Teenage blog!

So, as a teenager I wrote a diary for 8 years regularly and odd bits thereafter.  From 1996 (age 14) to 2004 (age 22) I’ve thought about writing a book, but wondered if it would be worth reading!  I’ve also been thinking about writing a blog of my teenage years and bits of my diary.  Might get round to starting it this evening, lol.  Only been thinking about it for months / years!!  So here’s the link anyway… 

http://diaryofadisorderedeatingteenager.blogspot.co.uk/

Who's looking after me?

I feel lonely at the moment, which is silly when I have lots of family and friends.  Paul spends too much time on his computer as usual and not enough time with me.  I feel I have been supporting some of my friends a lot lately but feel a bit like, who’s supporting me?! 

At some times in my life I’ve had really close girl friends and loved it.  Sadly one of these lives nearly 200 miles away.  And we don’t talk as much as we should.  Another of these lives just over 100 miles away.  Another of these I fell out with just over 5 years ago, a long story and it was mostly not my fault. 

I’ve have good friends in Derby.  But we have busy lives and don’t spend as much time together as we would like to and also one or two have their own stresses and problems at the moment. 

I’m torn between I’m better and stronger than I think I am (prayed and prophesied over me a few months ago) and I’m ill and more ill than I think I am.  The question is, if I consider myself as “ill” am I going to or am I prepared to do anything about it, and the answer is no.  So I may as well focus on the positives not the negatives. 

There are certain traits of ED behaviours, thoughts and mind sets that I have never been able to get rid of or leave behind.  Since the big argument with Mother, maybe 3 months ago these thoughts have been surfacing again.  However you have to believe me when I say this has nothing to do with working (voluntarily) for Fsd.  My involvement has given me a greater vocabulary to describe the things I do and a greater understanding of why I think certain things but I think it is no way triggering. 

The behaviours and thoughts I never got rid of… Feeling self-conscious, having low-self-esteem (despite outwardly being a confident person).  Feeling like I never fit in, I’m not “cool” enough, I don’t wear the right / fashionable clothes, I’ll never be good enough or fit in with the “in” crowd whatever setting that may be in. 

From being about 19 to 24 or 25 I would say I ate normally and had no issues with food.  When Joel was a few months old I did weight watchers by myself (I bought the books on ebay) and los a stone of the stone and a half I put on while I was pregnant.  After I’d had Esther I’d put a stone on again.  When Esther was about 3 months old to about 15 / 16 months old I had PND.  During which time the thoughts in the above paragraph were strong and looking back I think I over ate / binged / comfort ate. 

When Esther had just turned 2 I finally found some motivation and energy to diet sensibly.  I did Weight Watchers online this time.  I’ve never been to a Weight Watchers meeting and I won’t go.  The whole idea of getting weighed in front of people and going to a meeting to talk about diet and food is just a big NO, I won’t do it!  So over about 6 months I lost just over a stone and went down to about 10st 4lb from about 11st 6lbs.  I did this sensibly through a healthy diet and exercise. 

I was unhappy about the amount of rubbish and food I ate over Christmas but I didn’t have the energy or motivation to do anything about it.  It wasn’t until this big argument with mother that I lost any more weight, that was the beginning of March.  Mum inadvertently brought up the past and lots of thoughts, feeling and situations from when I had an ED.  I was feeling down and lazy.  So accidentally or through laziness did that Kellogg’s diet for a week or so.  That’s where you  have cereal for 2 meals and a normal meal for one meal.  I lost 3lbs in a week just because I was being lazy and eating cereal for 2 meals.  In the last 3 months or so I’ve only lost about 3lbs.  But I’m happily back into a size 12.  I’m being quite lazy with lunch over the last month or two though.  Having low fat / low calorie snacks instead of lunch because I’ve gone off bread and I can’t be bothered to make anything.  I often still tend to go for low fat / low calorie options when buying food.  Apart from nice / naughty foods like cake or ice cream.   Occasionally I will binge on these then feel bad for it and maybe compensate by missing a meal. 

However, this is just me, where I’m at right now.  I eat what I like, when I like.  This is pretty much always 2 meals a day.  My third meal will often be snacks and not really a meal but this is ok.  I don’t consider my eating to be disordered, I think I’m just being lazy about making meals. 

