Same old same old.

The story of my life, tired and grumpy and I want to go back to bed.  The thing is if I go back to bed there’s no guarantees I’ll get to sleep, which makes it a waste of time. 

I should be writing my dissertation, but struggling to get back into it in the last week or so.  I need to be writing about 1200 words a week to be done on time.  I only wrote 400 words last week plus doing some planning.  I thought about going to the library to work today, but Paul needed the car and I can’t be bothered to get the bus.  I may resort to library days to get more work done though. 

I slept from about 11 – 3 last night.  Then was awake or awake on and off from 3 – 4.30.  And slept from 4.30 – 6.30 ish.  Joel got up and took a while to go back to sleep, then I couldn’t get back to sleep. 

Paul has an interview on Wednesday, so prayers for that please.  I don’t like not being able to plan things!  Need to know if he’ll be off February half term or if I need to ask friends to have the children.  A lovely kind friend offered to pay our train fare for us to go and visit her yesterday.  J I reckon we’ve been friends for close to 20 years.  So looking forwards to that now. 

Well, think I’ll have lunch then try and get some work done.  

Scrooge is back!

Scrooge is back!  I have a strong dislike of Christmas.  I love Jesus, love Christmas in Church but could quite happily do away with the rest of it.  I’ve had enough of family who expect us to turn up for 2 weeks of the year and play happy families then don’t speak to us for the other 50 weeks of the year. 

What do I want for Christmas?  I want family, friends and university colleagues to build me up not knock me down.  I want to be encouraged not criticised.  I want to feel valued and appreciated not just expected to do things.  I want those that know about my illness (which is admittedly not that many) to ask me how I am.  I would like friends to send me texts sometimes and ask how I am or would I like to meet for coffee instead of feeling like I’m the one who does all the contacting and I’m the one who does all the arranging. 

My brother yesterday was telling me how to cook pizza and garlic bread.  I mean really, how does he think I live?!  The day before we got back from the pantomime and I fried the children some sausages and cooked them something to go with it.  My brother says, I’m cooking dinner.  I said it will take me 15 minutes to make the children some tea, it as already gone 6pm.  My brother took an hour to cook sausages, mash potato, caramelised red onion and red wine gravy and veg.  I mean really, what’s wrong with sausages, mash and beans?!  And he wonders why I quickly cooked the children’s! 

Mother has been at work so hasn’t been too bad or too critical.  But you know a bit of praise or a compliment occasionally wouldn’t go a miss.  My grandma was here on Sunday and I would think she’s probably coming for tea today.  She always says she admires me and compliments me on doing a uni course with children.  Although in her old age (96) she does ask me the same questions every time I see her. 

I’m a bit wary of writing this online.  But I’m fed up of protecting my family
(Paul, Joel and Esther) from my wider family.  I’m not broadcasting what on here, but close friends will know.  I’m fed up of watching what I say and deliberately not telling certain people certain things as I know I’ll never here the end of it if I do.  If my parents knew certain things about Joel they would be trying to pay private school fees for the children and saying the school they are in isn’t good enough.  The school they are in is great and give Joel above and beyond the support they have to give him. 

Going to Sheffield this evening and tomorrow.  At least that should be pleasant and relaxing.  Then we’re going to Bournemouth which is a different kind of stress.  Not the criticism and not god enough we get in York but a general indifference to our presence yet we are expected to turn up. 

I may add to this later, but I’m going to get some breakfast now.  Thanks for caring and reading.  

Still grumpy

I have no idea who actually reads this (besides Charby) so leave a comment and say hello!

Chronic fatigue, depression and trying to write essays are really not a good combination.  I had an unusually productive evening last night and wrote 500 words.  I paid for it this morning though, felt like crap, tired and ill and not done any work yet today.  I have 700 words still to do on Sociology then Mental Health to do.  All I want to do is go to bed, sleep and read a book.

