Grumpy again!

I'm grumpy again.  I finished my first essay early which was good and got it handed in on time.  I'm now 2000 words into the 2nd essay (Sociology) which is 3500 words and due in tomorrow, but that's not going to happen, I'm  taking my extension.  I need to get it handed in by next Tuesday though to give me two weeks to write the last one (Mental Health).  I've not made much progress on Sociology today and yesterday after a productive day on Monday.

I'm going to my cousin's wedding tomorrow which I don't want to go to.  My mother just text me saying have I bought my cousin and her fiance a wedding present.  I refrained from replying and saying no I haven't bought them a present and I have no intention of buying them a present.  My parents have given them £200 if not more as a wedding present, why should I buy them a present?  I don't even want to go to the wedding, I'm only going 'cos mother wants me to go and she's paying for the hotel, meals and the train fare.  I've spent all my birthday money on two new outfits for this wedding, what more does she want?!

She does not realise or appreciate that I have 2 second year degree level essays to write and two children to look after.  Joel's going on a school trip to Birmingham Sea Life centre on Friday and I could have gone, so missing that.  She does not realise that I have no interest in my cousin's (upper) middle class posh expensive wedding or the boring conversations of my (upper) middle class loaded family.  I'm quite happy in my working / lower middle class life thank you very much.  I don't need their money, grandeur, poshness or boringness.

My birthday week I ate 3 boxes of chocolates and birthday cake and puddings on meals out.  My weight has been creeping up over the last year from being ill and eating crap.  So I finally decided it was time to lose some and found some motivation and discipline to do it.  I lost 5lb last week I think.  I might lose 2 or 3lb this week, but will obviously be eating anything and everything the 3 days of this wedding.  I am going to lose the nearly a stone I've put on in the last year!

Any way, rant over.  I will do some work now.  I wrote 600 words on Monday and 300 words yesterday.  Need to get cracking.

Tired and grumpy!

The things I can’t post on Facebook… Tired and grumpy wishing the next 3 essays would write themselves.  That’s 3500 words, 3500 words and 2000 words.  L So far I’m 800 words into the first 3500.  In theory I have 2 weeks per essay and need to be writing at least 300-500 words per day.  If only it was that easy.  I am slightly helped by 3 lectures being cancelled though, giving me more time to work. 

I’m tired, really tired.  All I really want to do is go back to bed for a couple of hours.  But if you take out school runs, lunch time and a sleep from the 6 hours the children are in school, that doesn’t give me enough time to work.  So I am trying to plod on with the essay whilst tired and grumpy fuelled by caffeine, sugar and water (to add a healthy thing). 

Now I have that off my chest for a while I shall plod on and try and increase my 85 words I have written this morning to several hundred in the next 3 hours, and have lunch of course!  And I had all these vaguely healthy plans for lunch yesterday of having a brown bread sandwich, then what did I have a whole chocolate orange all to myself and that was lunch, woops!  

I'm such a Scrooge!

I don’t like Christmas!  My ideal Christmas... Spending all Sundays around Christmas and Christmas Day in Church.  Spending Christmas day at home, feeding the children whatever they want for dinner (not trying to persuade them to eat a roast dinner that they point blank won’t eat or aren’t keen on), me and Paul having a roast chicken dinner.  Visiting the family for a few days in Bournemouth and a few days in York avoiding being away for any Sundays.  However this rarely if ever happens.  Some years we may miss one or two out of the 3, but this year it’ll be all 3.  Everyone getting a few presents of things they want or need. 

My actual Christmas... 20^th – 24^th in Bournemouth at Paul’s dads.  Going round visiting grandparents, aunties and uncles and Paul’s dad of course.  I wouldn’t bother but the grandparents (great grandparents to the children), aunties and uncles are so appreciative that we go and see them for an hour or so twice a year.  Paul’s dad would moan loudly if we didn’t go, yet we do go and his dad, step mum and older half siblings spend most of the time playing on phones, computer games etc and don’t actually talk to us.  Saturday it rained all day.  Sunday, Me, Paul, Paul’s half brother age 14 or 15 and half sister age 4 took the dog for a walk and took the younger ones to a little park round the corner.  We had a discussion as to whether we were having a roast dinner on Sunday or Monday and doing Christmas Presents.  We didn’t decide.  We went back the next day and said we were going to church on Sunday evening with Paul’s auntie, they we were moaned at because we were supposed to be having Christmas dinner on Sunday, when actually it wasn’t decided. 