Then I can’t decide if my general lack of enthusiasm for most things is due to lack of sleep or due to perhaps mild lingering / returning depression.  If I do label it that, I think am I going to do anything about it?  No I’m not going to the doctors, I don’t want medication and I might consider counselling, but it would have to be with a Christian counsellor. 

The children have been sleeping badly and rarely sleeping through the night for about / at least 6 months.  I mostly think this is the reason for my general flatness / lack of enthusiasm for things.  Then sometimes I think maybe there’s more to it than that.  But that goes back to going between thinking I’m better and stronger than I think I am and maybe I’m more ill than I think I am. 

I don’t know what I’m saying really, I’m just rambling, writing my thoughts down.  I need to make a conscious effort to pick myself up and take myself out of this rut, but I need some energy and motivation do that, which I currently don’t have.  To pick myself up, I need to do things for me.  Go to bed earlier, wash my hair more often, read more / at least 20 minutes a day.  I need to make more time for me, instead of sitting on the laptop all evening most evenings as it doesn’t require effort and doing things to take care of me do require effort! 

I know all the theory.  Eat 3 (healthy) meals and have more energy etc.  But healthy meals require effort to prepare and cook.  And snacks you can just pick up and eat.  Anyway I should either sort the washing out or go to bed.  So I’ll stop posting my random writings. 

Do leave a comment or a hello or send me a facebook message if you read this as I do wonder who actually reads this.  Thanks.  

:-(

Just heard that a friend, her daughter and the family are going through a terrible time right now.  I can't explain.  But anyone who reads this pleas pray for my friend and her daughter, her husband and son too.  Please pray for peace and healing.  God knows the rest.  Thanks.

Fact and Feeling.

Mum and Dad came yesterday.  It was better than I thought it would be.  We went to Attenborough Nature Reserve and did the shorter of the two walks.  The children got bored of walking but liked looking at the boats and feeding the ducks.  The downside of this nature reserve is that it has no play area or playground.  Mum was same old same old.  Doesn’t ask so how are you or so what have you been doing?  She comes across as uninterested in these things.  She was asking me about uni. 

I spent most of Friday cleaning the house.  I did the front room, bathroom and kitchen and got Paul to hoover upstairs.  Mother made no comment on the house and didn’t decide to clean anything so it must have been up to her standards!  When I was cleaning on Friday I was resentful that I had to clean extra thoroughly because they were coming.  Mum will come round and start cleaning things, even if I cleaned them the day before.  She didn’t do that today.  J

I was trying to work out on Friday with everything with my mum, what is actually true, what is what I think and feel and what is somewhere in between?! 

Fact

I didn’t do well enough in school for her liking

She thinks Paul should get a better education

She thinks I should have got a better / graduate job after uni

She is oblivious to how she treats and has treated me and my brothers differently and would / will be mortified when someone tells her

My thoughts an feelings

I should have tried harder in school, but was not interested in academics really.  I’m happy with Paul, yes his job won’t last forever but God has a plan and that’s ok.  I decided to put having a family before having a career and mother things I should have done it the other way round.  I feel like I’m not good enough / a failure because she had a career and a family, I just have a family.  Although I am only 30 this year and she didn’t have my older brother until she was 30. 

As usual I started writing this yesterday and I can’t remember what else I was going to write.  So I’ll post this as it is and edit it if I remember!  

Moaning.

I’m having a moan, sorry. I feel the positive me is fighting the negative me at the moment. I’m hoping I’m not being too specific.  I don’t think I’ve written anything that will offend any of my friends that read this.  I can’t actually remember these day who knows about my blog and who doesn’t.  And of those that know I don’t know if they actually read it.  


The negative me… A church worker is bugging me.  She’ll moan that she did all of Sunday school herself. Yet surely she should delegate and give us parts of the programme and jobs to do, not just do it all herself. Surely we shouldn’t have to ask for parts of the Sunday school programme to do?! And I think I annoyed her last Tuesday, I didn’t mean to. I went to pick Nic up, then she’d forgotten her purse and hadn’t had any breakfast. So I popped back in for my purse and went to buy her a sandwich. She didn’t know where the sandwich shop was so I had to go with her. From her perspective I should have been helping with toddler group, it was busy and I disappeared. From my perspective, I’ve been trying to get Nic to go to Talk it over (Crisis Pregnancy Support) for weeks, so if that meant missing toddler group and buying her a sandwich, that’s fine by me! I didn’t plan it that way, it just kind of happened! 