So my cousin's wedding was a huge waste of my time and money.  I didn't even want to go.  I can do without the upper middle class bubble that the rest of my family live in.  In my opinion, my private school education was wasted on me.  Yes the wedding was nice, lovely hotel, expensive, pretty.  But who cared that I was there?  Who in my family am I friends with?  Who in my family sat down with me and said so how are you, what;s going on for you and cared about my reply?  None.  Lots of polite conversation, sat between 2 cousin's at the wedding breakfast, but all superficial polite conversation.  Nut my mother would have moaned no end if I hadn't gone, but they just wanted me to be there!  They didn't actually want to talk to me or spend time with me, just to have me around.  That's all my birthday money I spent on two outfits and sandals for the wedding.  I didn't spend anything while actually there because I refused to by any of my own drinks etc in a posh overpriced hotel when I didn't want to be there.  I would have paid for a taxi back from the wedding reception to the hotel where we were staying, but my Grandma gave me some money for it.  

Then we come to my mother buying my love and attention and a relationship with her grandchildren.  She's spending £13,000 on buying is a new kitchen, in her words if she looks after us now she's hoping we'll look after her when she's old.  She wants us to feel obliged to take care of her in her old age,  She also thinks by buying us something big and spending a lot of money on us I will feel obliged to spend time with her and ensure Joel and Esther get to spend time with them etc.  I wish I could have said no to her buying us a new kitchen, but how the heck do I say no to a £13,000 kitchen?!  You can not buy my time or affection.  I will do whatever the heck I want with my time and my children.  If I fall out with mother in the future, when we move house in a couple of years, we could afford to pay her back for the kitchen.  I've had enough of her trying to be subtly controlling and manipulative.  Why can she not show her love by actually caring about me, being friends with me and not being a gossip?  Half the reason I don't talk to her is because she's a gossip.

Anyway, lunch and work.  I will get some essay done today!

Grumpy again!

I'm grumpy again.  I finished my first essay early which was good and got it handed in on time.  I'm now 2000 words into the 2nd essay (Sociology) which is 3500 words and due in tomorrow, but that's not going to happen, I'm  taking my extension.  I need to get it handed in by next Tuesday though to give me two weeks to write the last one (Mental Health).  I've not made much progress on Sociology today and yesterday after a productive day on Monday.

I'm going to my cousin's wedding tomorrow which I don't want to go to.  My mother just text me saying have I bought my cousin and her fiance a wedding present.  I refrained from replying and saying no I haven't bought them a present and I have no intention of buying them a present.  My parents have given them £200 if not more as a wedding present, why should I buy them a present?  I don't even want to go to the wedding, I'm only going 'cos mother wants me to go and she's paying for the hotel, meals and the train fare.  I've spent all my birthday money on two new outfits for this wedding, what more does she want?!

She does not realise or appreciate that I have 2 second year degree level essays to write and two children to look after.  Joel's going on a school trip to Birmingham Sea Life centre on Friday and I could have gone, so missing that.  She does not realise that I have no interest in my cousin's (upper) middle class posh expensive wedding or the boring conversations of my (upper) middle class loaded family.  I'm quite happy in my working / lower middle class life thank you very much.  I don't need their money, grandeur, poshness or boringness.

My birthday week I ate 3 boxes of chocolates and birthday cake and puddings on meals out.  My weight has been creeping up over the last year from being ill and eating crap.  So I finally decided it was time to lose some and found some motivation and discipline to do it.  I lost 5lb last week I think.  I might lose 2 or 3lb this week, but will obviously be eating anything and everything the 3 days of this wedding.  I am going to lose the nearly a stone I've put on in the last year!

Any way, rant over.  I will do some work now.  I wrote 600 words on Monday and 300 words yesterday.  Need to get cracking.

Tired and grumpy!

The things I can’t post on Facebook… Tired and grumpy wishing the next 3 essays would write themselves.  That’s 3500 words, 3500 words and 2000 words.  L So far I’m 800 words into the first 3500.  In theory I have 2 weeks per essay and need to be writing at least 300-500 words per day.  If only it was that easy.  I am slightly helped by 3 lectures being cancelled though, giving me more time to work. 

I’m tired, really tired.  All I really want to do is go back to bed for a couple of hours.  But if you take out school runs, lunch time and a sleep from the 6 hours the children are in school, that doesn’t give me enough time to work.  So I am trying to plod on with the essay whilst tired and grumpy fuelled by caffeine, sugar and water (to add a healthy thing). 

