My bah, humbug post!

I dislike a lot of things about Christmas.  I hate the commercialisation of Christmas.  I dislike trekking to my parents at Christmas.  I don’t mind going to the in-laws though, that involves less stress.  I hate Christmas shopping but don’t begrudge spending money on people, I’d quite happily give all the family cash for Christmas.  As a result of this, most of our Christmas presents have been bought on Amazon. 

However, I love the real Christmas.  I love Christmas in church, love the bits of Christmas that are all about Jesus.  If we must trek around all the family at Christmas I prefer to do this without missing anything at church.  We can’t even do that this year.  We’re going to the panto in York on Friday 21^st.  Then coming home on Christmas Eve.  The problem is the Christmas play at church and the carol service are on the 23^rd.  L We can’t come home on Saturday evening as my older brother isn’t going to my parents until Sunday.  So one of the few things I love about Christmas and I have to miss it.  And the carol service at the church I grew up in, in York is on the 16^th, so I can’t even go to that. 

Can I cope with 3 days in my parents’ house without falling out with my mother, that remains to be seen.  Oh well that’s the end of my Christmas rant.  

Ranting

Yes I’m grumpy, yes I’m annoyed so yes I write a blog post.  Someone really annoyed and upset me at uni today. 

At uni I was talking about a friend who is a single mum, has two children in care, a 6 year old and a 10 day old.  She was abused as a child, had her first child at 14 or 15.  She has lived with her mum who has brought her kids up until they went into care and until 4 or so years ago when she moved out with the now 6 year old.  She was on drugs for a number of years but has now been clean and on methadone for 7 years.  She has a mild learning disability.  The 6 year old has behavioural problems.  The 6 year old is approx. to years behind at school possibly due to neglect, a learning disability and behavioural problems. 

She wanted a baby, so she slept with at least 2 guys (possibly one night stands or possibly very short relationships) to get pregnant.  She chose to bring a child into this world when she knew she would be on her own.  Now she is complaining that she has no help. 

What I was trying to say at uni is that my friend lacks parenting capacity and skills and is unwilling to go anywhere to learn them.  So she is struggling with a 6yr old and a 10 day old. With her background as listed above the life prospects of the youngest two aren’t great.  I have said before she is unlikely to cope. 

But apparently I am being arrogant, judgemental and oppressive.  And how can I think of practicing as a social worker when I live in a middle class bubble and have these attitudes.  She really upset me.  I merely think I was being realistic.  However I don’t / didn’t explain myself very well and I am rubbish at defending myself when put on the spot. 

The uni person said she buried her first child at 14, she is a product of the care system.  She now has a husband and 3 well educated children in good schools and is doing a degree.  She’s in her early 30s I think.  And because she did all these things I am being oppressive towards my friends by saying that she can’t.  I think I am realistic if you look at my friend’s life history and background she has had few opportunities and no education etc.  I don’t think I’m being judgemental. 

This has really upset me and annoyed me hence ranting about it.  

Teenage blog!

So, as a teenager I wrote a diary for 8 years regularly and odd bits thereafter.  From 1996 (age 14) to 2004 (age 22) I’ve thought about writing a book, but wondered if it would be worth reading!  I’ve also been thinking about writing a blog of my teenage years and bits of my diary.  Might get round to starting it this evening, lol.  Only been thinking about it for months / years!!  So here’s the link anyway… 

http://diaryofadisorderedeatingteenager.blogspot.co.uk/

Who's looking after me?

I feel lonely at the moment, which is silly when I have lots of family and friends.  Paul spends too much time on his computer as usual and not enough time with me.  I feel I have been supporting some of my friends a lot lately but feel a bit like, who’s supporting me?! 

At some times in my life I’ve had really close girl friends and loved it.  Sadly one of these lives nearly 200 miles away.  And we don’t talk as much as we should.  Another of these lives just over 100 miles away.  Another of these I fell out with just over 5 years ago, a long story and it was mostly not my fault. 

I’ve have good friends in Derby.  But we have busy lives and don’t spend as much time together as we would like to and also one or two have their own stresses and problems at the moment. 

I’m torn between I’m better and stronger than I think I am (prayed and prophesied over me a few months ago) and I’m ill and more ill than I think I am.  The question is, if I consider myself as “ill” am I going to or am I prepared to do anything about it, and the answer is no.  So I may as well focus on the positives not the negatives. 

There are certain traits of ED behaviours, thoughts and mind sets that I have never been able to get rid of or leave behind.  Since the big argument with Mother, maybe 3 months ago these thoughts have been surfacing again.  However you have to believe me when I say this has nothing to do with working (voluntarily) for Fsd.  My involvement has given me a greater vocabulary to describe the things I do and a greater understanding of why I think certain things but I think it is no way triggering. 