Then on Tuesday, 2 ladies were talking and I was sat with them. One told the other about a surprise leaving do for someone and invited her. But never said anything to me about being invited, am I not friends with this person too? Then one asked other if she would consider running the parenting course with her at some point next year. Yet again I am not included in this conversation at all or asked if I want to help, or do the course or run crèche again. Sorry, just bugs me. 


Then today at church I had no one to talk to. There were people around but no one I felt I could just go and join in their conversation or sit with them without them looking at me as if to say what do you want etc. I’m not mentioning any names, but the usual people. I hate feeling like this at church. I know it’s partly me being paranoid and over sensitive, but it’s also other people’s attitudes as well. Sorry I know I am stuck record on certain subjects, but I need to vent! 


I’ve been going to First Steps Derbyshire (FSD, eating disorders (ED) charity) for 2 months now. Some things have been a real eye opener. I have a whole new vocabulary with which to talk about eating disorders! I realise that when I was at my most ill with my ED, I wasn’t half as ill as a lot of people who access the support of the charity. Even the thought of being an in-patient on an eating disorders unit in hospital scares me even now! 


Everyone is so lovely, none judgemental and friendly at FSD. I’ve met loads of lovely people, made some friends, heard some amazing stories of recovery and scary stories of people being ill. When I first went people were friendly, I didn’t feel judged on my appearance, and I was welcomed. I can’t help but think and wish that church should be like that. I FEEL judged on my appearance at church but I KNOW this is mostly me being oversensitive and paranoid, but I also know there’s a little bit of truth in it even though I exaggerate things in my head. 


I don’t want to paint church in a negative light, especially to a new friend who thinking of coming to check it out.  There are things I love about church and things that bug me.  The things that bug me are above and the main thing is the general clickiness of the 18 – 30’s.  The things I love about church are meeting with God, the great worship, the band, the pastors, the teaching, the friendship and the support.  


For example I went to one of the smaller churches last month and we were praying at the end.  I was in a group praying with some ladies from my house group and felt really blessed to be friends and have the support of these women of God.  Yet most of these women are old enough to be my mum.  I do kind of wish I had this support and level of friendship from people my own age in church as well.  Well I do but just from a smaller number of closer friends.  My age group in church are generally not so open or approachable.  

FSD

So FSD – Firsts Steps Derbyshire.  I’ve been going for about 2 months now.  Firsts Steps Derbyshire is Derbyshire’s only charity which helps and supports people with eating problems and eating disorders (EDs).  (Don’t worry, I’m ok / doing fine I think!)  I can’t remember if I’ve written about this before or not.  Over Christmas I saw an article in the Derbyshire Evening Telegraph about a lady’s story of having Anorexia, her recovery and now her pregnancy.  The article talked about how FSD has supported her through it all.  

I was looking for things to do during my 6 months off uni.  I’ve started helping out at “The Base” youth club run in Chaddesden by my church.  And I thought volunteering at FSD would be a good, different and interesting thing to do.  They run various things including a monthly coffee morning, and 2 weekly support groups one for 11 - 25’s and one for anyone (sufferers, parents, carers, friends etc).  I went to a coffee morning and met people and said who I was, my experience of having an eating disorder and that I was interested in volunteering.  I’ve been going to the anyone support group for nearly 2 months and I’ve been to 2 coffee mornings.  The staff and volunteers know I’m not a sufferer / service user and that I’m interested in volunteering.  I’ve filled in the volunteer application form and I’m waiting for an interview / chat with the volunteer coordinator.

I’m enjoying supporting this charity and attending the groups and hope to be an official volunteer soon.  It’s a very safe and friendly environment.  It’s so non-judgmental and everyone is made to feel welcome.  I love the secret Facebook group, lol.  People are so supportive of each other on it and people make new friends on the group, then meet in real life!  I’ve done this twice.  One girl I saw on the group then realised she goes to my church.  So I met her at church and we’ve been out for a drink.  And another friend I met on the group, realised she was a Christian from what she was writing, we talked on Facebook a bit then I met her before the support group one evening as she was too nervous to go to the group on her own.  So I met her for a drink then we went to the group together.

However having said all this being around people with EDs it does kind of drag up the past and there’s still part of me thinks they have an ED and they’re doing ok so why can’t I do it.  But a lady at church gave me a word / prophesied over me a couple of months ago that I am stringer than I think I am and God will protect me.  I can’t remember what else or the exact word without going to find my note book. 

