That same old Story.

So 4 posts in an evening.  Two of them I’ve had half written for ages.  This post I’m hoping is specific enough to get my point across but vague enough as to not be slagging off or bitching about specific people. 

So that same old story that I've mentioned before (in post from 5th December) but haven't yet expanded on.  I'm fed up of church in a way.  Fed up of not being good enough to talk to by the “in” / “popular” crowd. I’m fed up of feeling like because I don’t wear the right clothes, wear make-up, straighten my hair and generally be girly that I’m not good enough to talk to.  And I totally realise that this is probably a reflection of how I feel and see things rather than how things actually are.  But I know at least a few other people who generally agree with me about people being clicky / cliquey.    

But at the same time I don’t want people to talk to me because they’ve been told to or because they feel sorry for me, that happened to me at school. I want people to talk to me and be friends with me because they want to and because they like me. Church at the minute is just as bad as school was and I’m fed up of it. Yes I know this is probably more a reflection of how I feel than what is actually true. And I hate fake hi how are you conversations when people aren’t really interested. But I don’t know what to do / how to change things. 

And now Joel’s peers / the children the same age as him are starting to get older and more aware, I’m sure they’re starting not to play with him / include him, well at church anyway. And I hate it when people talk down to him he’s 4 now. He seems to play well with the children at JJ’s, but I guess most of them are a year younger than him. 

One friend at church does a condescending I should look out for people and make time for them, but makes it obvious that she’s spending time with you because she ought to not because she wants to. And she’s joined the popular Hilton / Mickleover crowd anyway. 

I think I may have put this in a previous post, but I can’t be bothered to go back and check.  We found out recently that Paul’s dad gets more in benefits that Paul earns. That’s a third more than what Paul earns that they get with no rent / mortgage or council tax to pay. The system sucks. When we go and stay we give them the money we would have spent on food if we were at home. Then Paul’s dad and his Paul’s half brother have put things costing £40 on their Christmas lists. I mean as if. We aimed to spend £10 - £15 per person, well I aimed for £10 per person. I’ve given up childminding and I didn't work October half term cos Amy didn’t need me, so I don’t have much money to spend on Christmas presents, grrrr family.