Took us 6 hours to get home instead of 4 on Christmas Eve.  Took us 2 hours in a queue to drive through a flood.  There were lots of police and fire service there.  Eventually we were directed to drive through the shallowest bit then the wrong way round a roundabout and through another shallow bit.  Then the normal 4 hours to drive home after that.  Plus about 4 stops instead of the usual 1.  Joel was travel sick, Esther needed a wee, then another 2 stops to see what the warning lights on the dashboard meant, then a stop ‘cos I couldn’t work he children’s dvd player ‘cos I couldn’t see the buttons properly so Paul stopped to sort it, then a stop for tea as the children were hungry.  So the car, 3 orange warning lights came on, turbo stopped working, Paul said it was in “limp” mode, but it got us home. 

Paul then didn’t want to drive the car to York on Christmas Day.  I phoned mum and said we’ll come on Friday when we can get a train.  Mum says no you have to come, Dad can pick you up.  So then, instead of going to bed at 9pm on Christmas Eve, I had to repack 3 cases into two and decide what food and toys to take.  Dad wouldn’t pick us up at 11.15 after church, he wanted to come earlier.  So he turns up at 9.30am and we’re not allowed to go to church!  L The car is packed and we drive up to York.  Instead of going to church, feeding the children lunch that they will actually eat and driving to York.  My parents always have the neighbours round for drinks on Christmas day.  This has been happening for at least 20 years if not longer.  I used to like it and now tolerate it but Paul doesn’t like it ‘cos he doesn’t know anyone.  None of my friends came this year.  It was my friends siblings, my siblings friends and my parents friends, so I couldn’t really be bothered to be sociable. 

Mother actually didn’t moan at me for the children not eating Christmas dinner.  They had a sandwich at lunch time and dinner at tea time where as we had Christmas dinner about 3.  They had sandwiches for lunch and Esther had a sausage, mash potato, carrots and peas from the Christmas dinner for tea, that’s all of it that she likes.  Joel had sausages, bread and butter for tea.  I did offer to cook him waffles, but he wasn’t bothered. 

And then come the presents.  All good apart from my big brother.  My mum is buying me boots and clothes, so I didn’t have anything from her yet.  My little brother bought me thermal socks, which I asked for and will be great to wear with my wellies.  My older brother always buys either things we don’t want or need or things that are just totally inappropriate.  They bought me a top / dress that was a hundred and something pounds reduced to £30 or £35.  I know I shouldn’t be so ungrateful, but I don’t like it, wouldn’t wear it and am not interested in designer clothes.  I’d rather have 2 or 3 things from the same amount of money that I’ll wear everyday.  He bought Paul books, that he won’t read.  And he bought the children games that are several years too old for them and that they won’t play.  He never even text or emailed me to ask us if there’s anything we’d like for Christmas, he just buys us random useless things.  He has no concept of the value of money, or that we’d rather have things we want or need than random stuff.  I realised my mistake though in that I forgot to email him links to our Amazon wish lists.  Fair enough if he doesn’t like Amazon he could take an idea from their and buy it somewhere else. 

Thankfully just about everyone else has taken note of things we’d like, want or need.  I’ve had a dvd and book from Paul’s dad and step mum.  PJ’s and chocolate from Paul’s mum.  A text book from Paul’s brother and his wife.  A muffin tin, coffee and a coffee cup from a good friend.  My older brother just annoys me intensely as he does it every year and it just strikes me as a waste of money. 

I have a strong dislike for Christmas shopping as well.  I would quite happily give everyone money or vouchers.  Nearly all the shopping this year has been done on Amazon or in Asda.  I’ve been into town once and that was only to pick up something I ordered online.  In my book, if you don’t tell me what you want you don’t get a present.  I don’t do random presents.  My older brother and his girlfriends didn’t give me any ideas as to what they wanted, despite me asking them two or three times via text or email and I was very tempted to buy them nothing at all.  Mother said I could buy him work t-shirts, it was £10 I wasn’t buying him 2!!  And  bought his girlfriend a cardigan.  Both from Asda.  I find it amusing that my family would never go to Asda to buy clothes, but when I buy them clothes in Asda they wear them. 