And there are names and terms for things that I did and do and didn’t know what they were called.  Things like restricting, triggering, ED behaviours, bingeing, purging etc.  It has also greatly increased my understanding of ED’s and other mental health issues / problems. 

Maybe I should explain.  If you don’t already know I had an eating disorder from being about 14 – 20.  (I’m 30 this year).  I had anorexia / the mentality of a person with anorexia but because I wasn’t dangerously thin / dangerously low weight there was no help or support.  I went to the doctor’s a couple of times and just got brushed off and told to eat more healthily and was given advice on healthy eating.  I went twice to youth counselling / advice typed places.  Once to one in York, I can’t really remember what it was called or what happened, I remember them giving me a book to read but don’t remember anything else.  I remember a friend, a lad from school taking me.  I also went once to a similar place in Derby, and again I can’t actually remember what happened.  But I only went once so they can’t have been that helpful! 

My help and support came from my church friends in York and then Paul once I moved to Derby and we became friends.  My parents either didn’t know about or ignored my eating problems.  Even now I think they’re oblivious to the eating problems I had and how they partly caused them and the effect they had on me.  I’ve been well for pretty much 10 years, which is great.  Again you may know you may not, I had post natal depression after having Esther for about 15 months.  I didn’t want medication or secular counselling so I never went to the doctor’s about it.  But I ate through having PND.  I think if I was going to relapse / return to my ED I think it would have happened when I had PND. 

I also lost my baby weight sensibly and successfully after having both children.  I think I lost a stone after I had Joel and a stone and a half after I had Esther.  I know weight what I did before I was pregnant with Joel so I was happy with that until recently. 

I have written a lot about the big fall out I had with mother over Joel and his speech therapy.  Well when that happened it really dragged up the past for me.  It would have been the beginning of March, I think it coincided with when I started going to FSD.  It was really triggering for me and really tempted me to return to my ED and ED behaviours.  Mother really upset me and for me it dragged up the past of having an ED.  The ED that she totally oblivious or in denial that I ever had. 

She made me feel like crap and really down for about a month.  I was hurt, upset and unhappy.  I couldn’t control the situation, I couldn’t control my mother, so what do I do / think about doing?  Turning to the thing I control, what I eat or don’t eat.  I didn’t eat properly for a few weeks maybe, but I still had 2 meals, just skipped lunch mainly.  But it was a classic return to ED behaviours and being triggered by things, almost a textbook example. 

Anyway I was kind off brought out of that by going on my friend’s church’s youth weekend.  3 big meals prepared for me for 2 ½ days, I had to be fine with that and to set an example for the girls I knew were struggling.  Then I went straight into working at YPlay, a weekend at my parents, work again and Esther’s birthday and a weekend at Paul’s dad’s.  So not eating or skipping meals was just not an option, so I was snapped out of it by necessity.  In the last week I not skipped meals, I’m dieting sensibly trying to cut out the rubbish (cake, crisps, chocolate, sweets, chips, coke, ice cream and lucozade) and eat more fruit and veg etc.  Tried being the operative word, I’ve failed miserably and then feel rubbish ‘cause I think I’ve failed. 

Although I’ve been pretty much free of and ED for 10 years I’ve never quite got over the low self-esteem, low self-worth, lack of self-confidence, feeling not liked and unpopular etc.  I pretty much got over the feeling and thinking I look fat thing, I know I’m not fat and have been pretty good about this.  However I’ve not got over feeling / thinking that I’m ugly, not good enough, don’t wear the right clothes / nice clothes, don’t have the right friends / do not feel in the in crowd. 

My current problem is I’m bored!  I have too much time on my hands and not enough to do.  I have the argument with mother hanging over me and not really resolved.  And Joel’s development, speech therapy and education to do my best to help and support him and get him the best services and most appropriate help and support. 

When this thing with mother blew up I lost about 3 or 4lbs through either eating three healthy meals with no rubbish / junk or from eating 2 meals.  I was pleased with this.  But the last 3 weeks I’ve just eaten too much and too much rubbish / crap.  The problem is I have no will power / self-restraint.  If there’s chocolate / cake / sweets in the house I eat too much of them.  I can’t just have a bit each day.  Unless it’s cake that I’ve made then I will have a piece or two a day.  I hate to call it bingeing but it probably is. 

