic fatigue, depression and stress are not a good combination for accomplishing anything. 

Having Paul around doesn’t help.  I’m sick of the sight of his computer game, it just winds me up the way he spends 12 hours a day on it and thinks this is reasonable.  I wrote him a list of jobs 2 months ago when he finished work, he ignored it.  He cleans the kitchen and bathroom occasionally and does the dishwasher most days.  But there’s loads of jobs he could be doing and decorating, but he just never asks if there’s any jobs he could be doing and never does anything on his own initiative. 

Anyway I’ll stop wasting time and stop moaning.  

Interview and dissertation.

So Paul has an interview, right now.  He was really nervous, I think he quite wants this job.  He didn’t apply for it.  He applied for an IT Technicians job and the agency phoned him and said we have another vacancy that we think is more suited to your experience and CV.  It’s IT Trainer – Team Leader.  So, praying friends, please pray. 

If he got it, we think we could run two cars as it’s more money than his last job.  We always assumed that any job he got after being made redundant would be a pay drop.  I think it’s boosted his confidence just that someone’s looked his CV and recommended him for a job.  He has been an IT Trainer for 10 years, he does have a lot of experience, but he doesn't have much in the way of qualifications to prove on paper what he can do.  He did above and beyond his job role for many years.  So hopefully his knowledge and experience will come through. 

As usual I should be working.  I had a tutorial with my dissertation yesterday.  Basically my first draft of my first chapter is fine / good.  It just needs minor editing.  I can cope with minor editing!!  And she said she likes my writing style.  I just need to keep going with it, find some discipline and motivation to keep going with it.  I need to be writing 1000 words a week or more and I’m not.   Either I’m too tired or my head is too full of other stuff or everything else to concentrate. 

Anyway, to praying for Paul, then to lunch then hopefully to some focused dissertation studying!!  

Same old same old.

The story of my life, tired and grumpy and I want to go back to bed.  The thing is if I go back to bed there’s no guarantees I’ll get to sleep, which makes it a waste of time. 

I should be writing my dissertation, but struggling to get back into it in the last week or so.  I need to be writing about 1200 words a week to be done on time.  I only wrote 400 words last week plus doing some planning.  I thought about going to the library to work today, but Paul needed the car and I can’t be bothered to get the bus.  I may resort to library days to get more work done though. 

I slept from about 11 – 3 last night.  Then was awake or awake on and off from 3 – 4.30.  And slept from 4.30 – 6.30 ish.  Joel got up and took a while to go back to sleep, then I couldn’t get back to sleep. 

Paul has an interview on Wednesday, so prayers for that please.  I don’t like not being able to plan things!  Need to know if he’ll be off February half term or if I need to ask friends to have the children.  A lovely kind friend offered to pay our train fare for us to go and visit her yesterday.  J I reckon we’ve been friends for close to 20 years.  So looking forwards to that now. 

Well, think I’ll have lunch then try and get some work done.  

Scrooge is back!

Scrooge is back!  I have a strong dislike of Christmas.  I love Jesus, love Christmas in Church but could quite happily do away with the rest of it.  I’ve had enough of family who expect us to turn up for 2 weeks of the year and play happy families then don’t speak to us for the other 50 weeks of the year. 

What do I want for Christmas?  I want family, friends and university colleagues to build me up not knock me down.  I want to be encouraged not criticised.  I want to feel valued and appreciated not just expected to do things.  I want those that know about my illness (which is admittedly not that many) to ask me how I am.  I would like friends to send me texts sometimes and ask how I am or would I like to meet for coffee instead of feeling like I’m the one who does all the contacting and I’m the one who does all the arranging. 

My brother yesterday was telling me how to cook pizza and garlic bread.  I mean really, how does he think I live?!  The day before we got back from the pantomime and I fried the children some sausages and cooked them something to go with it.  My brother says, I’m cooking dinner.  I said it will take me 15 minutes to make the children some tea, it as already gone 6pm.  My brother took an hour to cook sausages, mash potato, caramelised red onion and red wine gravy and veg.  I mean really, what’s wrong with sausages, mash and beans?!  And he wonders why I quickly cooked the children’s! 

Mother has been at work so hasn’t been too bad or too critical.  But you know a bit of praise or a compliment occasionally wouldn’t go a miss.  My grandma was here on Sunday and I would think she’s probably coming for tea today.  She always says she admires me and compliments me on doing a uni course with children.  Although in her old age (96) she does ask me the same questions every time I see her. 

I’m a bit wary of writing this online.  But I’m fed up of protecting my family
(Paul, Joel and Esther) from my wider family.  I’m not broadcasting what on here, but close friends will know.  I’m fed up of watching what I say and deliberately not telling certain people certain things as I know I’ll never here the end of it if I do.  If my parents knew certain things about Joel they would be trying to pay private school fees for the children and saying the school they are in isn’t good enough.  The school they are in is great and give Joel above and beyond the support they have to give him. 

Going to Sheffield this evening and tomorrow.  At least that should be pleasant and relaxing.  Then we’re going to Bournemouth which is a different kind of stress.  Not the criticism and not god enough we get in York but a general indifference to our presence yet we are expected to turn up. 

I may add to this later, but I’m going to get some breakfast now.  Thanks for caring and reading.  