Christmas is about celebrating Jesus, his birthday and everything he’s done for us, with a bit of food and a few presents on the side.  I don’t like Christmas being all about food and presents with Jesus pushed out and not going to / missing church.  And that’s why I don’t like Christmas!  I’m such a scrooge!  

Not sure what to call this. Healed?!

So since I just tried and failed to come to Revive (mid week service at church), I now have time to write this, which I’ve been meaning to do all week.  Something went wrong with the car (my dad’s car he’s let us borrow for a few months) as I turned into the church (Friary) car park.  The AA wouldn’t come out to me as it’s in Paul’s name so he came down in the other car with the kids so I could take the kids home and he could wait for the AA in the broken car.  Annoying but no big deal.  Just annoyed that I missed Revive. 

Around Christmas and January I had two throat infections, a flu type bug (not full blown flu) and a chest infection and since then have been permanently really tired.  To begin with I put it down to the children sleeping badly / not staying their bed all night (a very / too regular occurrence and yes we’ve tried everything!)  Thought I was really over tired from broken sleep.  But then the children went through a phase of sleeping better and I didn’t feel any better so thought there might be something wrong. 

Lots of blood tests later (including diabetes, thyroid function, glandular fever and others) they all came back negative.  I was coming to the conclusion that I might have developed chronic fatigue syndrome.  The GP had said it’s more likely to be post viral fatigue syndrome but they are essentially the same thing.  For me I just wanted a label that said I’m ill not lazy, ‘cos I felt lazy ‘cos I couldn’t do things I felt I should be able to do.  I had been going from feeling really over tired to tired to the point of feeling ill with it all the time.  I couldn’t remember what “normal / average” levels of tiredness were like. 

So anyway people prayed for me last Tuesday.  I was cautious at first, I thought I was feeling better and not ridiculously over tired.  As the week has gone on I have felt better and not ill.  I had two long days at placement and 2 evenings out and I didn’t feel ill.  So praise God, I now know what normal / average levels of tiredness feel like again!  My days are long and busy, but I feel tired from a busy day and evening not really over tired / ill all day which is how I’ve been feeling for about 3 months.  I’m definitely so much better than I was a week ago.    

Another (silly) way of looking at things is you can tell how I am by what I drink.  Lucozade – I’m ill.  Coke – I’m really tired / over tired.  Diet coke / tea I’m ok / a bit tired.  I’ve drunk a lot less coke in the last week! 

I know I waffle a lot and don’t explain myself very well.  But I hope that makes sense. 

  

God stuff.

So, I have this sort of mentor person at church, and I appreciate her giving up her time to have a cup of tea and chat with me, it’s just that we’re not close and not particularly good friends.  So we talk about everyday stuff but when she asks what’s do I feel God’s saying to me at the moment, what have I been reading or what am I struggling with, I don’t really want to / feel able to share these things with her, which kind of defeats the point of having a “m3ntor” typed person!! 

I’ve been reading the Confident Woman Devotional by Joyce Meyer for over a year.  It’s supposed to be daily readings for a year, but it’s more likely to take me closer to eighteen months to read it all.  I tend to read the day’s page, write a couple of notes and a short prayer and then summarise into one key point!  If anyone is also reading this book at the moment, I think one friend is, I’m currently reading in the middle of July!  Some (most) days I won’t read at all.  Other days I’ll read 1, 2, 3, or occasionally 4 days worth. 

So recent summary points…

Ø     God can / will heal my spirit, emotions, mind, will and personality. 

Ø     God blesses me and is changing me to become more like Him. 

Ø     God doesn’t look at my past, he plans for my future. 

Ø     I need to think positively, walk with confidence and expect good things. 

Ø     Jesus is my protection against spiritual warfare. 

Ø     I need to let go of the past, God’s mercy and faith are endless to me.  I need to be faithful to God in return. 