The behaviours and thoughts I never got rid of… Feeling self-conscious, having low-self-esteem (despite outwardly being a confident person).  Feeling like I never fit in, I’m not “cool” enough, I don’t wear the right / fashionable clothes, I’ll never be good enough or fit in with the “in” crowd whatever setting that may be in. 

From being about 19 to 24 or 25 I would say I ate normally and had no issues with food.  When Joel was a few months old I did weight watchers by myself (I bought the books on ebay) and los a stone of the stone and a half I put on while I was pregnant.  After I’d had Esther I’d put a stone on again.  When Esther was about 3 months old to about 15 / 16 months old I had PND.  During which time the thoughts in the above paragraph were strong and looking back I think I over ate / binged / comfort ate. 

When Esther had just turned 2 I finally found some motivation and energy to diet sensibly.  I did Weight Watchers online this time.  I’ve never been to a Weight Watchers meeting and I won’t go.  The whole idea of getting weighed in front of people and going to a meeting to talk about diet and food is just a big NO, I won’t do it!  So over about 6 months I lost just over a stone and went down to about 10st 4lb from about 11st 6lbs.  I did this sensibly through a healthy diet and exercise. 

I was unhappy about the amount of rubbish and food I ate over Christmas but I didn’t have the energy or motivation to do anything about it.  It wasn’t until this big argument with mother that I lost any more weight, that was the beginning of March.  Mum inadvertently brought up the past and lots of thoughts, feeling and situations from when I had an ED.  I was feeling down and lazy.  So accidentally or through laziness did that Kellogg’s diet for a week or so.  That’s where you  have cereal for 2 meals and a normal meal for one meal.  I lost 3lbs in a week just because I was being lazy and eating cereal for 2 meals.  In the last 3 months or so I’ve only lost about 3lbs.  But I’m happily back into a size 12.  I’m being quite lazy with lunch over the last month or two though.  Having low fat / low calorie snacks instead of lunch because I’ve gone off bread and I can’t be bothered to make anything.  I often still tend to go for low fat / low calorie options when buying food.  Apart from nice / naughty foods like cake or ice cream.   Occasionally I will binge on these then feel bad for it and maybe compensate by missing a meal. 

However, this is just me, where I’m at right now.  I eat what I like, when I like.  This is pretty much always 2 meals a day.  My third meal will often be snacks and not really a meal but this is ok.  I don’t consider my eating to be disordered, I think I’m just being lazy about making meals. 

Then I can’t decide if my general lack of enthusiasm for most things is due to lack of sleep or due to perhaps mild lingering / returning depression.  If I do label it that, I think am I going to do anything about it?  No I’m not going to the doctors, I don’t want medication and I might consider counselling, but it would have to be with a Christian counsellor. 

The children have been sleeping badly and rarely sleeping through the night for about / at least 6 months.  I mostly think this is the reason for my general flatness / lack of enthusiasm for things.  Then sometimes I think maybe there’s more to it than that.  But that goes back to going between thinking I’m better and stronger than I think I am and maybe I’m more ill than I think I am. 

I don’t know what I’m saying really, I’m just rambling, writing my thoughts down.  I need to make a conscious effort to pick myself up and take myself out of this rut, but I need some energy and motivation do that, which I currently don’t have.  To pick myself up, I need to do things for me.  Go to bed earlier, wash my hair more often, read more / at least 20 minutes a day.  I need to make more time for me, instead of sitting on the laptop all evening most evenings as it doesn’t require effort and doing things to take care of me do require effort! 

I know all the theory.  Eat 3 (healthy) meals and have more energy etc.  But healthy meals require effort to prepare and cook.  And snacks you can just pick up and eat.  Anyway I should either sort the washing out or go to bed.  So I’ll stop posting my random writings. 

Do leave a comment or a hello or send me a facebook message if you read this as I do wonder who actually reads this.  Thanks.  

:-(

Just heard that a friend, her daughter and the family are going through a terrible time right now.  I can't explain.  But anyone who reads this pleas pray for my friend and her daughter, her husband and son too.  Please pray for peace and healing.  God knows the rest.  Thanks.

Fact and Feeling.

Mum and Dad came yesterday.  It was better than I thought it would be.  We went to Attenborough Nature Reserve and did the shorter of the two walks.  The children got bored of walking but liked looking at the boats and feeding the ducks.  The downside of this nature reserve is that it has no play area or playground.  Mum was same old same old.  Doesn’t ask so how are you or so what have you been doing?  She comes across as uninterested in these things.  She was asking me about uni. 