Still grumpy

I have no idea who actually reads this (besides Charby) so leave a comment and say hello!

Chronic fatigue, depression and trying to write essays are really not a good combination.  I had an unusually productive evening last night and wrote 500 words.  I paid for it this morning though, felt like crap, tired and ill and not done any work yet today.  I have 700 words still to do on Sociology then Mental Health to do.  All I want to do is go to bed, sleep and read a book.

So my cousin's wedding was a huge waste of my time and money.  I didn't even want to go.  I can do without the upper middle class bubble that the rest of my family live in.  In my opinion, my private school education was wasted on me.  Yes the wedding was nice, lovely hotel, expensive, pretty.  But who cared that I was there?  Who in my family am I friends with?  Who in my family sat down with me and said so how are you, what;s going on for you and cared about my reply?  None.  Lots of polite conversation, sat between 2 cousin's at the wedding breakfast, but all superficial polite conversation.  Nut my mother would have moaned no end if I hadn't gone, but they just wanted me to be there!  They didn't actually want to talk to me or spend time with me, just to have me around.  That's all my birthday money I spent on two outfits and sandals for the wedding.  I didn't spend anything while actually there because I refused to by any of my own drinks etc in a posh overpriced hotel when I didn't want to be there.  I would have paid for a taxi back from the wedding reception to the hotel where we were staying, but my Grandma gave me some money for it.  

Then we come to my mother buying my love and attention and a relationship with her grandchildren.  She's spending £13,000 on buying is a new kitchen, in her words if she looks after us now she's hoping we'll look after her when she's old.  She wants us to feel obliged to take care of her in her old age,  She also thinks by buying us something big and spending a lot of money on us I will feel obliged to spend time with her and ensure Joel and Esther get to spend time with them etc.  I wish I could have said no to her buying us a new kitchen, but how the heck do I say no to a £13,000 kitchen?!  You can not buy my time or affection.  I will do whatever the heck I want with my time and my children.  If I fall out with mother in the future, when we move house in a couple of years, we could afford to pay her back for the kitchen.  I've had enough of her trying to be subtly controlling and manipulative.  Why can she not show her love by actually caring about me, being friends with me and not being a gossip?  Half the reason I don't talk to her is because she's a gossip.

Anyway, lunch and work.  I will get some essay done today!

Grumpy again!

I'm grumpy again.  I finished my first essay early which was good and got it handed in on time.  I'm now 2000 words into the 2nd essay (Sociology) which is 3500 words and due in tomorrow, but that's not going to happen, I'm  taking my extension.  I need to get it handed in by next Tuesday though to give me two weeks to write the last one (Mental Health).  I've not made much progress on Sociology today and yesterday after a productive day on Monday.

I'm going to my cousin's wedding tomorrow which I don't want to go to.  My mother just text me saying have I bought my cousin and her fiance a wedding present.  I refrained from replying and saying no I haven't bought them a present and I have no intention of buying them a present.  My parents have given them £200 if not more as a wedding present, why should I buy them a present?  I don't even want to go to the wedding, I'm only going 'cos mother wants me to go and she's paying for the hotel, meals and the train fare.  I've spent all my birthday money on two new outfits for this wedding, what more does she want?!

She does not realise or appreciate that I have 2 second year degree level essays to write and two children to look after.  Joel's going on a school trip to Birmingham Sea Life centre on Friday and I could have gone, so missing that.  She does not realise that I have no interest in my cousin's (upper) middle class posh expensive wedding or the boring conversations of my (upper) middle class loaded family.  I'm quite happy in my working / lower middle class life thank you very much.  I don't need their money, grandeur, poshness or boringness.

My birthday week I ate 3 boxes of chocolates and birthday cake and puddings on meals out.  My weight has been creeping up over the last year from being ill and eating crap.  So I finally decided it was time to lose some and found some motivation and discipline to do it.  I lost 5lb last week I think.  I might lose 2 or 3lb this week, but will obviously be eating anything and everything the 3 days of this wedding.  I am going to lose the nearly a stone I've put on in the last year!

Any way, rant over.  I will do some work now.  I wrote 600 words on Monday and 300 words yesterday.  Need to get cracking.

Tired and grumpy!

The things I can’t post on Facebook… Tired and grumpy wishing the next 3 essays would write themselves.  That’s 3500 words, 3500 words and 2000 words.  L So far I’m 800 words into the first 3500.  In theory I have 2 weeks per essay and need to be writing at least 300-500 words per day.  If only it was that easy.  I am slightly helped by 3 lectures being cancelled though, giving me more time to work. 

I’m tired, really tired.  All I really want to do is go back to bed for a couple of hours.  But if you take out school runs, lunch time and a sleep from the 6 hours the children are in school, that doesn’t give me enough time to work.  So I am trying to plod on with the essay whilst tired and grumpy fuelled by caffeine, sugar and water (to add a healthy thing). 

Now I have that off my chest for a while I shall plod on and try and increase my 85 words I have written this morning to several hundred in the next 3 hours, and have lunch of course!  And I had all these vaguely healthy plans for lunch yesterday of having a brown bread sandwich, then what did I have a whole chocolate orange all to myself and that was lunch, woops!