Now I have that off my chest for a while I shall plod on and try and increase my 85 words I have written this morning to several hundred in the next 3 hours, and have lunch of course!  And I had all these vaguely healthy plans for lunch yesterday of having a brown bread sandwich, then what did I have a whole chocolate orange all to myself and that was lunch, woops!  

I'm such a Scrooge!

I don’t like Christmas!  My ideal Christmas... Spending all Sundays around Christmas and Christmas Day in Church.  Spending Christmas day at home, feeding the children whatever they want for dinner (not trying to persuade them to eat a roast dinner that they point blank won’t eat or aren’t keen on), me and Paul having a roast chicken dinner.  Visiting the family for a few days in Bournemouth and a few days in York avoiding being away for any Sundays.  However this rarely if ever happens.  Some years we may miss one or two out of the 3, but this year it’ll be all 3.  Everyone getting a few presents of things they want or need. 

My actual Christmas... 20^th – 24^th in Bournemouth at Paul’s dads.  Going round visiting grandparents, aunties and uncles and Paul’s dad of course.  I wouldn’t bother but the grandparents (great grandparents to the children), aunties and uncles are so appreciative that we go and see them for an hour or so twice a year.  Paul’s dad would moan loudly if we didn’t go, yet we do go and his dad, step mum and older half siblings spend most of the time playing on phones, computer games etc and don’t actually talk to us.  Saturday it rained all day.  Sunday, Me, Paul, Paul’s half brother age 14 or 15 and half sister age 4 took the dog for a walk and took the younger ones to a little park round the corner.  We had a discussion as to whether we were having a roast dinner on Sunday or Monday and doing Christmas Presents.  We didn’t decide.  We went back the next day and said we were going to church on Sunday evening with Paul’s auntie, they we were moaned at because we were supposed to be having Christmas dinner on Sunday, when actually it wasn’t decided. 

Took us 6 hours to get home instead of 4 on Christmas Eve.  Took us 2 hours in a queue to drive through a flood.  There were lots of police and fire service there.  Eventually we were directed to drive through the shallowest bit then the wrong way round a roundabout and through another shallow bit.  Then the normal 4 hours to drive home after that.  Plus about 4 stops instead of the usual 1.  Joel was travel sick, Esther needed a wee, then another 2 stops to see what the warning lights on the dashboard meant, then a stop ‘cos I couldn’t work he children’s dvd player ‘cos I couldn’t see the buttons properly so Paul stopped to sort it, then a stop for tea as the children were hungry.  So the car, 3 orange warning lights came on, turbo stopped working, Paul said it was in “limp” mode, but it got us home. 

Paul then didn’t want to drive the car to York on Christmas Day.  I phoned mum and said we’ll come on Friday when we can get a train.  Mum says no you have to come, Dad can pick you up.  So then, instead of going to bed at 9pm on Christmas Eve, I had to repack 3 cases into two and decide what food and toys to take.  Dad wouldn’t pick us up at 11.15 after church, he wanted to come earlier.  So he turns up at 9.30am and we’re not allowed to go to church!  L The car is packed and we drive up to York.  Instead of going to church, feeding the children lunch that they will actually eat and driving to York.  My parents always have the neighbours round for drinks on Christmas day.  This has been happening for at least 20 years if not longer.  I used to like it and now tolerate it but Paul doesn’t like it ‘cos he doesn’t know anyone.  None of my friends came this year.  It was my friends siblings, my siblings friends and my parents friends, so I couldn’t really be bothered to be sociable. 

Mother actually didn’t moan at me for the children not eating Christmas dinner.  They had a sandwich at lunch time and dinner at tea time where as we had Christmas dinner about 3.  They had sandwiches for lunch and Esther had a sausage, mash potato, carrots and peas from the Christmas dinner for tea, that’s all of it that she likes.  Joel had sausages, bread and butter for tea.  I did offer to cook him waffles, but he wasn’t bothered. 