Ø     God will mould and remould me into the person He has called me to be. 

Ø     I need to step out in faith and try new things.  God works through faith not fear. 

Ø     God gives me strength everyday to take action and receive blessings, not to waste time worrying. 

Ø     God gives me the power to be a witness for Him through His Holy Spirit. 

Ø     God wanted men and women to be equal.  I need to use my gifts to bless others. 

Ø     I need to take responsibility for my own actions, only me and God can change me. 

Ø     I need to confront my fears and Satan’s lies and expose the truth. 

Ø     Be honest about my relationships.  Jesus called us to love everyone, not to like everyone. 

Ø     Don’t look at the “what if’s” and “if only’s”.  Move forward in God’s power and be confident. 

Ø     I am God’s creation, unique and God’s plan.  Don’t compare myself to others. 

Ø     What fears involving others do I need to face?  I need the courage to take a stand and deal with it. 

Ø     I should face my fears and just do it, even if I’m afraid whilst doing it. 

Ø     Positive thinking can change reality.  Thinking positively is thinking from God’s perspective. 

Ø     I need to pray for my husband, that he will seek God regularly and lead his family.  I need to look for and practive the truth and God’s way.  

So there you go, my life in daily (but not really daily) readings.  

Enough or not enough?

Should I be happy that I have a husband with a full time job that he sticks at even though he’s bored and a bit fed up?  A job that pays the mortgage, all the bills and for a car?  A husband that is willing to babysit, and put the kids to bed.  Or am I allowed to moan that he doesn’t do the dishwasher everyday and he doesn’t often to anything else to help around the house without being asked to.  He does the washing occasionally / some of the time, mainly if I’m really tired or really busy and the basket is over flowing he might so some.  Should I be happy with what he does do or am I justified in moaning about what he doesn’t do? 

So it’s mother’s day.  Does he get me a card, flowers, chocolate?  Nope, nothing.  Joel gives me a card and a cone with a couple of chocolates in that he made at the childminder’s and a card he made at school.  Esther missed 3 days nursery this week and she’s not been to the childminder’s either so she’s not made me a card.  Because Joel had made stuff Paul didn’t feel the need to buy me anything.  Yeah, thanks a lot, nice to be appreciated.  And I got a bar of chocolate from church as well.  I bought myself a chocolate Orange and I was going to buy some flowers, but Tesco didn’t have any left.  So, should I appreciate what Paul does or moan about what he doesn’t do?!  

The Dentist.

I feel like an idiot.  Went to the dentist and cried lots.  I can’t bare anything poking around in my mouth.  It’s not that it hurts, I just hate the sensation of it.  I can’t keep my eyes open as my eyes are too sensitive to the lights.  I can’t cope with it, I’m scared, fearful, it’s irrational.  The dentist asks me questions like have I had bad experiences in the past, am I ok, would I like a break.  I can’t speak to her ‘cos I’m too busy crying or too busy trying not to cry and thinking just get it over with, don’t talk to me. 

I can’t answer her questions while I’m trying to hold myself together.  I just feel stupid.  I had a good friend offer to come with me, which I appreciate, but it wouldn’t make it any easier, make me any less anxious or make me cry any less.  The only use it might be is if I wrote down the answers to probably questions so she could speak for me. 

She tells me things like you need to brush more often you needs fillings. You need two teeth out I’ll refer you to a specialist.  You’re quite anxious, I’ll suggest sedation to the specialist.  The teeth she says I need out, I though could be filled.  Yes I know my teeth are trashed.  Yes I know it’s my fault.  Comes from having an eating disorder as a teenager and not thinking you’re worth looking after.  Then having post natal depression after having Esther.  And also sleep deprivation doesn’t do anything for my motivation for doing self-care things. 

I wrote to the dentist, and explained my history.  The one I saw a few weeks ago for an introduction to the practice appointment had received it and read it.  The one I saw today obviously hadn’t taken it out of my notes and read it.  Might write her a letter, attach my first one and also state the above. 

I’m trying to be pro-active and do something about my trashed teeth.  Took me months to get up the courage to make an appointment and register with a dentist.  Now trying to find the courage to go back again 4 weeks.  Hate this.