I spent most of Friday cleaning the house.  I did the front room, bathroom and kitchen and got Paul to hoover upstairs.  Mother made no comment on the house and didn’t decide to clean anything so it must have been up to her standards!  When I was cleaning on Friday I was resentful that I had to clean extra thoroughly because they were coming.  Mum will come round and start cleaning things, even if I cleaned them the day before.  She didn’t do that today.  J

I was trying to work out on Friday with everything with my mum, what is actually true, what is what I think and feel and what is somewhere in between?! 

Fact

I didn’t do well enough in school for her liking

She thinks Paul should get a better education

She thinks I should have got a better / graduate job after uni

She is oblivious to how she treats and has treated me and my brothers differently and would / will be mortified when someone tells her

My thoughts an feelings

I should have tried harder in school, but was not interested in academics really.  I’m happy with Paul, yes his job won’t last forever but God has a plan and that’s ok.  I decided to put having a family before having a career and mother things I should have done it the other way round.  I feel like I’m not good enough / a failure because she had a career and a family, I just have a family.  Although I am only 30 this year and she didn’t have my older brother until she was 30. 

As usual I started writing this yesterday and I can’t remember what else I was going to write.  So I’ll post this as it is and edit it if I remember!  

Moaning.

I’m having a moan, sorry. I feel the positive me is fighting the negative me at the moment. I’m hoping I’m not being too specific.  I don’t think I’ve written anything that will offend any of my friends that read this.  I can’t actually remember these day who knows about my blog and who doesn’t.  And of those that know I don’t know if they actually read it.  


The negative me… A church worker is bugging me.  She’ll moan that she did all of Sunday school herself. Yet surely she should delegate and give us parts of the programme and jobs to do, not just do it all herself. Surely we shouldn’t have to ask for parts of the Sunday school programme to do?! And I think I annoyed her last Tuesday, I didn’t mean to. I went to pick Nic up, then she’d forgotten her purse and hadn’t had any breakfast. So I popped back in for my purse and went to buy her a sandwich. She didn’t know where the sandwich shop was so I had to go with her. From her perspective I should have been helping with toddler group, it was busy and I disappeared. From my perspective, I’ve been trying to get Nic to go to Talk it over (Crisis Pregnancy Support) for weeks, so if that meant missing toddler group and buying her a sandwich, that’s fine by me! I didn’t plan it that way, it just kind of happened! 


Then on Tuesday, 2 ladies were talking and I was sat with them. One told the other about a surprise leaving do for someone and invited her. But never said anything to me about being invited, am I not friends with this person too? Then one asked other if she would consider running the parenting course with her at some point next year. Yet again I am not included in this conversation at all or asked if I want to help, or do the course or run crèche again. Sorry, just bugs me. 


Then today at church I had no one to talk to. There were people around but no one I felt I could just go and join in their conversation or sit with them without them looking at me as if to say what do you want etc. I’m not mentioning any names, but the usual people. I hate feeling like this at church. I know it’s partly me being paranoid and over sensitive, but it’s also other people’s attitudes as well. Sorry I know I am stuck record on certain subjects, but I need to vent! 


I’ve been going to First Steps Derbyshire (FSD, eating disorders (ED) charity) for 2 months now. Some things have been a real eye opener. I have a whole new vocabulary with which to talk about eating disorders! I realise that when I was at my most ill with my ED, I wasn’t half as ill as a lot of people who access the support of the charity. Even the thought of being an in-patient on an eating disorders unit in hospital scares me even now! 


Everyone is so lovely, none judgemental and friendly at FSD. I’ve met loads of lovely people, made some friends, heard some amazing stories of recovery and scary stories of people being ill. When I first went people were friendly, I didn’t feel judged on my appearance, and I was welcomed. I can’t help but think and wish that church should be like that. I FEEL judged on my appearance at church but I KNOW this is mostly me being oversensitive and paranoid, but I also know there’s a little bit of truth in it even though I exaggerate things in my head. 


I don’t want to paint church in a negative light, especially to a new friend who thinking of coming to check it out.  There are things I love about church and things that bug me.  The things that bug me are above and the main thing is the general clickiness of the 18 – 30’s.  The things I love about church are meeting with God, the great worship, the band, the pastors, the teaching, the friendship and the support.  


For example I went to one of the smaller churches last month and we were praying at the end.  I was in a group praying with some ladies from my house group and felt really blessed to be friends and have the support of these women of God.  Yet most of these women are old enough to be my mum.  I do kind of wish I had this support and level of friendship from people my own age in church as well.  Well I do but just from a smaller number of closer friends.  My age group in church are generally not so open or approachable.