And then come the presents.  All good apart from my big brother.  My mum is buying me boots and clothes, so I didn’t have anything from her yet.  My little brother bought me thermal socks, which I asked for and will be great to wear with my wellies.  My older brother always buys either things we don’t want or need or things that are just totally inappropriate.  They bought me a top / dress that was a hundred and something pounds reduced to £30 or £35.  I know I shouldn’t be so ungrateful, but I don’t like it, wouldn’t wear it and am not interested in designer clothes.  I’d rather have 2 or 3 things from the same amount of money that I’ll wear everyday.  He bought Paul books, that he won’t read.  And he bought the children games that are several years too old for them and that they won’t play.  He never even text or emailed me to ask us if there’s anything we’d like for Christmas, he just buys us random useless things.  He has no concept of the value of money, or that we’d rather have things we want or need than random stuff.  I realised my mistake though in that I forgot to email him links to our Amazon wish lists.  Fair enough if he doesn’t like Amazon he could take an idea from their and buy it somewhere else. 

Thankfully just about everyone else has taken note of things we’d like, want or need.  I’ve had a dvd and book from Paul’s dad and step mum.  PJ’s and chocolate from Paul’s mum.  A text book from Paul’s brother and his wife.  A muffin tin, coffee and a coffee cup from a good friend.  My older brother just annoys me intensely as he does it every year and it just strikes me as a waste of money. 

I have a strong dislike for Christmas shopping as well.  I would quite happily give everyone money or vouchers.  Nearly all the shopping this year has been done on Amazon or in Asda.  I’ve been into town once and that was only to pick up something I ordered online.  In my book, if you don’t tell me what you want you don’t get a present.  I don’t do random presents.  My older brother and his girlfriends didn’t give me any ideas as to what they wanted, despite me asking them two or three times via text or email and I was very tempted to buy them nothing at all.  Mother said I could buy him work t-shirts, it was £10 I wasn’t buying him 2!!  And  bought his girlfriend a cardigan.  Both from Asda.  I find it amusing that my family would never go to Asda to buy clothes, but when I buy them clothes in Asda they wear them. 

Christmas is about celebrating Jesus, his birthday and everything he’s done for us, with a bit of food and a few presents on the side.  I don’t like Christmas being all about food and presents with Jesus pushed out and not going to / missing church.  And that’s why I don’t like Christmas!  I’m such a scrooge!  

Not sure what to call this. Healed?!

So since I just tried and failed to come to Revive (mid week service at church), I now have time to write this, which I’ve been meaning to do all week.  Something went wrong with the car (my dad’s car he’s let us borrow for a few months) as I turned into the church (Friary) car park.  The AA wouldn’t come out to me as it’s in Paul’s name so he came down in the other car with the kids so I could take the kids home and he could wait for the AA in the broken car.  Annoying but no big deal.  Just annoyed that I missed Revive. 

Around Christmas and January I had two throat infections, a flu type bug (not full blown flu) and a chest infection and since then have been permanently really tired.  To begin with I put it down to the children sleeping badly / not staying their bed all night (a very / too regular occurrence and yes we’ve tried everything!)  Thought I was really over tired from broken sleep.  But then the children went through a phase of sleeping better and I didn’t feel any better so thought there might be something wrong. 

Lots of blood tests later (including diabetes, thyroid function, glandular fever and others) they all came back negative.  I was coming to the conclusion that I might have developed chronic fatigue syndrome.  The GP had said it’s more likely to be post viral fatigue syndrome but they are essentially the same thing.  For me I just wanted a label that said I’m ill not lazy, ‘cos I felt lazy ‘cos I couldn’t do things I felt I should be able to do.  I had been going from feeling really over tired to tired to the point of feeling ill with it all the time.  I couldn’t remember what “normal / average” levels of tiredness were like. 

So anyway people prayed for me last Tuesday.  I was cautious at first, I thought I was feeling better and not ridiculously over tired.  As the week has gone on I have felt better and not ill.  I had two long days at placement and 2 evenings out and I didn’t feel ill.  So praise God, I now know what normal / average levels of tiredness feel like again!  My days are long and busy, but I feel tired from a busy day and evening not really over tired / ill all day which is how I’ve been feeling for about 3 months.  I’m definitely so much better than I was a week ago.    

Another (silly) way of looking at things is you can tell how I am by what I drink.  Lucozade – I’m ill.  Coke – I’m really tired / over tired.  Diet coke / tea I’m ok / a bit tired.  I’ve drunk a lot less coke in the last week! 

I know I waffle a lot and don’t explain myself very well.  But I hope that makes sense.