Stuff!!

So my mum has a go at me on the phone on Christmas Day.  She then writes me a letter about 2 weeks ago.  I send her two emails in return.  she phones last Friday (a week ago) and how dare I send her nasty emails (they weren't nasty) and my brothers would never do that.  And they're just concerned grandparents and she's only ever tried to be a good parents.  So it's obviously my fault and I'm obviously not good enough.  The letters and the emails will follow when I get round to it.  So all will make sense.

But the result is I've had a crappy week worrying and thinking about what to do about Mother.  I refuse to apologise when I'm not sorry and I've done nothing wrong.  I was also not willing to explain all on the phone last week as she appears to be totally oblivious to the last 16 years.  I hinted at things not being good enough for her and she wanted examples.  The examples I was not prepared to give as she is oblivious to them and will be horrified and mortified.  Then she'll twist things so it's all my fault and I've hurt and upset her.

So the past has been dragged up (well in my head anyway) and in conversation with friends.  As mother seems to be so oblivious I'm doubting that things happened, I'm wondering if I misinterpreted / misread things she said.  I wondering if I was bad as I though I was.  According to friends that new me at the time it did happen, I didn't misinterpret things and I was worse than I remember myself to be.  So trying to hang on to that.

Ok so I'm rambling and not making sense.  The current argument is the latest in a long line of things that isn't good enough for my mother.  I didn't to well enough in school for her liking, I wanted to go to the local tech college and do nursery nursing not a levels, but I wasn't allowed 'cos that wasn't the done thing.  I did A levels, failed miserably (well I got a C and 2 Es, hated it and felt under pressure to do well.  I thought I was fat (I wasn't).  I had an eating disorder from being 14 - 19 (this is what she's totally oblivious to).

I didn't get into a good enough uni, In a Pride and Prejudice, Jane Austen kind of a way I married beneath me, she thinks Paul's not good enough for me, he doesn't have a good enough education, job or career.  They didn't want me to get married until the end of uni, I got married at the end of my first year.  Being more or less a full time mum currently not having a career isn't good enough for her.  I should be a working career mum.

Yet if I told her all this she would deny the whole lot.  She would say she was just trying to be a good parent and do what's best for me.  Little does she know what is actually best for me isn't what she thinks is best for me.  I would have been better doing nursery nursing than a levels.  I still could have got into uni with the nursery nursing qualification.  Getting married at the end of my first year was right for us.  It did not effect my studying.  I just decided I would rather live with Paul than live with girl friends and have him coming round all the time.

My mother will totally deny having a treating me and my brothers differently although she has.  I'm the girl and the Christian so she has a totally different set of standards for me as for the boys.  Yet my mother would say she has three Christian children when she so doesn't.

So I've had a crappy week thinking about all this.  I've eaten far too much cake, chocolate and sweets this week (comfort food) and feel more fat and crappy about myself. So it actually has comfort food has a more negative than positive effect.    The eating disorder (ED) and the ED tendencies I recovered from and gave up on 10 years ago are so tempting right now.  Yet last year I lost a stone and a half (my baby weight) by sensibly dieting and exercising.  I've put 4lb of that back on since Christmas and feel crappy and fat for it.  I know by eating, dieting and exercising sensibly I could lose this in a couple of weeks.  But the ED way seems so much more appealing right now.  Grrrr on the one hand I think I'm fine and I'm making a fuss about nothing.  On the other hand I've had a feeling down and fat week and think maybe I'm struggling.

Also found a job to keep me occupied while I'm off uni.  But after tax, childcare and losing my child tax credit I'll be worse off than I am now on child benefit and child tax credit.  So what's the point?! The system doesn't encourage people to work.  It's nearly 2 weeks since I finished uni for 6 months and I'm bored already.  And having a crappy week doesn't help.

OK. ranting moan over.

If anyone actually reads this.  I know some friends know about this but don't know if anyone actually looks.

I really should write more.  So much going on in my head at the moment.  Writing would help.

Uni is finished til September.  The second half of first year is placement.  I'm doing my placement next year.  I've got good grades though.  A, B, B-, C+ and one essay I'm waiting to get back.

My mother's not talking to me 'cos I've apparently hurt her and upset her and sent her nasty emails.  Not that having a got at me on the phone on Christmas Day is nasty or sending me a letter saying the same things is nasty. (To be explained at a later date.  

As usual I'm going to bed.  Really need to make more time for writing.

As usual I would love to have more time to write than I do!

This evening I have had a good chat with my mentor typed person, our 3rd meeting.  3 or 4 months ago I could not explain why God had put this particular person's name in my head to ask to be my mentor and a support to me.  Now, all is clear, we are similar in so many respects in areas of our pasts, our characters and our husbands characters!  I can really see why God put us together now.  :-)

Then fish and chip with the hubby, so a lovely evening.  Even if he didn't pause the Grand Prix while we were eating!  There are more pressing things to do than to blog more.  :-( Hopefully I'll have time to write properly soon.

Reflections

So this week was uni induction and enrolment.  My reflections - I thrive on being busy and juggling different things.  I still had the children ready and sorted and the cooking and washing done.  When I'm not busy I get bored and unmotivated and can't be bothered to do anything.  This week I've had 3 days in uni and still have got everything done and have been out 3 nights this week.  Looking forwards to starting properly in a week.  Will see how it goes...

Weight

So 3 months of weight watchers online.  This week I've eaten loads of cake, biscuits, flapjack, chocolate and sweets.  Feel rubbish, eat rubbish.  So I'll have put a couple of pounds on this week.  Pigging out on all I've missed this week.  Will hopefully find the balance between dieting and pigging out!!

So...

5th Feb 2011 - 11st 6lb
20th Aug 2011 - 10st 3lb.

Pretty good.  Now I just need to keep it off!!

In July 2008 just before I was pregnant with Esther I weighed 10st 8lbs.  So I've got down to that again.  In December 2005 just before I was pregnant with Joel I weighed 10stone.  So if I lose another 3 or 4 lbs I'll weight what I did before I had children.  I'll be happy with that.  I would then want to do enought exercise to maintain weighing 10st and eat normally, not diet.  So I'll have to work out how much exercise I need to do to maintain it!!

Stuff!

Life is busy, Church is good, God is great.  Lots going on at the moment.  Need to make time to blog!  Lots to say, God is busy at work in me.  More to come...

Uni.

Just realised I never posted about uni.  I got in, I got an unconditional offer.  I start in September.  :-)  My expected end date is 2011 but I don't think so!  I don't intend on doing it all part time.  I want to do first year part time over two years then 2nd and 3rd year full time when Esther Starts school.

I have a pre induction information day on Wednesday, so I'll find out more about the course and the time table etc.