I have a (very) sweet tooth and crave sugar when I’ve not had much.  On a good day I’ll have coke zero / diet coke instead.  And partly I shop and eat ‘cause I have nothing better to do.  The best option is just not to have sweets / chocolate / cake in the house.  Which some of the time I’m good at, but the last 3 weeks I’ve been bad at!  So I eat too much rubbish, then feel fat and crap.  See I need better things to fill my days with uni / work etc. 

Anyway I started writing this last night and now I can’t remember what else I wanted to write and I need to go and make the children’s packed lunches.  

Essay catch up...

The last 2 weeks (3 weekends) have been a bit mad and busy.  Definitely not sustainable for any length of time! 

Youth weekend was really good.  Made me feel about 10 years younger than I am, lol!  Went climbing and loved it.  Got to the top of the easy wall and half way up the harder one, then gave up due to damage control.  I could have done the high ropes but didn’t again due to damage control.  Climbing didn’t do my trashed knee any good and much as I wanted to do the high ropes I knew it wouldn’t do my knee any good.  The 3 meetings were good.  Phil asked me to pray for girls who responded to the appeal for prayer after one of them, which was scary and totally out of my comfort zone.  3 teenage girls were struggling with eating related issues and just wanted to give them a hug and tell them I know how they’re struggling but recovery is possible.  But it’s not that easy in 2 days!  I chatted to them a bit and hopefully gave them some positive input. 

Work was the same old same old.  It was fine and fun when we were busy but boring when we were not so busy.  Car MOT cost £200 more than planned, so I won’t see any of my pay when I get it.  Holiday club at church was good.  Although it was the usual case of doing half a job at helping and half a job of parenting.  And YPlay came as well, so I was more or less working and not getting paid for it!  I got brownie points for making a tray of tea for the YPlay staff though, lol. 

York was alright.  Mother was a bit off with me not as chatty as normal.  My friend’s wedding was a good day.  Although it was one expensive wedding!  They had the reception at Castle Howard which is like having your wedding reception at Chatsworth! 

Dave and Cat Paul’s (brother and sister in law) came on the bank holiday Monday.  We went to Sawley Marina for lunch.  We ended up at Freddy’s instead of going for a walk though as it was so wet.  And we went to Liz and Baz’s (Our old Pastor’s) for tea, which was good to see them and catch up.  Tuesday was house group at Milly’s and she made curry which is always very nice! 

We ended up going to Thomas Land for Esther’s birthday despite it costing £88 for 4 of us!!  We decided to ask for money from the Uncles (John, Mark and Dave) and some from my parents which covered out trip.  The Uncles never buy sensible presents anyway so we told them what we wanted!  We had a good day though.  Apart from Esther got scared on one ride and refused to go on 2 others after that, woops! 

Bournemouth was alright / good.  Paul’s dad appreciated the effort we’d gone to, to go down. We didn’t do much, hung out with Paul’s Dad, Step Mum, half-brother and two half-sisters.   Paul did a bit of running people around and making himself useful!! He took his sister to a volley ball match, his step granddad home and helped his dad set up for the exhibition.  And also going in errands with his dad just to keep him company.  We saw his Gran, aunt and uncle (who live together).  But we didn’t see the rest of the family.  Paul’s mum had told us not to go to his Nanny and Granddad’s cos his Nanny is ill.  And there’s another Aunty and cousins but we couldn’t get round everyone in 2 ½ days.  We went to the model railway exhibition that his dad was involved in on Saturday afternoon and Sunday morning.  We also looked after Karenza (half-sister, same age as Esther) for most of Sunday.  We had a text from Paul’s dad when we got home saying he really appreciated us making the effort to go down. 

Paul got a ticket for speeding on Sunday morning which really annoyed me.  I’m not annoyed that he got caught, he was speeding he deserved to get caught.  I’m annoyed that he speeds in the first place and doesn’t respect the law and that it’s effectively £200 that we haven’t got down the drain.  It’s 3 points on his licence and a £60 fine or do a £105 speed awareness safety course plus transport ‘cos it’ll be in Dorset. 

Anyway, craziness is over, back to boring normality.  I would prefer a balance of the two as I’ll be bored again soon.  When life is toddler groups, coffee / lunch with friends, washing and cleaning it gets boring very quickly.  I’m not saying my friends are boring.  I appreciate the love support and friendship from my friends, I just like to have something else besides it like work or uni.